Both boys are out tonight, each with their group of friends. So here I am in the same situation (alone & sad). Moving to a new place did not change this aspect of my life. I went to Walmart to buy a microwave as ours conked off right before the move. The cheapest one there was $50.00 so I headed over to Target to see if I could do better. They had one for $41.99 on clearance. It was originally a $65.00 model so the better deal. I spent a little time wandering the store and felt furious at all the intact families I saw shopping and the moms and daughters together. I started to think of mean things to say to some of these people (pretty out of character). For instance, to a woman with hair down to her bottom I wanted to say, "Cut your hair, it is too long." To smokers I saw, I wanted to say, "Your habit is disgusting and you need to quit!" Just that sort of thing. Of course I am jealous and envious of those who are not alone. I know my boys would not be out shopping with me at their ages but if I were married I'd be with my husband and not alone. I saw a number of middle-aged husband and wife duos out together. I didn't see any depressed woman or men on their own but maybe I didn't notice them because I was too focused on seeing the lucky people not by themselves.
I have been out shopping so infrequently except the grocery store for over a year. I went a little crazy in the Taget Superstore Bakery - bakery stuff is a weakness for me, especially muffins. I picked up pumpkin, apple, cinnamon, double chocolate chip and carrot. Then I got some cinnamon/pecan rolls, chocolate croissants and mini cupcakes. I'll pop them all into the freezer and the three of us can select one each evening and take it out to defrost overnight the next couple of weeks. It will be a fall treat for us.
So I'd rather spend a little bit of extra money on food than anything else right now although I do covet a Celine Dion CD. In the past year I have only purchased one clothing item for myself - a lime green linen top (dress up) that was on sale at Carson's for $11.00. When I bought it I felt guilty and am still considering returning it.
I have those awful feelings of just wanting the world to stop or slow down for me so I can finish unpacking and putting this new place in order. While it remains messy and disorganized I find myself plunging deeper and deeper into dismay. Exactly how I felt in the early months of grief after my husband's death and then when my second husband filed for divorce. But what I have certainly learned is that the world doesn't give us a break and tomorrow I'll have to go to work and put on my game face. When I am upset like this I become more anxious about the boys whom I can't supervise because I am at work. I have reached the point where the anxiety and worry is not worth the few hundred dollars I am making. I am about ready to quit because I have to have some control over my life, even if it is simply that I am nearby and available to my boys.
Writing all this has destressed me and I am no longer in a snippy, sniping mode thinking mean thoughts about people I know and don't know. I will eat a cupcake and that will make my life and world just a teensey bit better.