Today it feels like a heatwave at 2 degrees, a massive improvement over yesterday's 16 degrees below! However, my dark mood has not lifted with the rise in temperature. If anything, it is even darker because I am now more fully aware of how deeply in financial trouble we are. I have the hit the bottom. With two weeks in the month to go, we don't have the money for groceries. I went out today returning unused items that I still had receipts for and came up with $15.00 back at Walmart (returned 7 skeins or yarn); $20.00 at Michael's (yarn & Christmas craft kits); $6.00 at JoAnn Fabrics (craft supplies) and finally $35.00 at Carson's (suede top and black & white jacket). With the later, I figured since I hadn't worn the items in a year and they still had the price tags on, it was fair game. Although they were both such bargains it was not easy.
Ramen noodles for lunch for all of us. Tonight I can get a $6.00 pizza. Next week I will be forced to investigate a food pantry. I have never been in this spot before. It is heartbreaking to have endured so much pain and suffering already and to have it just continue! Our road to ruin only took about 2 months.
I have a job counseling appointment on Tuesday. I am begging the Universe for strength to get me through this holiday weekend (Martin Luther King Day on Monday). I am still trying to come up with some money by making more returns because I am afraid of over-drafting. My goal is $200.00 and so far I'm at $75.00. I think it is time to put the house on the market even as I try to renegotiate the mortgage. I am scared and feeling alone and more vulnerable than I ever have. This is absolutely the lowest point of my life - even lower than than the death of my husband! I feel that I am failing my boys and I have failed myself.
My youngest added some levity to all of this by telling me that on February 22nd, IHOP will be serving free pancakes and at least we'll be able to eat then. I admire his strength and humor. Hopefully, by then I will be less desperate.
Again, it is hard for me to be thankful today but I am thankful:
1. That the bitter cold is ending.
2. That there are still things to eat in the house - maybe not what everyone wants but something.
3. That once you have hit the bottom there is no way to go but up.