Having a tough day filled with a lot of anxiety, concern and worry. Took my oldest to the doctor because he is freaking out about his acne which has worsened but is still not terrible (as the doctor noted). But for a 16-year-old, one pimple is the end of the world during Homecoming week! Plus, I needed to get my physical done for the Certified Nursing Program I am starting at the end of the month. This visit cost me $60.00 out-of-pocket, in addition to the $350.00 I am paying for our insurance coverage monthly. Since we have no prescription coverage, I went to WalMart and got the list of the prescriptions they offer for $4.00. The doctor prescribed my son an antibiotic from the list. At least psychologically he will feel better taking something. While there, I asked for a refill on my Xanax which is only about $10.00 to fill. Feeling as stressed as I have been, I wanted to have the refill available so I can relieve some of the tension if I chose to.
The financial conditions of my life have gotten me to the point of feeling a pit in my stomach every day. Today's medical errands were a strain. On top of that, being Homecoming week is not helping. After the doctor, my son and I went to Kohl's and Target since he needed a new shirt and tie for the dance on Saturday. Each cost $20.00 which I know is relatively inexpensive but not when you are on the verge of considering filing for bankruptcy.
I called my attorney this morning because I have concerns that filing may cause problems for me finding a job or housing in the future. The nice paralegal's response to me was that my credit is already ruined so I mind as well go the easier route now by wiping out the debt. In my case, however, I am working with Consumer Credit Counseling with my creditors. The real problem putting me under is having to pay the $350.00 each month and then some for the health insurance!
At this point I am tabling a decision on the bankruptcy until later in the month. I need to locate my financial documents which are missing from the move anyway. But I still have to buy my youngest a shirt, pants and tie for the dance (both boys are wearing their old suits) but I needed to have the jackets dry cleaned. The tickets for both were $30.00 each and I ordered flowers for their dates ($16.00 each). Then there is the cost of dinner.
The money just keeps dribbling out and we are not living high on the hog here. The boys last got clothing during the spring from the used clothing store. They need clothes for winter.
My real fear stems from worry that I am not able to provide adequately for my boys (especially the health and medical). We don't have dental coverage. We all go longer than we should for haircuts. We have only been on one vacation in seven years (Michigan for my honeymoon with husband #2).
The worst of it is to have all this anxiety and fear building up and not having a place for it to really go. Guyfriend says to not worry about it but his son lives with his ex-wife who makes $75,000 a year. Guyfriend does not have to worry about putting food on the table for two teen boys, covering their Homecoming expenses, medical needs and clothing them appropriately, etc. I have a hard time and struggle with the disparity between my situation and that of my Guyfriend. Currently our computer mouse is broken and we need printer ink. I also need to come up with $300.00 by mid-month which is the monthly auto insurance coverage for my son and I. It just doesn't end!
I feel overwhlemed and like I am being buried alive! Facing this stuff alone is the other killer.
I am praying to hang in there until I can complete the CNA training by the end of November. It is my meal ticket out of the difficulty I've had finding full-time work in my field. Guyfriend keeps telling me to hang in there and be hopeful/positive. But I tell you, there comes a point when you are so overcome with worry and all that you have to do that it paralyzes you! I need to be the one supporting these kids but find some days harder than others when there doesn't seem to be much support coming my way. What is that example they always use when flying? That you have to put your oxygen mask on first in order to be able to help those who depend on you. Right now I'm just feeling like an overworked, overwrought, excessively stressed and worried mom who needs a little TLC from someone/anyone in order to make it through the next hurdle.
I am purposely taking a break from listing what I am grateful for today because I just don't feel like it and I guess I'm honestly not feeling very grateful and don't want to pretend I am. I feel like the world is against me and I am up against a power too great to overcome. Pretty hard to feel grateful when that is churning around your brain!