Thursday, July 1, 2010

Baseball Summer Blues

I have not posted in a while. The past two weeks of living on a wing and a prayer took a great deal out of me. We made it - but the toll on me worry wise was a big price to pay. I seem to have reached my limit of only parenting. I'm not sure I can go on like this much more. I asked my close girl friend if she would consider having my oldest stay with her next year so he can finish as a senior at his current school and I'll move out-of-state with my youngest back with Sam. Yes, it has gotten that bad and bleak for me to be ready to throw in the towel. There are a couple kids I know of whose families have moved but they've stayed on to finish with their class. I would pay room and board for my son.

Unfortunately, my friend told me "no" as she starts a new job teaching at the high school since she was transferred from the middle school due to budget cuts. She is worried about being able to handle her two high schoolers and the new job. Then, her ex-husband recently lost his job. If he doesn't find work by August, their oldest son, a junior in college, will be unable to room at his school in Chicago. She anticipates that he will have to live at home next year and commute into the city. The family lives in a small home and she feels it will be too tight if my oldest also stays with them.

I am disappointed. Because the prospect of continuing to struggle here on my own for another two years seems insurmountable to me right now. I am just too tired, too drained and too hopeless to keep on trudging on my own. Parenting solo has been tremendously hard for me at times. I almost feel as though I am a robot just going through the motions.

Tonight was a baseball game and it was difficult for me to get motivated to attend, then drive the 30-minutes to get my youngest there. At least some of the moms talked to me tonight and inquired as to how we are all doing. Here I live in such a lovely and quaint town. Driving through our downtown on the way home, we passed the band shell with the Thur. night summer concert going on. I miss attending such functions and events. What good is it living here if I can't afford to do anything and I am too self-conscious to attend a band concert on my own?

I am lonely, depleted and sad. I am so tired from having to handle day-to-day life on my own and be responsible for the boys 24-7. I haven't had a break or a vacation in years.

I met a lovely older woman at the game - she was the paternal grandmother of one of the players. She and I spoke about widowhood as she lost her husband 9 years ago. She is still grieving and greatly misses her spouse. At one point, her daughter, one of the nicer baseball moms interrupted us and pointed out, "She has been raising her boys on her own the past seven years!" It was nice to have someone recocnize and acknowledge this. Because at this point this only parent is just about tapped out.


  1. Sounds like you're hanging on by a thread. Keep hanging on.

    I hope you work out an arrangement for your son. I didn't know Sam was still in the picture.

    Please don't be uncomfortable about going by yourself to events. I have learned to do it, though of course it's more fun to go with somebody. I find no one notices or caress who you're with so you might as well get it.

    Thinking of you, Thelma

  2. I meant get out, not get it. Sorry TZ

  3. Perhaps getting out more would help--I don't know--I hated going to things alone, but a nice band concert in the park might be a good thing. I didn't know Sam still in the picture either. Steady On, Friend.

  4. Thank you Thelma and Judy for your suggestion to just get out. I know I should, but I find that being out and about and being surrounded by intact families is very painful to me. Sam and I have managed to maintain our relationship despite everything - I've refrained from talking much about him because of a couple of reasons. At one point I was very close to ending things because of the distance between us but he has always felt our relationship was worth hanging on to. Anyway, I wish both of you a happy 4th and that you will be able to enjoy getting out in some way.

  5. I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I have read your blog for quite some time now and I can relate on many levels except that of a widow; divorce, foreclose, lack of family, unemployment etc. I am going to be completely honest here and I am sure it is not what you want to hear but I think you can do and deserve someone so much better than Sam. I understand that you have refrained from talking much about him on the blog but I wonder where he is and what he is doing to help you through these though times. Has he been a solid shoulder to cry and lean on? While I understand he is busy and tight financially with his own child/life has he made the trip to take your boys to their important events/sports? Has he helped you clean out your storage shed? Has he helped fill your pantry even a little of late? In my eyes that is what a committed partner does. They sacrifice themselves for their partner when their partner does not have the strength (which you clearly do not right now.........Sam needs to be giving more than 50% right now because you are not able). A relationship is give and take. Does Sam not understand how important it is for you to stay where you are for the time being.........He should! and he should try to support you and your decision. You seemed so unhappy while you did briefly live with him. It just makes me worried for you. Please don't settle. I know I don't know you or your situation and I understand that you don't share everything on your blog. I am sorry if my comment upsets you that is not my intent. Only you, in your heart truly knows what is best. If that is with Sam then I wish you all the love and good fortune in the world. Just remember that you are a strong woman that has gone through so much and you have survived and raised two amazing boys along the way. I just know your life is going to turn around and I pray that it happens soon for you.

  6. I have been reading your post for a while also. I feel for you, being in a very similar situation. I do feel fortunate that I have moved back to my hometown, so several of my childhood friends are still in this area, giving me some things to do, BUT I really have no dealings with anyone else in this town such as the moms at my daughters school, etc. because being a single mom and a poor one at that, I just don't fit in. As always, I wish you the best and hope that everything works out for you.

  7. Bec - I am always grateful for all the comments I receive and never would be upset about the concern someone expresses. I truly appreciate that someone out there is reading this who has been there in regard to the unemployment, financial stress, etc. It is a sad situation to be in where you receive a small pension and are working but still can't survive financially to support yourself & two kids. I admit that I become overwhelmed because at times it seems impossible to bear any longer. And venting here on my blog is about the only method I have of trying to figure out answers - the lesser of the evils...

    TNT - The being poor aspect doesn't help much. When we still had a little of the life insurance money left it was easier to fit in. I'm with you 100%! And I've also decided to change the way I describe myself - instead of being poor I see myself as currently living in reduced circumstances. Hang in there too!

  8. Your comments about living on a wing and a prayer have inspired me to post about free entertainment. It will be on my blog tomorrow at and I hope people will add suggestions.

  9. Thelma - I wanted to leave you a comment on your blog but got goofed up when it requested "Your Friend's email address" as I wasn't sure what that meant. Anyway, I hope you get my message here. The 4th of July pie sounds delightful and fun - I've never heard of it and want to make it for the boys and I - it also is nice that it isn't expensive to whip up! Thanks for sharing it.

    I also wanted to let you know that at your suggestion I recently read The Handmaid's Tale but found it a little sad and depressing - scary too. I just finished "Alias Grace" by Margaret Atwood hoping another book of hers would be less of a downer for me and it was - the end was very hopeful and uplifting.

    Like you, I find the 4th less of an isolating holiday than others.