Friday, September 25, 2009

Muffins & Continued Rage

Both boys are out tonight, each with their group of friends. So here I am in the same situation (alone & sad). Moving to a new place did not change this aspect of my life. I went to Walmart to buy a microwave as ours conked off right before the move. The cheapest one there was $50.00 so I headed over to Target to see if I could do better. They had one for $41.99 on clearance. It was originally a $65.00 model so the better deal. I spent a little time wandering the store and felt furious at all the intact families I saw shopping and the moms and daughters together. I started to think of mean things to say to some of these people (pretty out of character). For instance, to a woman with hair down to her bottom I wanted to say, "Cut your hair, it is too long." To smokers I saw, I wanted to say, "Your habit is disgusting and you need to quit!" Just that sort of thing. Of course I am jealous and envious of those who are not alone. I know my boys would not be out shopping with me at their ages but if I were married I'd be with my husband and not alone. I saw a number of middle-aged husband and wife duos out together. I didn't see any depressed woman or men on their own but maybe I didn't notice them because I was too focused on seeing the lucky people not by themselves.

I have been out shopping so infrequently except the grocery store for over a year. I went a little crazy in the Taget Superstore Bakery - bakery stuff is a weakness for me, especially muffins. I picked up pumpkin, apple, cinnamon, double chocolate chip and carrot. Then I got some cinnamon/pecan rolls, chocolate croissants and mini cupcakes. I'll pop them all into the freezer and the three of us can select one each evening and take it out to defrost overnight the next couple of weeks. It will be a fall treat for us.

So I'd rather spend a little bit of extra money on food than anything else right now although I do covet a Celine Dion CD. In the past year I have only purchased one clothing item for myself - a lime green linen top (dress up) that was on sale at Carson's for $11.00. When I bought it I felt guilty and am still considering returning it.

I have those awful feelings of just wanting the world to stop or slow down for me so I can finish unpacking and putting this new place in order. While it remains messy and disorganized I find myself plunging deeper and deeper into dismay. Exactly how I felt in the early months of grief after my husband's death and then when my second husband filed for divorce. But what I have certainly learned is that the world doesn't give us a break and tomorrow I'll have to go to work and put on my game face. When I am upset like this I become more anxious about the boys whom I can't supervise because I am at work. I have reached the point where the anxiety and worry is not worth the few hundred dollars I am making. I am about ready to quit because I have to have some control over my life, even if it is simply that I am nearby and available to my boys.

Writing all this has destressed me and I am no longer in a snippy, sniping mode thinking mean thoughts about people I know and don't know. I will eat a cupcake and that will make my life and world just a teensey bit better.


  1. You shouldn't feel bad or guilty for feeling disgusted or mad. You've been through a lot and it has to come out somehow. I'm sure you would never actually say any of those things out loud. Keep the top if you really like it. I'm sure it looks great on you and you need something to feel good about. As for the house, clean/organize a small amount at the time and it will soon look normal again. I feel for you and your dilemma and I wish you better days ahead.

  2. it's normal to feel such rage and envy at what you don't have and you feel is being shoved in your face when you go out. as for hating the families walking around, you never know which wife has her fingers taped because her husband broke them or which child is hiding a secret drug habit. not every happy unit you see is really happy. maybe the thought that others have hidden sorrows will help keep your rage in perspective and you won't resort to throwing fruit like Robin Williams did in "Mrs. Doubtfire." (jut a little levity to try to coax a smile.)

    venting here is a good way to try to get it all out. i feel for you as i share a lot of your anger. i read about women who are out with friends getting support during their grief, having these friends drop by to spend an evening with them talking and crying and laughing and i feel such sorrow that my life didn't lend itself to that. and my Dragon, my husband who showed me how good a marriage can be, is dead and i am alone. i sometimes feel indirectly chastised that i'm not further along in my own grief but these pity feelings could be coming from the fact that i am not feeling well.

    we are both feeling very low but being here for each other, however anemic it is for us to talk this way, is something. i like to think that, should we ever get the chance to meet, we would *itch and moan and then look at each other and laugh at our horrible behavior. keep the top. let your feelings come out here and we will read them and empathize with you deeply. i'm sorry life is so hard. i hope that a ray of light shines on you very soon. you are in my thoughts.

  3. 4evernite - Thank you for not judging my ugly thoughts, mood and feelings. Thank you for acknowledging the reasons behind them. And thanks for your continued kindness and encouragement!

    womanNshadows - What can I say? You are always there and supportive! I am so grateful for your input and just knowing that you are out there - faraway but still a vital lifeline!

    I do know that what you see is not always the picture that is being portrayed but that is not stopping my upset at how the world seems to be so unfair. What I keep coming back to is how being so alone is so detrimental to healing - how we all need support and encouragement to help raise ourselves from this pit we have fallen into (not by our own account I might add!). That is what I want to yell to the world! I do have a close girlfriend I can count on - I know your situation is harder is some ways.

    If we were to meet, I think we would speak to one another without even saying words. But the words we would share would probably go beyond what most people exchange - there would be a richness and deepness shared. Perhaps someday... Thank you from the bottom of my soul for being there.

  4. when my daughter was going through her awkward stage in her early teen years, i used to talk to her in low tones like i was reading the thought balloons over other people's heads. i'd make them sound catty or vapid and it never failed to make her laugh. i did this until the jello dye job she did during one sleep-over with friends went horribly wrong and through her braces era. i did it while we were looking out the window of the bridal room right before her wedding. i faked her father's voice when he saw our little Marine bear that was our Dragon and i did it for her stepmother when she realized she was going to have to sit in the second row. outdoor wedding. short rows. she laughed so hard and all her frustration and nervousness about her father being there vanished. little acid-laced, sometimes toxic thought balloons made up with my own unresolved anger and frustration at the things that happened to us that we will never have resolution on.

    i wish i could stand behind you when you're walking through stores and make up stuff that sounds absolutely horrible but would have you in stitches. luxuriate in a bath with a Shirley Temple and the TV Guide. go ahead. you've earned it. in fact. so have i. talk to you later.

  5. I love the idea of luxuriating with a Shirley Temple and the TV Guide - Fun!

    You have gone through so much prior to your Dragon's death. That must contribute and add to the horrible loss you are dealing with now. Sobering reality...