Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My Evil Thoughts

I suffer from bouts of jealousy, particularly when I'm under severe stress (like now). Over this past weekend I went out with two girlfriends (both divorced and making about $60,000 each) who got vehicles from their fathers. I am jealous of that as well as the fact that both friends can also call upon their dads for money, if necessary. When I have thoughts like these I refer to them as "my evil thoughts." They also include thoughts of revenge and right now my latest fantasy in that regard is that I want to send a cake in the shape of a penis to my ex-husband's work department. The cake will be inscribed with some kind of message like, "Guess who can't come?" I know this kind of thing is childish and silly but I can't stop those kind of thoughts when I get in this mood or frame of mind.

I talked about all this with a friend and he told me to let it go - that my ex will die a lonely, old man. I asked him why my ex just discarded us and left me to pick up the pieces. My friend replied that "it is safe." I called him back a little bit later to ask him what he meant. He explained that not having to deal with problems is safe. But not necessarily the mature or right thing to do I would add.

Sometimes when I'm in a store or wherever and I see a sloppy/unkempt woman being mean to her children or spouse I also am jealous. I was even feeling jealous of my sister - she has not been supportive over the past years and has totally blown me off since my divorce. Why does she get to still have a husband and helpmate while mine had to die? I would never have been so unsisterly toward her - I would have provided better support to her if she had been in my shoes. And why does my ex-husband get to walk away from all of this without even saying goodbye to me or the boys, nor face any responsibility for his actions?

The answer is of course that life is unfair but that is just not cutting it for me right now. I think this is because I have faced more than the typical amount of hardship - it has just kept coming and coming the past 5 years and now with the foreclosure it is still continuing. A friend offered a good perspective to all of this by saying there will always be those who are better off than us, as well as those who are less fortunate. But that doesn't stop me from being jealous of the woman I see in the store with her husband by her side or seeing the man looking confused as he calls his wife or partner for instructions on what kind of flavored tomato sauce she needs for dinner.

Today I am grateful:

1. That it is raining instead of snowing.
2. That Spring is here.
3. That despite my jealous thoughts, I also have more compassionate thoughts toward others.

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