Sunday, January 25, 2009

Death vs. Divorce - which is harder

I have been really struggling with the grief and loss I feel about the end of my marriage. For me, this process is far more painful than what I went through when I was widowed five years ago. I think it has to do with the fact that Husband #2 made a conscious decision to leave the marriage, whereas Husband #1 had no choice in dying. So much of the situation mirrors an actual death. Husband #2 has refused to speak with me about the divorce and I do not have a definitive explanation as to why he wants out. Even the fact that I think Husband #2 has intimacy problems (he had not been in a relationship the five years prior to meeting me which included not having sex for five years!) does not make it easier to comprehend and move on.

I feel that I need an opportunity to respond verbally to Husband #2's divorce action but he has cut me off from any opportunity to do so. I sent him several emails but am not sure he received or read them as he did not reply. This has just left everything hanging for me and although I can suspect why he filed, not knowing for certain causes doubt and confusion. I believe that Husband #2 is exerting such rigid control in an effort to avoid feeling intense hurt. He had little experience in relating to others having been in only a few very short term relationships throughout his life. For example, he did not date in college and only started dating at age 25. He also never was married and had no children and I think that he exhibits a preference for living on his own. In the end, he could not adjust to a life involving a wife and two teen boys. He is far more comfortable living in his own limited little world.

So far it has been much easier for me to write about Husband #1 and his death but I am ready to undertake more introspection about the end of my marriage.

Today I am thankful:

1. For friends who care about us and are kind enough to take us bowling and lunch out. What a treat!
2. For friends who ask how our day is and really want to hear the answer.
3. That the world and Universe are large enough to provide more than one partner for each of us.

1 comment:

  1. I too have dealt with divorce and death, only in a different order. 5 years ago I divorced my first husband - my choice (I felt I had no other) A year later I remarried a wonderful man and was blissfully happy for the first time in a long time. He died quite unexpectedly of a heart attack 14 months later. That was over 2 ½ years ago. Which was harder? Hard to say. They were both devastating even though I wanted the divorce. Divorce is devastating by definition particularly when there are children involved. I have four; they ranged in age from 14 – 22 at the time. But I elected to be alone that time. I did NOT elect to be alone this time! The pain and loneliness is far worse now. That being said, I believe widowhood is perceived to be an elevated status compared to that of divorcee. For the first year I enjoyed what I lovingly termed my “widow perks.” People came to shovel my driveway when it snowed; I had people helping to finish my basement – a project my husband was in the middle of when he died . . . cookies from the neighbors on Valentines, unsolicited kindnesses that I did not receive when I became divorced.
    Neither is easy, and it sounds like your divorce situation is much different from mine. I wish you the best and will keep an eye on your blog.