Thursday, September 24, 2009

No Guarantees

It was the third wedding anniversary with Husband #2 yesterday and I had a hard time of it throughout the day. Thinking about all that has been lost and what could have been, especially when contrasting it to where we have landed (now living in a lower income apartment complex - and I have to face admitting it - I am borderline poor - my income from cashiering at the big box store is minimal and my pension from my first husband puts us marginally above the poverty line. Until I gain full-time employment, we are poor).

Both husband #1 and #2 made very good incomes and had recession proof jobs. I married each of them with that partly in mind. But let me tell you - nothing guarantees protection from where we have fallen. I thought that after all of the grief and hardship following Husband #1's death that I was immune to more suffering. I remarried three years ago believing I'd been given a second chance at happiness and that it could never be snatched away from me. I was sorely mistaken because here we are.

It will take extreme strength and courage for me to pull myself up from the bottom of this new reality. I did sign up to take that Certified Nursing Assistant training 5-week program which starts 10/26. I am confident that once I complete that I will find full-time work during daytime hours which I need for the boys. Then, I will start honing in on getting back into my field as a mental health counselor. I am in survival mode. Three years ago this was not even a remote possibility in my mind. I was the new wife of a man making a salary of over $100,000. I didn't take this for granted - I was still caught up in all the chaos of caring for my parents and trying to deal with moving my boys. I never even got much of an opportunity to enjoy being a new, remarried wife. The contrast between that old life and this new one is so painful I can't write about it anymore.

Just another loss, another burden of grief to face and somehow tidy up so I can get on with my life and put these sorrowful memories behind me.

Today I am grateful:

1. For washing machines and dryers (even if they are not my own).
2. For fresh smelling laundry detergent.
3. For dryer sheets that reduce static.
4. For being able to wash in hot and cold water.
5. For having enough clothes to wash in the first place.

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