Am continuing to feel pretty down and out. Although I have sad thoughts running through my head I am at least cleaning up the house in anticipation of putting it on the market next week. I went and rented a small storage locker today and moved a great deal of excess from the house and garage into it. I had been trying to go through all the clutter in the home but found it was taking too long. At least it is now out of the house. My plan is to go to the storage locker and bring one box or bag home at a time to go through in the future. To try and accomplish a house full of bags and boxes is too much for me. I already feel a great sense of relief to have some of it out - and more will be gone tomorrow. I need to keep my life as manageable as possible and this is a way that I think I can handle the cleanup without being overwhelmed.
Other thoughts that have surfaced are that it is hard enough being a widow, but a poor widow at that is even worse! I keep thinking about the comfortable life I would be living right now if I had moved to my ex-husband's town and we hadn't divorced. I am especially worried about possible what ifs - what if the van breaks down, how will I afford college for the boys in a few years, how much of a down payment will I need to rent an apartment, what if the house doesn't sell???? I am scared because I don't have someone to rely on if something really bad goes wrong.
This weekend I have to get my youngest to a baseball game on Sat. (he'll be able to walk to the other two he has to play in) and then my oldest is in a volleyball tournament. I will have to ask someone to drive him home on Sat. and both ways on Sunday. My youngest will need a ride home on Sat. There is just so much pressure, at least for me, to have to rely on others for transportation since I will be at work. I am overcome with sadness that my family has exhibited such little concern for us. My ex-husband has stopped communicating with me again without an explanation (his usual pattern).
All of these thoughts are tumbling around in my head and my heart is so heavy. I do want to give myself at least a little credit for working on the house and doing the best I can to move forward even though my grief is pretty strong right now. Tomorrow, if my down mood continues I am going to have to work on the strategy I wrote about in yesterday's blog - focusing on love to push through grief.
Today I am grateful:
1. For frozen mini pizzas on sale for $1.00 each - they are pretty tasty.
2. For 75 cent Banquet brand potpies - cheap and tasty.
3. That my boys are so handsome and tall.
4. That it has been raining and not snowing.
5. For the birds chirping in the morning.