Saturday, March 26, 2011


Drove to the ethnic grocery store where I can get good deals on fruit and bakery items. Ahead of me in the parking lot, a pile of paper was churning around in the air in front of the stop sign. Immediately I felt a connection with the mess of paper, which I related to the turmoil going on inside myself and the need for it to STOP. At that point I also realized that the reason for my mood plunge may be the fact that I've had to switch meds because I lost my insurance through the state plan. Reason being that my oldest turned 18 and as such, is no longer considered a minor under my care. So my income was recalculated and I did not qualify for coverage, although both my sons will continue to be covered until they turn 19.

Now this is all crazy. Because how are kids at the tender age of 19 supposed to be able to support themselves and provide themselves with insurance, especially if they are in school full time? I can also attest to the fact that at my income level health insurance is almost impossible to afford. Working in retail and at a restaurant, I can also relate that these establishments keep a tight lid on employee hours specifically to keep them from qualifying for insurance benefits. That is why I am so eager to get a better job and to possibly remarry.

I did scramble and was able to obtain health insurance coverage for myself through my pension plan at the tune of $187.00 a month, which is actually pretty reasonable. Although the coverage is effective as of March 1, I still have not received an insurance card. It would cost me over $800.00 a month to cover my sons under a family plan.

I ran out of medication and found that the anti-depressant would cost over $100.00 to refill and the blood pressure pills about $84.00. So my doctor prescribed new meds under the $4.00 medication list from Walmart. Only problem, anti-depressants take a number of weeks to kick in. So now I do feel a drop in mood and my mental stability. And it doesn't help that I'm experiencing a huge bout of PMS this month too.

Stability. That is really what I long for at this point. A stable life and a stable mood. Widowhood can be chaotic and unstable. I want an easier and more predictable life. Not one where I have to scramble for insurance coverage and then deal with the ups and downs of changing medications. I know I sound like a broken record but I see widowhood and only parenting as a see saw. When there is a partner on the other seat, the see saw can be balanced. But with only one rider, the see saw is impossible to balance.

That blowing around garbage was a good visual metaphor for how I feel right now. Make the instability STOP please. Let me feel and live on an even keel. Please send me some balance. With balance comes peace, hope and contentment. It is just so hard to keep balancing everything by myself.

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