Monday, October 5, 2009

Stability & Structure = Sanity

I cannot find the charger for the camcorder. It was in a wicker basket that I had on the baker's rack in the living room. All of the other storage baskets that were on the rack have been found except for this one. And of course the camcorder charger is the one thing in my entire home that I now need. Why does it always go like this? To be unable to locate the one item of importance to you when you most need it?

My oldest is cheerleader for the girl's touch football team game tonight (Powder Puff). A group of Junior and Senior boys is performing the half-time routine for the girls as a spoof. My son says it is hilarious! So I of course would like to tape it.

In the midst of all this chaos and confusion, the fact that my boys through it all have remained popular and active in school is one of the threads of sanity I have been able to hold on to!

There are still boxes to put away in our small new living space. My youngest son's room is still stacked with them (mainly books that need to be shelved). But it is tedious and not fun work, especially when there is limited time and you're doing it on your own.

This all brings to mind the need for stability and structure in our lives. My grief journey has ripped us of these necessities over the past years and it has taken a severe toll. To be living in a messy, unattractive home is disheartening and depressing. Then to add to that the inability to locate items that are important to you just brings on more frustration. And I still have three storage sheds to consolidate once the apartment is unpacked!

My girlfriend who has moved from her big suburban home into a townhome came into the store while I was working on Sat. night. We joked that we will probably still have boxes that remain unpacked until our next moves whenever they may be in the future!

I am devoting myself to the unpacking and organizing of the apartment this week. The storage sheds will have to wait for next week. I cannot deal with the discord and disharmony surrounding us. Our homes wherever they may be need to nurture, comfort and reassure us in this crazy, unpredictable world. Right now the only control I can exhibit and display is my ability to create some calm within this raging whirlwind of chaos. I know what to do and that has to be the task. I am going crazy here...

Today I am grateful:

1. For the gorgeous fall sunny day we had yesterday.
2. For scarecrows and hay bales.
3. For being able to throw out garbage daily instead of waiting for the weekly pickup when I lived in our home.
4. For the ability to be able to see my son cheer at tonight's game (that I don't have to work).
5. That at least I found the camcorder (which still has a couple minutes of time on it - maybe enough to tape a little of the routine tonight).


  1. it's been 8 months-ish since my Dragon died and i had to move into my apartment. just last saturday i looked at the place and realized how i wanted the furniture moved around. it takes time and you want it set up immediately. i am so much like that. i've moved the furniture around 60 times and i think, finally, maybe, this will work - and it's just me and two silly little dogs. hang on to your good thoughts. i'm glad you don't have to work so you can watch your son tonight. splurge on pizza and soda's or whatever is the favorite food of the day for your boys and maybe you can be like my two kids and i were, the Three Musketeers, and get a workable disaster going for you very soon.

    thinking of you.

  2. I still have unpacked boxes from when we moved to this house 6 1/2 years ago. I suspect I don't need their contents!

    I do, however, so understand your need for order and harmony - I absolutely have to know where things are and have space around me to move and breathe. There is still a ton of junk around the place to sort and get rid of, but the areas of peace that I have carved out for myself are so precious to me now.

    I hope you find the charger or, if you don't, you will be able to borrow a recording of your son from another parent to copy.