Sunday, January 3, 2010

More of Sam's Feedback

Sam was kind enough to call me again to rehash all of this. He had 15 minutes before work started for him. He said he cannot see us moving if we are all going to be miserable. He is worried that the boys WILL fail at the new school and the problems that would then result. He said we are trying to work out the best solution for all of us and that it would probably be better to revisit the move at the end of the school year. He agrees that our trial run in Dec. did make him now hesitant to get married but does not want to end our relationship... He said he will try to send approx. $200.00 monthly to help out in addition to covering our cell phone bill. He wishes he could provide more but cannot do so. Sam also pointed out that some married couples live out-of-state and others work through situations like ours because of school issues with the kids. He admitted the schools in the new town are not as good as what the boys are use to and he understands the difficulties in moving.

Hearing all of this just makes me want to move because I don't want to lose such a stand-up guy. I feel we are right for one another but I suppose the timing and circumstances are not. Sam told me he does not think it is in my heart to make the move right now. I told him if I have to choose it would be to move because of him but he does not want to make ultimatums. Nor does he feel that the turmoil that is going on right now serves as a good foundation in which to start a marriage.

In a way, I am now having my cake and eating it too. Being able to stay back so the boys can attend school here but not being able to live with Sam and start our lives under one roof is a terrible price to pay and I am not dancing in the street with joy. There would be sadness, regret, pain and loss whichever decision the two of us came too. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and that no one road was a win-win for us. Both decisions involved loss and sacrifice.


  1. I honestly don't know what to say. Up until now I truly believed that the boys COULD make it in the new school with a concerted effort and some help from some good teachers. It would appear now that even if they chose to do so it might not make a difference given Sam's new outlook. I'm not sure what waiting until the end of the school year is going to change. If the boys are determined not to adjust you are going to go through the exact same thing as in Dec. The fact that they were aware this was a 'trial' and that they somehow had a chance to effect the outcome of that 'trial' gave them the power to do just that. They now know they have the power to make the move work or not work. That power has now effected the way that Sam is viewing the whole situation. That makes me sad. They are kids and they have effectively taken control of an adult situation/decision. If you were to ask them honestly if they are happy about Sam's new outlook I think they would be hesitant to admit that yes they are. Why? Because it means they get what they want. They are not thinking about you and your happiness. Why? Because they are kids and that's what kids do. They aren't doing it to be mean or cruel, they are doing it because they are kids and they want what they want when they want it. But what about you? In 3 years time they will both be in college and where will you be? Will you have Sam at that point or will he be gone because he couldn't wait that long? I would hate to see that happen because I think he IS a good guy and he a guy who can and is willing to make you happy.

    Since it would appear you are now going to stay at least until June it's time to make a decision regarding June NOW. If you are going to go in June tell the boys now and let the adjust to the finality of it. The fact that they are kids and have no choice. They go where you go and they will make the best of it. They are more than capable. I fear if you don't do it now and wait until June you will be right where you are today. My boys are being told in the upcoming weeks of just such a move and they will have to adjust. Because it is what is best for everyone. Good luck my friend.

  2. Kelly - For the first time I feel some relief and the ability to look ahead. This whole situation has been eating me alive. I hear what you are saying and I know you are in a similar situation. But my boys had this move sprung on them 2 weeks before we moved. There were problems between the two schools coordinating things because it was a move mid-year and between schools that don't even operate on the same grading system. Both schools said it would have been far better to have moved at the end of the semester or year's end, etc. In all honesty, I think that both Sam and I saw first hand the results of the move and have tried to make a decision among ourselves that best fits us and our situation. Is it perfect or right? Heck, no. Whatever way we went with this there were going to be problems. At least now we have time to find a friend for my oldest to live with if he stays for senior year.

    I know this is a problem faced by others and maybe it becomes more challenging for families where a spouse has died. I feel horrible that my sons have been painted as selfish monsters because truth be told I have had a hand in that making. Yes, they are disrespectful at times but so are other kids. These are boys who've been raised without a dad or male figure in their lives. It is not to excuse them but to say please understand that the ways we look at life and handle things may be different from intact families.

    I guess in the end we are all just trying to do the best we can do for ourselves and our families. Thank you my friend and I hope I can return to you, support and concern in the future.

  3. Kelly - I wanted to share something else I haven't written much about. If I moved, I faced severe financial consequences for breaking my lease early to the tune of $4,000.00. Even the apt. complex I live at made a comment that I should consider not moving until the boys finished the school year. The thought of being sued by the rental company was another heavy weight around my shoulders. So there were some logistical concerns as well. It was just a combination of so many things.

  4. They are kids this is how kids act. Make no apologies. Trust me, mine can be and are equally as difficult at times. The fact that they don't have a strong male hand to put them back in place is a contributing factor. Of the 2 of us, I am the stronger disciplinarian and she will call me to dole out punishment when they are not responding to her. I call her the "Queen of One More Chance" and she calls me the "Queen of No More Chances". I, however, am not there enough. The boys do know that once I do get there the rubber will meet the road. Until then, they play whatever games they can get away with. Why? Because their kids and they can. It doesn't make any of us bad parents it just means we are working within the limitations that the world has set before us.

    I think letting your oldest stay with a friend next year is definitely a solution but be prepared for the youngest to be mad because he can't stay. Our boys are almost exactly the same ages apart. I don't know how yours are personality wise but our youngest would be mad but of the 2, he would adjust the easiest. He is just an easier going kid. The older one has a terrific bark but not much bite. He will back down but he will go out of his way to make everyone else as miserable as he perceives himself to be. LOL. I call him the Drama King.

    Kids are kids and that means they are out for themselves much of the time. Yes, we have tended to give them a lot more leeway because of what they have been through. Right or wrong? Neither, it just is what it is. It's kind of hard to be tough on an 8 and 11 year old when they just lost their Dad. We make excuses for their behaviors and when the behaviors escalate we seek appropriate professional help. We've been down that road and have done the best that we can do.

    I know that mine are going to be 'challenging' for the months following their notification of the move. I am expecting it. If they weren't I'd honestly think something was really wrong! I am hopeful that once they have the summer to settle in before starting school that once school starts things will be somewhat settled. I hope.

    In the coming months it may be me on here pulling my hair out!

  5. pI just read your comment about the leasing company. Holy crap! That is nothing to sneeze at. Everything will happen as it is supposed to happen. 6 months may make all the difference. It certainly gives everyone involved ample notice.

  6. Kelly -
    We have been dealing similarly with the boys and mine have personalities like yours. The youngest would be mad about moving but would probably adapt better and may even enjoy having the attention as an only child. Yes, I have been there being more lenient because what the boys have gone through - for goodness sakes, their Dad has really been out of their life now since they were 8 and 9 and he got really sick.

    About the leasing company - as I look back on this whole situation I just think and deeply feel that there were too many hurdles to get through. We still had to figure out what to do with everything in my apartment! The boys were just one of those hurdles and the one I was most focused on.

    It is hard now to realize what a gem Sam has been and how blinded I have been to his care for me and the boys because I've been so consumed with my own stuff! I hope I can make it up to him.

    And I hope I can be there for you in the days ahead if you need it. Thanks for everything you've been kind enough to send my way!

  7. WOW--Sam is certainly an upstanding guy. I can tell he is looking forward and wanting to start your life together in the best possible way. A lot of guys wouldn't want to be bothered with a woman who had teen aged kids--Sam sounds like a keeper to me.

  8. Jude - Yes, I am finding out just how much of a Wow guy Sam is!