I have been really struggling with the grief and loss I feel about the end of my marriage. For me, this process is far more painful than what I went through when I was widowed five years ago. I think it has to do with the fact that Husband #2 made a conscious decision to leave the marriage, whereas Husband #1 had no choice in dying. So much of the situation mirrors an actual death. Husband #2 has refused to speak with me about the divorce and I do not have a definitive explanation as to why he wants out. Even the fact that I think Husband #2 has intimacy problems (he had not been in a relationship the five years prior to meeting me which included not having sex for five years!) does not make it easier to comprehend and move on.
I feel that I need an opportunity to respond verbally to Husband #2's divorce action but he has cut me off from any opportunity to do so. I sent him several emails but am not sure he received or read them as he did not reply. This has just left everything hanging for me and although I can suspect why he filed, not knowing for certain causes doubt and confusion. I believe that Husband #2 is exerting such rigid control in an effort to avoid feeling intense hurt. He had little experience in relating to others having been in only a few very short term relationships throughout his life. For example, he did not date in college and only started dating at age 25. He also never was married and had no children and I think that he exhibits a preference for living on his own. In the end, he could not adjust to a life involving a wife and two teen boys. He is far more comfortable living in his own limited little world.
So far it has been much easier for me to write about Husband #1 and his death but I am ready to undertake more introspection about the end of my marriage.
Today I am thankful:
1. For friends who care about us and are kind enough to take us bowling and lunch out. What a treat!
2. For friends who ask how our day is and really want to hear the answer.
3. That the world and Universe are large enough to provide more than one partner for each of us.