I have been mad at the world and jealous and feeling sorry for myself the past few days (that it is during my period may have something to do with this) but anyway, I wish I were stronger and not consumed by these thoughts and feelings. My grief counselor has always told me that we need to feel whatever feelings that are there and it becomes harmful when we try to push them away. She says that if we can stick with them (even the really yucky, wimpy ones like I'm having now) we'll gain deeper insight into what is really going on with us.
I am particularly upset with myself for feeling jealous of people I don't know that I see in the store. Why do they get to buy a cartload of groceries while I am counting out $4.00 in change to pay for a handful of items? Why are they still married and my first husband died and the second divorced me? As a counselor, I am usually so kind, patient, understanding and tolerant of others. It is hard for me to accept this other side of me as I struggle to deal with so much hardship. But herein lies the key. Rather than try and stop my jealous thoughts, I need to stick with them when they come out.
I think most of us try to snuff out the "bad" feelings we have - anger, resentment, jealousy, intolerance because it doesn't correspond with the images we have of ourselves being nice, good, decent people. Maybe we still are those good people even when we struggle with our darker sides.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I got a call back for a third interview at a potential job (part-time) in my field.
2. That I have a very good grief counselor working with me.
3. That hard times pass and don't last forever.