Friday, December 31, 2010

Drowning My Sorrows

Today, some of my previous euphoria at having gone to the knitting club on Wednesday evening dissipated. My oldest son is grouching about the van being out of commission and sent me a text at work today that he tried starting it again and the battery just died - this was after I filled it with one of those portable gas cans. "We are screwed!" he informed me. That just about killed my internal mood the rest of the day at work. I've worked the lunch hour all week and it has been very busy on account of the holiday and people being off of work and families visiting and so forth. I have been tired standing the five hours on my feet.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with the van. My little sedan still needs the $600.00 work on it that I've put off since September. When I drive it, it sounds like I'm in a truck but I've gotten used to it and have just tried to grin and bear it. I still have to get my son to Springfield for the talent contest in mid-January besides (another worry). Only having the one vehicle makes it difficult for my son to get to work after school (I can pick him up in the evening) and over Christmas break he has been walking to and fro. Not bad when the weather is mild but a mile and a half walk in snow, bitter cold and ice isn't pleasant (especially with a backpack of school books).

The other damper on the new year is that working this new job means my income kicks me up out of the bracket for eligibility for health insurance provided by the state. So if I keep working this job, I'll actually be worse off because I'll need to pay out of pocket for health insurance and it will cost me more than I'm making. So we will even be further in the hole! The cost of health insurance for my family has ranged from $500-$600 when I have had to pay for it out of pocket and that doesn't even include the co-pays.

I am so sick of this life. Just trying to get by. Single/only parents are really hit hard. I understand why it is better for some people not to work. As it is, how does working this job help me right now if I'm tired and drained afterward and not making any progress because all my income now has to go toward health insurance coverage? Instead of being able to dig myself out of our hole, I just keep digging myself down deeper!

What is so desperately needed in our country is affordable health insurance for everyone! Especially those most in need, single/only parents raising children on reduced incomes. The only thing that will save me here is getting a full-time job with benefits. All these part-time jobs just end up leaving me without benefits and put me in an income bracket that doesn't allow me any type of assistance. It is so discouraging to be stuck in this hole and not seeing an easy way to dig out. As it is, we just have enough to barely make it much less have anything left over for car repairs.

So I am somewhat down and wanting to drown my sorrows in drink since it is New Year's Eve after all. My apartment friends have invited me out to a sports bar tonight for a drink or two. I wish I could get tipsy so I could forget the worries and troubles weighing on my soul. But I only have $10.00 and that will probably only cover two drinks. I'll have to make the most of them.


  1. I do understand what you are going through. I am sorry that I haven't written. The holidays was the last thing I needed this year, but how could I stopped them? I have been extremely depressed, and haven't felt like talking/writing to anyone. On New Year's Eve, I took all the Christmas stuff done, and that made me feel better. It was like getting past the hard stuff, and looking toward the future. I sure do understand about the insurance woes. I have a similar situation with a lack of help, and expectation of hundreds of dollars a month going to paying my children's health insurance. It makes you wonder why should you even try, as soon as you do someone wants to take it all away from you. It makes me crazy. I don't know what 2011 is going to bring, and to be honest, I don't really care right now. Do I think it is going to be wonderful? No, I am not ready for wonderful yet. Livable, I could handle. Please hang in there, and I will do my best just hanging on. God bless!!!

  2. Jeanne - I am so sorry to hear that the holidays were rough for you. I have been there the past few years and this was the first Christmas in many that actually was tolerable in many ways. I think there are times that we are down and out and that is where we are just going to be. To try and talk someone out of that place is fruitless. But I do hope that as the year unfolds your mood and hope improve. Sometimes it takes a while. I know there aren't any magic wands. But it DOES help to be able to reach out to someone and vent, even if it is only via an online blog comment. Please drop by anytime - I will listen as will others and we'll do the best we can to keep traveling this road together, spirits touching across the miles.