Thursday, February 26, 2009

No longer able to hide from reality

The dust has settled and the grim reality set in. Today I am working at clearing out the bags of items from my parent's house (that I brought home out of a large storage shed to save on the storage fee). My thoughts are centered on how much my little family has had to deal with the past five years. We have just been hit with disaster after disaster. When you're in the middle of fighting fires you don't fully recognize the devastation that remains. Now that I am no longer consumed with the divorce/mediation I see the full mess we have landed in. Financially, I do not know how we are going to recover from this. I have made a consultation appointment with a bankruptcy attorney because at this point I need to explore all my options. There is just not enough money to go around and I do not know how long I will remain unemployed.

I have been negligent in facing reality the past months but no more. Such time I wasted obsessing over an ex who fully was aware of the challenges we faced and didn't/doesn't care. Now that I can fully comprehend how unfeeling he is/has been I am more than ready to close that door of my life and start embracing this new one without him. Granted, it is very daunting and terribly scary to face right now but I refuse to obsess any more over what ifs and if onlys.

Filing for bankruptcy is really the least of my worries - there are so many other challenges on my plate right now. Just moving on, finding a job, helping the boys adjust, probably getting the house ready to list, sorting through my parent's crap. It is time to get down to business. I have to be strong.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I am facing the truth even though it is probably the scariest thing I have ever had to do on my own.
2. That I recognize that it is time to move on.
3. That I believe that life will improve.


  1. Isn’t it amazing how we can be so down one day, and so ready to get up and get moving another? I wish I knew the secret. I guess we just take it as it comes! Way to go! And if you aren’t so enthused about it tomorrow, a day like this one will come again. Grief isn’t a linear cycle, it generally circles back on it’s self. But the sun will shine again!

  2. This is a very good observation. When I am really down, I forget all the days where I felt hopeful. Likewise, when I am feeling more positive and focused, I forget that those bad days will probably rear their ugly heads for another round. It is good to remember that some days will be better than others and not to fee totally defeated when a bad one pops up again.