Monday, October 12, 2009


I am finding a pattern to my life. When I am able to be preoccupied with a task or situation, like getting the boys through Homecoming Week, I can manage pretty decently. I feel on-task, focused and together - and that I am working toward and achieving a goal. But after the event is over, I kind of crash and become depressed and unfocused. I feel overwhelmed and listless. I have a hard time motivating myself and getting going again.

The boys have also seemed to crash. They are irritable and on me - picking at me, demanding a new computer game system (that we can hardly afford after plopping down approximately $350.00 for Homecoming). I know they are frustrated and upset with our situation. They need new clothes/shoes and have gone without so many things over the past couple years.

So there is a bit of tension in our household and I am at the breaking point of being able to keep it together. If ever there was a need to take an escape weekend or even night off, it would be now for me. But I can't justify the cost of anything extra right now - I just don't have it.

I think part of this may be in the fact that I am experiencing deep feeling of loss related to selling and moving from the house. Somehow tied into that too, are feelings of tremendous pain around my divorce. I wish more than anything that I could turn off thinking about Husband #2 but I have not been able to do that yet. Those feelings involve some of the lowest of low - rejection, abandonment and disrespect. The combination of those along with moving from my home are like a double whammy for me.

The apartment is still not organized and put together. Unpacked boxes remain and I need to move some furniture into storage because it is too cramped. I am utterly unsure of where/how to start consolidating my three storage sheds. They are so packed there is no way to work within them so I will have to take everything out and repack everything, I suppose. But right now that seems too much for me to handle/accomplish on my own.

Do you want to know what I really want to do? I just want to lie in bed with the covers over me. I want to tune out the world and everything I have to do and say, "Too bad, forget it all." I seem more mentally drawn and drained than physically. But I just want to hang it all up and escape somewhere, somehow. Only there is no real place to go.

I have to work an endless 8-hour shift at the big box store tomorrow, I swear, after these shifts I am so exhausted I am ready to collapse with a migraine besides. But I am off Wed., Thur. and Fri. and I suppose I will have to get up and not go back to sleep when the boys leave. And I will have to face the storage sheds and open one and just start taking the boxes and stuff out. And then I will have to do my best to put it all back in stacking everything as high as possible and hopefully will be able to empty one into the other. And then I'll just have to start on the next...


  1. you are at such a low point and i can empathize so very much. i've been where you are, i am where you are on so many levels and yet that means nothing to you right now. this is your pain and fear, anguish and exhaustion. there is no magic wand. there is no trick or short cut, believe me, i've looked. there is only the compassion from one beaten down person to another. that glance of world-weary ruefulness that passes for conversation. it says, "i understand and wish there was something i could do for you." and i do.

    try to keep hope alive. try to keep your head up. there will come a day, and i have to believe this for my own sake, that all the pain will wash away and we will be allowed to come out through on the other side.

    you are in my thoughts. peace.

  2. Gosh, those four words just say it all - pain, fear, anguish and exhaustion. What a combination! You write about them so eloquently though, they almost become tolerable. Thanks you for your kind thoughts - it means so much during this bleak period.

  3. a pinprick of light in a dark sky is still a point of light. i hope you have better day today.

  4. I think you summed it up well, so long as you are occupied its ok. I think we all do that, try to find something to take our minds off the day to dayness of what we are living, against our will at that. Your words made me think that maybe if I could find a way to allow the day to day stuff become what occupies me then perhaps that will suffice for now. That's my pinprick of light.....looking forward, with hope, that the mundane will become enough to occupy my mind, even if only for a few hours a day. Thanks again for sharing. You are getting me to think outside of the box for the first time in a really long time.