Sunday, October 18, 2009

Needs and Options

I have not seen my therapist in a few weeks in an effort to save money. During our last session she commented that times of intense grief can lead to great personal insight, strength and growth. She added that she knew if I had a choice to have my husband back and not have gone through all this turmoil, in a heartbeat, I'd have him back. But one of the outcomes to his death has been increased self-awareness and development.

When I'm cutting corners and not seeing my therapist I try to read, study and continue to work on my grief. I've been reading a book by life coach Talane Miedaner. In it, she has a "Needs" quiz to take which helps you identify your specific, individual top four needs. These are the ones shaping your personality, driving you - your thoughts and decisions. I was pretty sure that some of my top needs would revolve around needing to feel safe, secure, cared for, protected and supported. And that was correct. My other top needs include wanting to be appreciated/valued and loved/cherished.

There are 21 basic needs in her list and you can take the quiz online yourself at "" or "" or "emotional index quiz."

I think it is a good idea for us to know ourselves because in doing so we can hopefully make better decisions about our lives. It certainly makes sense that if I am a person who really needs to feel safe, secure and protected, I am a basket case in my current life as a financially struggling widow. Likewise, if being loved and cherished is a top need it is understandable that I am not happy when without a partner.

So taking this quiz did not really surprise me but it did help me understand why the past few years have taken their toll on me and also explain my need and desire to remarry and be in a partnership. This widowhood gig is definetly at great odds with the life I need, value and crave. That is pretty apparent. And seeing that now on paper, in black and white is providing me with more perspective as to figuring out the options I have for my future at this point.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the pretty fall day.
2. For the sun shining.
3. For the vibrant colors of leaves.
4. For the warmer temperature
5. That we were treated to a wonderful dinner out at one of those Asian restaurants where they prepare everything with the knife artistry in front of you - my boys have been to these places, it was my first time. Very yummy! Rare treat!


  1. That was a really interesting quiz! My top four needs were 1.)peace, 2.)control, 3.)independence and 4.)order. Those fit in very well with what I know about myself, so I would say it's pretty accurate.

  2. V - I am glad you took the quiz and found it accurate. I'm hoping that we can take what we know about ourselves to better cope with our situations.

  3. I have become very introspective in the past 3 years. I have come to understand so many things that I did not or could not see prior to my husbands death. I have a lot of 'me' time now. Time alone with myself. I have tried as you have to put that time to good use. I am more aware of myself emotionally and spiritually. I still have a long way to go but I feel like I have come very far already. I'm still sad and depressed a lot of the time. That's ok because I still get up, take a shower, get dressed and go to work. There was a time when I couldn't. Progress. Even if it's only measured in baby steps.

  4. Kelly - I compare myself to other women out there who have never faced these hardships and often wonder what they think about - sometimes I believe the biggest accomplishment of their days is getting through the latest issue of Redbook magazine. I don't mean to be insulting to them, I just find women like us have kind of been forced to become more introspective. The death of our spouses caused us to search for more meaning and answers. Some days I wish I could go back to the old days when I even had time to read Redbook - or I even cared.