Sunday, May 2, 2010

Taking a Break from Grief, Growth & Healing

This Law of Attraction theory is freaking me out. Here is the text of an email I recently received from inspirational author Lissa Coffey's daily message on ""

"What you focus on, you will experience.

When you talk about "what is" or "what was," even if you're just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you'll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it's hard and that you're lonely, you'll find that it is, and you are.

Yet, ALWAYS, you can choose to focus on what's good."

So here I am complaining about my widowhood life and the crap going on at work. I seem surrounded by discontent and hardship. And I'm having so much difficulty trying to ignite some spark of hope. I'm just plain tired physically and mentally and I am convinced that that is playing a huge part. When you're fatigued, it is even harder to harness the energy needed to go forward more optimistically. I am noticing that it is easier to continue to complain than shore up my resources and take some action - in part because I am too drained on all cylinders.

I worry about The Law of Attraction and grief in general. Some of the material I have read promotes the bettering of our depressed/hopeless feelings asap. In other words, when we start feeling down and out, even if relates to the death of a loved one, we're supposed to try and convert that energy toward less negative feelings and continue doing so as though we're climbing up a ladder. There was an exercise on this involving a daughter whose father had died. And the entire process took place in a matter of moments!

I think about the grieving process for me which lasted a good year after the death of my husband and then for more than a year after my divorce. I couldn't just wipe my grief and depression away. And I needed the times that I spent in that horrible, dark, dank, smelly, wet cave when there was no possible way I'd even be able to see a lit match directly in front of my face!

All the acknowledgment about the need for having to walk through our grief into the pain. How can that occur if we're just bypassing our feelings in an effort to be less negative?

But the real question I have for the experts on this theory is this: what happens to all of us actively grieving on whatever level we're at? We're continuously thinking and acting on depressed and negative emotions. If the theory says that we get back what we're thinking of, what happens during the intense periods of grief? Does more come our way or are we given a pass because of our circumstances? Do we all prolong the time and intensity we are grieving because of this law?

I'm sick of grieving. I'm sick of my efforts to grow, heal and come to some answers about all the shit that has happened in my life. I need a break from reading books about The Law of Attraction. I continue to come back to the idea that concentrating on me for a few weeks or months would do me a great deal of good. Doing small and simple things for my benefit and pleasure and perhaps saying "no" more to my sons. Going to a movie or two. Drinking some more wine. Maybe reading nothing in the self-help section at all for a change! Being lazy, taking some nature walks. If I can find them in the storage shed, using the roller blades I bought myself after my husband died and then never used. You get the idea. Taking a break from not only grief but also healing.

I will not be able to take a break from the job search though. Today at work someone told me that over the summer there were nine CNAs working on the second floor and now there are only seven. I have come to the realization that there is no way I can get all the work done that needs to get done - it is unattainable. And for that reason I'll have to pack my bags and go elsewhere. I can't in good conscience work in such a poorly managed environment that ultimately ends up hurting those it is most supposed to help - the residents. I can quit tomorrow if I have to - the poor people at this facility are stuck there.

I'm praying that some "me time" will end up inspiring me and providing me with some energy so I can go out there and job hunt again. And that in the process some of my hope and optimism will also be restored.


  1. hello, widow in the middle...god, how i wish i could talk to you. sadly, i have no help, but looking for it, as i am now 44, just lost my WONDERFUL husband of 4 1/2 years to a heart attack in march. stuck in england (from colorado!), stuck w/a house i can't afford (in colorado), hung out to dry by the (US govt) company my hubby worked for, lost my job (lost my "dependent" visa in UK), etc., etc., etc....i DID get some "me" time in london w/my girlfriends, but feel guilty about it. hopefully i'll make it home (to US) by the end of this month....i REALLY get the lack of energy thing!! i say there's no other word for it but "SUCK."
    Best wishes,
    nancy martin

  2. Nancy - Mere words seem so insignificant and lame but from the bottom of my heart I send you my sympathy, understanding and compassion for what you are experiencing. Your situation sounds complicated because of being in another country and I hope you are back home as soon as possible.

    Don't feel guilty about any "me" time you've given yourself. I am realizing I should have done so long ago. Taking care of yourself and your own needs when times are the hardest makes sense to me.

    Know that there is a great network of good, caring people out there in the online grief community ready to provide support and a listening ear. Slow down and nurture yourself in whatever ways you can and don't expect too much of yourself too soon. Above all, be kind and gentle to yourself.