Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Wanting To Be A Hibernating Bear

I am having a rough time - continuing to doubt my decision about moving. The boys' pain and grief is tearing me up inside. We've already suffered so much. Why do have to continue to endure change and challenge? It is hard to focus on the good that will come of this because it is in the future and the boys are so miserable right now. I cannot bear to see them suffer.

I am experiencing all those miserable symptoms of early grief - sobbing, not wanting to get up out of bed, hopelessness, tiredness, depression, not eating, feeling sick to my stomach, inactivity, loss of interest, helplessness and I'll be honest in admitting even wanting to die.

It is very cold here and the weather is not helping. I want to become a bear and just hibernate in a cave until the Spring thaw. But of course I need to somehow pull this all together and be there for the boys even though they are not speaking to me.

My sons want me to at least try and make a go of it back home on my own so they can finish at their old high school. But what they don't and can't understand is that I am tapped out of the strength and energy to do that. Although they told me I should muster it up because that is my job as a mother.

This pain is worse than what I felt when my husband died and then when I got divorced. I was helpless in preventing the death and had no control of changing my second husband's mind. But making the decision to move is within my power and to a degree I am responsible for the agony of my sons. Even though I made the decision trying to rationalize the overall eventual good for the family as a whole.


  1. i understand your sons' pain. i also see they very clearly articulate your job as they've termed it. however, i wonder if they realize that they too have a job. and that is to trust you, to help you, to grow up a little bit and face the circumstances of their life and the choices/sacrifices you've made to keep them safe. so many other children have it so much worse. i know they may not be able to visualize it but some children are threatened with physical abuse and are forced to watch their mothers deflect a blow onto herself to save them. some watch their mothers plot and plan to get them all away from the man and the money that traps them.

    it's a soapbox, i know. also probably a pipe dream of mine for you. the only thing i know of your circumstance is what you write. so all i know is that your write of your sons' frequent complaints about how bad it is for them. and for that i'm truly sorry, but i was once a SPED aide in a school and i saw a lot of what children have to endure. yours have it no worse than a great many others who grow up fast and truly comprehend and appreciate the sacrifices their moms or dads make for them. they pitch in and do all they can to help keep the family together. and that was in elementary school.

    i just wish this for you so that your life is not so very hard.

  2. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sons. I know this is the hardest time, but know that many people are thinking of you and wishing you better times.
    I'm wondering if you aren't suffering from the kind of depression that could be alleviated somewhat with medication. I say that because that happened to me several months before my husband died. I started on meds and it made a huge difference--not in what happened but in my ability to hold myself together. I hope you aren't offended by this suggestion, but I worry about you and want you to feel better.

  3. wNs - I have been thinking a great deal about my relationship with my sons and believe that after my husband's death, I became somewhat obsessed at protecting them from any type of hardship. This may be because I had a sad and difficult childhood. But in my mind, there can be nothing worse than having a parent die as a youngster. Maybe that has been a mistake. All I want is for my sons to not have to suffer more than they already have.

    Thelma - Thank you for your suggestion. I did not take meds when my husband died, but did for a very short while when my second husband filed for divorce (2 months). I have considered whether I should go back to them now. Severe depression runs in my family among the females.