Monday, June 20, 2011


I was at Barnes and Noble last week for a browse (can't buy anything there when there is a half-price book store down the street) and flipped through "Throw Out Fifty Things: Clear the Clutter, Find Your Life" by Gail Blanke. There was a chapter that caught my attention titled "Letting Go of Needing to Feel Secure." Really, I mused. What's so wrong with wanting to feel secure? Isn't it an almost instinctive quality within us?

Think about how some have been told to marry for security over love. Or even my parents urging me to change my college major from Music Therapy to basically anything else because they didn't think I'd find a job. Or if I did, it wouldn't pay the rent.

After losing my home, which provied me a tremenous amount of security and a sense of identity along with two husbands (ditto the security and identity) I think it would be questionable if I just threw up my hands and said, "Let life take me where it will. I'm ready for the ride!"

Somehow these losses have made me less open to the randomness of the future. I want to feel some level of security within my life be it a strong, loving relationship. solid home around me or decent job in which I feel valued and productive. I think when these things are lacking it is very difficult to feel content and "happy" in one's life. I guess I believe that there has to be a certain level of stability surrounding someone or all bets are off for personal happiness.

Maybe it is easier for people who have a decent level of structure and security already existing as a foundation to throw more caution to the wind. But I believe when your foundation has been shaken and you have lost what has been of value to you, that there is no harm in seeking what makes you feel secure. I am finding that as I continue this widowhood path, the more I seem to disagree with all the advice, like this, out there. I'm finding it all doesn't pass muster with what I have felt and experienced. As for this advice, no way am I going to give up on my search for attaining more security in my life.


  1. I agree. Experiencing the earth disappearing from under our feet, to find ourselves walking on air, leaves us feeling so insecure. We found out that nothing in this world is certain. To cope, we have to have stability, whether it be in routine, work, or however we find it xs

  2. Exactly - Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs!!! Know about the criticisms, but still think this theory is the most valid in my life, & in the lives of many clients. Effectively buffer an individual against threats of insecurity (& other needs) & he/she will have a good chance of "making it" in the world.

  3. I agree with you. Security is always a goal for me. If I don't look out for myself, who will? And I believe that is true of all people - even those who haven't lost a spouse.

  4. TO Everyone from WITM - I am glad there is some agreement here. I have always liked the Hierarchy of Needs and have posted about it before. To me, with all the unknown we have to face every day, having some things we can count on counteracts that and provides us with a measure of peace so we can go on to live happily and productively.