Tuesday, March 16, 2010

On the Mend a Little Bit

I am on the mend but still not 100%. What I am finding is that while I'm ill, my mood and optimism seem to have plummeted too. So right now along with being sick, I am down and out. I am telling myself that this is okay. I need to concentrate on getting better and forget all those plans to go out and conquer the world. There is a lot of sadness though about there not being someone here to provide a little nurturing. I really believed that by this time I would have long been remarried and reestablished in a "normal" life again. I had so hoped that my sons would have had a prominent and caring male figure in their lives. Part of me cannot believe that the relationships I've entered into since my husband died ended up causing me a whole lot more pain. But why am I even thinking of this stuff? I guess being so under the weather and on my own having to battle it brings forth these thoughts and longings.

Maybe being sick causes us to feel even more vulnerable and helpless than we normally do. Everyday there is such a fight to hang in there emotionally. Now another layer is added - that of fighting to regain physical strength. I am very tired, weak and drawn out right now. Part of me wants to just stay down here in the muck and grime because I don't seem to have much energy or desire to have at it again. Some old ghosts have come to pay a visit - the ghosts of my old house, my divorce, the life I used to have. I could sure use a real person in the flesh and blood right now to drop on by - not one of these old memories. Is this what they mean by the saying "Misery Loves Company?"

1 comment:

  1. It is easier to dwell on things when you are down with an illness. I was sick a lot in the year following my first husband's death and found the same thing.

    I really believe that sometimes we place ourselves on unrealistic schedules. Have to achieve this or that milestone by such and such a time or we have failed. You only fail when you give up on something that is dear to you completely, right?

    I am sorry you've been hit by the flu. I was bedridden for a week with it in November. Awful. Do watch for secondary infection b/c it's very common this flu season it seems and you don't need that.