Somewhat of a rough day spent clearing out some closets and transporting the contents to the storage shed. Yesterday, I took eight bags of children's books to the resale shop. As I went through the playroom closet, I did feel some relief that at least my boys were not deprived of books or toys when they were little! I came across the random note written by my first husband and the preschool homework he had helped our oldest with. The assignment was to find items beginning with the letter "U" and glue them onto a piece of paper. Knowing that he had worked with my son on this hard letter (they used umbrella and a flag for USA) touched me all these years later. Of course I set these memories aside and will put them with my scrapbooks.
My mood throughout the day was sad and melechony. I decided to do the closets and to delay the real packing as long as I can so as not to make the house look like a disaster zone. I wish I were a stronger person who could say that moving into an apartment doesn't upset me and that a home is what you make it and all of that. But the fact is, I do feel as though I have lost a social status symbol and that I have become less of a person because I will be living in an apartment. Maybe I need to look at it from another perspective that I wasn't a better person for being able to live in a house all these years, just more fortunate than some others.
I hired a moving company and also found a short-term Certified Nursing Asst. program in the area starting for five weeks on 10/26 at an affordable cost of $600.00. I need to make a decision to register soon as this program will also fill up quickly. The thought of taking the months of Sept. and Oct. to clear out the storage sheds, organize our new home and have a period of self-reflection sounds very good to me right now. And to know that by the start of the new year I can be in a better position to find full-time employment also is a soothing thought.
The boys start school next week and it is a challenge to deal with all of the emotional stuff in moving and to keep it fairly together for them. Somedays that is what I tell myself to make it through - that I have to focus on them because if I don't, no one else will. For me, it is this aspect of widowhood that has been the most difficult - the "only" parenting. If I accomplish one thing with this blog, I hope it is to inform the general population that being an only parent is unbelievably tough. The day-in and day-out of being the only one worrying about the kids and doing the hands-on parenting. At least divorced parents share the parenting responsibilities to some extent and there is time off when the other parent has visitation. I think most people don't realize how draining being an only parent is because there is never a break and the longer you've been an only parent, the more exhausted you are (physically and emotionally!). I will get off my soapbox for now. I just know that for me dealing with this move and the sale of my home would be so much more tolerable if I were facing it with a partner/husband.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the fall-like cool weather.
2. For the tinge of red I noticed starting in the leaves of some of my bushes.
3. For the hardy mums being sold at the grocery store - I'll get a big one for the balcony of my apartment when we move.
4. For the rain today which cleared the air and made it feel so refreshing.
5. For umbrellas and our country's beautiful flag.