Wednesday, August 12, 2009

More Living, Less Grieving

I started blogging as a way to process my grief and to comment on my life as a middle-aged widow who'd gotten remarried but was getting divorced and as such was going back to her widowed status. Because of a number of difficult and tragic circumstances after my first husband's death, I did not have much of an opportunity to mourn his passing when I should have, five-six years ago. This blog let me accomplish some of that delayed grieving and has also let me spout on issues I think the general public needs to be aware of (such as the fact that you don't get over grief; how tough it is to be an "only" parent; the loneliness and isolation of widowhood, etc.).

When I started blogging on Jan. 1, I hoped to connect with other widows and I figured if my efforts ended up helping even one other widow or widower in some small way, it would be worth it. I think that some people out there have gained from my words and I know that I have found much comfort in the comments, wisdom, support and advice of others. Today I read a post from a widow still new in her grief at just the year anniversary mark. But what she wrote and reflected upon had an immense impact on me. That is the beauty of this community. To be supported and gain new perspective.

What she wrote about was finding some peace in her progress at this point to not dwell so much on the pain of her loss but to focus more on the living from this point forward. She so eloquently said that she can now focus more on her husband being a part of her life and an ongoing presence rather than not being present. I was so touched and blown away by this fresh insight. I mulled it over and began to see the connections to my own life. I am still so grieving the end of my marriage to my second husband. But like death, he isn't part of my life anymore. He is gone. My continual focus and grief over this loss prevents me from focusing on the people here in my life right now - those who have not abandoned me and are interactive with me in my day-to-day affairs. That would include my boys and the small circle of friends I have cultivated.

Reading this lovely and perceptive post today gave me much to reflect on. I need to start transferring some of my grief into the present and I can do that by concentrating my thoughts and actions toward the people in my life now. It is probably time to do this. A year has passed since that fateful day last July 7 when my husband told me he had refiled the divorce and then hung up on me, not to talk with me until I next saw him in court on Oct. 30.

The other direction this took me to was that I need to concentrate more on what I have in my life and not what is lacking in it. So that will become a new focus of mine starting today.

When we compose and send a post we have no idea of the impact it may have on those it reaches.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all of those who have read and responded to my blog.
2. For the wisdom I have gained from the posts of others.
3. For sticking with this blog because it has served me in ways I never could have first believed.
4. For the widow/widower blogging community which has made me feel less isolated and crazy.
5. For the continued beautiful summer weather.

Today I Have:

1. Two wonderful, beautiful young men as my children.
2. A roof over our heads.
3. Enough food and clothing (not to mention makeup, purses, trinkets and other frivolities).
4. A computer.
5. Supportive friends either a phone call away or down the street from me.

1 comment:

  1. WitM: What a wonderful, positive post. As you say, we never know what words we utter that might just help someone else, and that very fact of itself makes this entire, rather strange blogging business worthwhile.
    I've had a few days away from my computer, and finding your post here was such a boost. Thank you.
    We all have such different lives, but we are all joined together by a shared sadness - so it is wonderful to be able to share the positive steps we all make in our lives as well.
    J xxx