Some time back (maybe a month or two but who knows, time gets kind of distorted for me) the downstairs toilet or commode as I prefer to call it, became unusable because the handle wouldn't flush. No big deal, we just stopped using the downstairs one and only used the one upstairs. This morning, however, the handle upstairs now won't flush. What is that called when that happens? I don't know. I have not been a good housekeeper since my husband died and all home maintenance has fallen by the wayside for lack of funds, lack of time and lack of knowledge.
I am feeling extremely distraught over this. It is just another metaphor for my life falling apart. I can think of all kinds of fitting phrases here. "My life has become a toilet." "My life has tanked." "I can't even flush the garbage out of my life."
There is no nice boyfriend who lives in town (or nearby) who will offer to drop by and fix the problem. My male friend told me to unscrew the handle and take it to the hardware store and then he told me I'd have to play around with it and I just ended up feeling helpless and irritated at him. He also told me to have the boys "fix it" but none of us here know how to "play around" with a broken commode. There has been no functioning dad in this home for the past seven years and I am weary and tired and drained and we are all angry and stressed and hurting.
But I'm just supposed to march on with a smile on my face to the hardware store and go find a job and somehow try to climb out of this hellhole we've fallen into. And to somehow be strong as a parent to two (sometimes difficult and challenging teenagers).
I'm crying right now just wanting someone to hold me and tell me that things will be okay. I want someone to take care of me for a change and to hear the words, "Don't worry, I'll fix the toilet." I know a week or so ago I wrote about feeling confident and take charge as I changed all the burned out light bulbs inside and out. But non-flushing commodes are at another level. It is not so easy as screwing in a new light bulb. I have to work at this and think about it. I don't want to have to add any more complications to my life right now but they keep popping up.
Last night, all was at least as tolerable as things could be in this situation but by morning all hell has broken loose because the commode won't flush. A small problem in the grand scheme of households but for someone like me the straw that will break the camel's back (or what will push me over the edge of keeping it all together - or pretending to keep it all together).
My therapist has been questioning my desire to remarry saying I haven't had much luck in that department, what with a husband dying on me and another divorcing me. But I throw the question out there to any widow or widower reading this. Why wouldn't we want to be remarried? Who wants to keep facing the drudgery and hardships of day-to-day life and parenting by oneself with no one to lean on? This life absolutely sucks and I'm sick and tired of it. Of course, it would be great to share the ups and joys of life with someone too. I just think there would be more simple pleasures to celebrate if there was less stress in my life which is partly related to the fact that I live on my own and don't have a loving and committed partner by my side.
Today I am grateful:
1. That the sun is shining.
2. That it looks like Spring is actually coming.
3. That it is warmer (just another reason to be happy it is Spring - the furnace upstairs is broken so I can stop worrying about that for a change).
As I finish this and try to end on a positive note (which is why I close with what I'm grateful for) I am still feeling down, depleted and defeated. I am thinking to myself is it any wonder people in our shoes get sick more often and may end up with more health problems as they age? The daily stress and strains of living like this take a huge toll. Just another reason for remarrying and spreading the crap between two instead of just one.