I have not posted in a while. The past two weeks of living on a wing and a prayer took a great deal out of me. We made it - but the toll on me worry wise was a big price to pay. I seem to have reached my limit of only parenting. I'm not sure I can go on like this much more. I asked my close girl friend if she would consider having my oldest stay with her next year so he can finish as a senior at his current school and I'll move out-of-state with my youngest back with Sam. Yes, it has gotten that bad and bleak for me to be ready to throw in the towel. There are a couple kids I know of whose families have moved but they've stayed on to finish with their class. I would pay room and board for my son.
Unfortunately, my friend told me "no" as she starts a new job teaching at the high school since she was transferred from the middle school due to budget cuts. She is worried about being able to handle her two high schoolers and the new job. Then, her ex-husband recently lost his job. If he doesn't find work by August, their oldest son, a junior in college, will be unable to room at his school in Chicago. She anticipates that he will have to live at home next year and commute into the city. The family lives in a small home and she feels it will be too tight if my oldest also stays with them.
I am disappointed. Because the prospect of continuing to struggle here on my own for another two years seems insurmountable to me right now. I am just too tired, too drained and too hopeless to keep on trudging on my own. Parenting solo has been tremendously hard for me at times. I almost feel as though I am a robot just going through the motions.
Tonight was a baseball game and it was difficult for me to get motivated to attend, then drive the 30-minutes to get my youngest there. At least some of the moms talked to me tonight and inquired as to how we are all doing. Here I live in such a lovely and quaint town. Driving through our downtown on the way home, we passed the band shell with the Thur. night summer concert going on. I miss attending such functions and events. What good is it living here if I can't afford to do anything and I am too self-conscious to attend a band concert on my own?
I am lonely, depleted and sad. I am so tired from having to handle day-to-day life on my own and be responsible for the boys 24-7. I haven't had a break or a vacation in years.
I met a lovely older woman at the game - she was the paternal grandmother of one of the players. She and I spoke about widowhood as she lost her husband 9 years ago. She is still grieving and greatly misses her spouse. At one point, her daughter, one of the nicer baseball moms interrupted us and pointed out, "She has been raising her boys on her own the past seven years!" It was nice to have someone recocnize and acknowledge this. Because at this point this only parent is just about tapped out.