Was busier than normal at work today so didn't get out as early as I usually do. Rushed to the store for the "Friday Family" $5.00 dinner special, which tonight was fish and chips. Added some coleslaw, then off to the dry cleaners to pick up my son's show choir outfit as they leave tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. to perform in Wisconsin. My youngest called me en route to ask when I'd be home as he was very hungry. Ditto for the oldest boy.Started dinner as soon as I was in the door, which only consisted of heating the oven to 450 and getting the fish and chips on a baking tray and putting them in. But the half hour baking time turned out to be too much for my sons to wait for. The youngest got picked up for a trip to the mall and then my oldest flew off to a 4-H meeting. When did he join 4-H? He is in too many activities as it is!
So I'm left with a pan of cooked fish and chips that will no doubt end up soggy by the time the boys get home. And I'm on my own again, tired with a sink full of dirty dishes, laundry to get done since my son needs some things washed for the show choir performance (his special undershirt that the boys need since they wear sequined shirts which are itchy).
I have my own fish and chips dinner - but a Jenny Craig version. Just feeling a bit down and out that it is another Friday night on my lonesome. I can't even imagine going out for dinner or on a date right now. I'm tired and have to work again tomorrow. On the bright side I hope Dateline is on and I can knit and/or read. But I never was prepared for evenings like this. I always thought that once the boys were this age and off and about with their friends, my husband and I would have the freedom to catch a movie or show together. This wasn't supposed to be the plan. Gosh, even making a quick dinner together and playing a game of cards with my husband would be preferable to the silence that permeates my home space and brings on a touch of sadness right now.
I have found your blog and have been immersing myself in it; it so resonates with me and my situation as a new widow...and it strikes me, you are a fabulous writer. I don't say that lightly. I've read a few memoirs of widowhood, mainly Joan Didion's book A Year of Magical Thinking, and I have Joyce Carol Oates' book A Widow's Tale on reserve at the library. I've also read various things on the internet...but I truly think you capture the honesty and reality of what it means to find yourself in this lonely place as nothing I have ever read has. You write simply, yet eloquently, and you notice the small but poignant feelings of living everyday life that really are what it the most difficult to go through.
ReplyDeleteI will be following your blog...yes, i know what it means to want to matter to someone. I struggle with that so much myself. Well, in this way, your thoughts and feelings matter to me, even in this limited cerebral fashion!
Peace.....
Your comments are taken to the heart and mean a great deal to me. I loved Joan Didion's book. I remember racing through it to see what "solution" to grief Ms. Didion found. And I remember being so awe struck and disappointed that the reality was that it doesn't end. Her words haunted me - "I know why we try to keep the dead alive: we try to keep them alive in order to keep them with us. I also know that if we are to live ourselves there comes a point at which we must relinquish the dead, let go, keep them dead." I also remember shaking my head at a friend's comment who had read the book. The main point she got out of the book was that death can make someone go "crazy" and actually believe they aren't dead. I shook my head and just realized again how those not in our position don't really get it because the book was so much beyond her limited comprehension of Didion's recollections.
ReplyDeleteYou are right - in the end it is not the big things but the little ordinary events of our lives that end up being the most difficult to continue to face as a widow. The ones most people wouldn't even consider being challenging.
Thanks for your lovely comments and support.
I too am experiencing this void now my daughter has gone away to uni and my son is so often not around. I have prepared for it though with craft projects and other activities to keep me occupied. I can see that my children are worried about me, so I am going to be damn sure that my life has meaning above and beyond loving and supporting them. The last thing I want is for them to hang around to keep me company or to feel guilty because they have a life and I don't.
ReplyDeleteAlone doesn't have to mean lonely.
Love always
Julie
Julie - My boys are at the stage of being pretty self-involved so I don't think they really "worry" about me that much. Once in awhile they will make a comment about my needing to get out more and do things for myself. I tried signing up for the archery class but it is not going to be held since I'm the only one that registered. But there are three more coming up in April, May and June so I'll try again. Also thinking about Karate and taking some classes at the community college. Right now I'm knitting the cats a cat bed. I think I should knit myself something really special and luxurious. Like your ending sentence - good food for thought that alone doesn't have to mean lonely. Love always back to you.
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