Saturday, October 24, 2009

Reflections & Realizations

Some of the realizations I have been recently experiencing relate to the issues of complicated bereavement and how grief does not just vanish after the first year or with a marriage proposal. Each loss builds upon previous losses - that is one of the reasons I am so hesitant to transfer the boys out of this community and their high school. Our grief journey has been full of numerous losses and disappointments. These boys had a stepfather who talked the talk but didn't even have the decency to say goodbye to them. There's another loss and really abandonment. The financial struggles and having to leave our home are another.

Also, are there limits to what a person can experience? When does another loss become the one that breaks your back when you've had so many? I mention this because all grief and loss is hard. But those of us struggling financially without supportive family have different challenges to bear than those who don't have the same circumstances.

I guess what I am trying to articulate is that it is just not so easy to fully recover and move forward after such losses. Hollywood makes it look a lot easier and smoother than it is. And, I truly believe that the general population and especially those who haven't experienced much hardship do not realize all the complications resulting from the death of a significant other.

Maybe times are changing. Maybe people losing their jobs and homes with the Recession will result in some good by increasing the general public's overall compassion and understanding for others. Maybe that can extend out into the universe so we all become more tolerant and loving to all of humanity. Nice thought...


  1. it is my very humble opinion that after such losses we are forever changed. we don't do any of the catch phrases that are liberally sprinkled over the tops of those who grieve. we "don't get over it." we "don't get better." we "don't move past it."

    i think we are forever changed and we endure what the pain brings to us. "this too shall pass" applies only in that we gain strength to keep going as we adapt to the new us that has taken shape from the blow of a loved one's death. literally nothing in our lives will ever be the same again so why should be expected to go back to being the same person. how can we?

    we become a soul who has lost a part of ourselves. but we continue our lives for ourselves, for our loves ones still here. i like the thought i read in one of the other sites that stated something to the effect that when we go on living our lives, we should live them as fully as possible so that when we meet up with our deceased loved ones, we will have so much to tell them.

    as for compassion from others in the face of financial hardship, there will always be that huge fence line where gravity pulls at the ego of those sitting up there. which way it pulls them, either into the side of compassion and generosity or into the side of judgement and arrogance, will always depend on whether or not their ego hears their heart.

    i hope you are having a peaceful weekend in some form.

  2. wNs - I love all that you have written in the first three paragraphs. Maybe you can post those words on your blog so others can see them too. In just a few short paragraphs you relate so much about the grief experience but not in a morbid way. And you also offer hope to keep on living fully. Thank you for sharing your life and insights.

  3. wNs- Your words are so profound and explain so precisely what my and many others grief experience has been like. I gain so much from coming here and reading what everyone has to say. Thank you so much for sharing yourself so openly.