Sunday, December 27, 2009

I Don't Want to Hurt Anymore

All through this holiday season I have been not sleeping well and waking up with a migraine. The first thing I do upon arising, is pop some Xanax and migraine medicine. Obviously, this cannot go on. (And I only have four Xanax left anyway). I took a few days off forcing myself to not think about moving but have to now face reality. Hopefully, blogging my thoughts and emotions about this issue will bring some perspective and clarity.

The winter weather has also been throwing me for a loop. I hate it with such an intensity it almost scares me! I so wish I could look at the big fluffy flakes coming down even now with some sort of wonder. But all I see is treachery and danger. If the van skids and we even have a minor fender-bender I do not have the funds for repairs. I drive so cautiously - there is a pit in my stomach constantly because sometimes there is nothing you can do and an accident is caused by another driver. The cold and unsunny days do not help. I feel down and gloomy because I need sun and the brightness and hope it brings.

My girlfriend got another vehicle from her dad. He got her their van some years back. Now he gave them an older model car for the kids to use. My other girlfriend also got a vehicle from her father. Both of my friends are divorced and hold decent paying jobs. I struggle with jealousy and resentment that I ended up with a family unable and unwilling to provide even a smidgen of emotional support. My second husband also gave generously to his older divorced sister making $60,000 a year and receiving child support from her attorney ex-husband besides. I remember being amazed at this! And here I am a widowed Mom truly believing that if we wind up on the street, no one out there will give a damn!

I am angry and bitter that we've had to bear more than our share of hardship and grief. Becoming a widow at age 44 and being left on one's own to raise two boys is and should have been enough. But to have had to face family of origin issues, a child diagnosed with a serious heart condition, a divorce. loss of home and extreme financial issues besides has made it more than I can bear.

That is part of the reason I do not want to move. It would help enormously from a financial standpoint but part of my resistance comes from the fact that this would end up being yet another loss and at this point I am being stubborn and saying to the world, "No, I can't take anymore!"

Part of my attitude is crazy and immature. I am involved with a good, kind, caring, patient, decent guy whom I am strongly certain would make a suitable life partner. When we became involved I was adamant that I only see or date men from the area. I did not want to relocate. So what kind of cruel twist of fate is it that Sam lost his job related to the Recession and ends up taking the first and only position offered to him out of state?

Part of me is upset that he was thinking of saving himself financially and being closer to his son, who also moved out of state with the ex-wife over the summer. Sam insists there were no other options in regard to his taking this job and moving. He claims he was on the verge of being unable to pay his mortgage so he could not move in with me and keep looking for work here in Illinois. But despite these realities, I don't feel there was much consideration made for the ramifications of a move out of state for my sons, currently in their second and third years of high school here and very much entrenched and comfortable in their lives. That is about all we have had to rely on and count on these past years - a strong connection within our community and school. And now if we move, it will be losing a part of us that has been what has sustained us the most over the last few difficult years.

I am going to be honest and get out my next thoughts openly and honestly but they are whiny and petty. I don't like the town Sam has moved to. It is ugly and industrial and working-class. Now I know deep down this doesn't really matter. The people who live inside the houses are what count and so far everyone we've met in the town is extremely down to earth and nice. But I am mad at the world for the curve balls it keeps sending me. If you want us to move, fine but could it at least be a cute little town? And why of all possible situations could this move involve the boys having to go from a semester format to a trimester one in the school district? Talk about complications and difficulties.

The boys are not matched up academically to their courses and will lose credits and possibly fail some of their classes. That means they will not be able to play any sports the last years of high school and sports is what has sustained them since their Dad's death.

I am furious that life continues to throw us challenges. Why couldn't I have met a nice and decent guy who still lives here? Why does the right one have to move away? Does that mean he is no longer the right one? Will I ever find another man that can even come close to Sam if I let him go because I don't/can't move right now?

What do I want? I want to be remarried here. I want to get my sons through high school and started in college. I know the system here and the local colleges. In the other state I am clueless and not sure how to navigate the system. I should be grateful and relieved that I have luckily met someone I am compatible with. I have read many blogs where the writers bemoan that they're aren't any decent guys out there. And here I am almost on the verge of throwing one away because of my fears and inability to face more loss and challenges.

Yet if I stay the challenges remain and may even intensify. I worry on a daily basis about not being able to properly provide for my sons (basic necessities much less college). I need to find a job but am afraid that it might take longer than anticipated. I sit for the state CNA certification exam on 1/16. What if I don't pass it? We will face homelessness if I don't find a job soon. Even this month I will be forced to go to a food pantry because there is not enough money for food.

I don't want to end up alone and bitter and resentful because I am on my own. But I don't even have the energy to date or go out. I've been in a long-term serious relationship for almost two years now and it has provided me with support and consistency. Just not marriage. I don't want this relationship with Sam to end but I know he doesn't want to sustain a long-distance one.

What happens when both options are not what you really want? None is the perfect fit or truly right? I suppose the next step is to list the pros and cons of each. Both have their drawbacks. Both have some positives. But the main thing is that they both involve major losses and that is what I am trying to avoid at all cost. I can't go anywhere near more grief and pain. That is what is mainly causing me this distress and agony. More later. For now I have gotten some of it out and I'll take it from there.


  1. oh wow, I really don't know what to say, except perhaps sit down with Sam and see if it's possible for all of you to move to a cuter place very near where he currently has relocated to ... and the schools etc will probably then be better, with sports????

    Maybe do some research, hard facts and figures prepared. Speak to a realtor, to see what you can buy in cute town for comparable money ... commute times, school info etc etc ... and likelihood of you finding employment there?

    That's how I'd approach it, as an exploratory conversation, rather than an ultimatum.

    I understand your worries, and feel for you, I really do.

    Rock and a hard place ...

    Boo xx

  2. Boo has some good suggestions. They all revolve around one answer. An answer, that if you read very carefully through your own words you will find for yourself.

    The one thing I miss more than anything since my husband died is unconditional love. Knowing for sure that another human being loves you beyond measure, will support you and always do what is right by you. For some, they find that in their own families. We are not so fortunate. It does seem that Sam does love you unconditionally. He will be there to do all of the above not just for you but for your boys. He loves your boys too. That is huge. Will this move be difficult? You bet. Will it eventually settle down into a life that is financially more secure and filled with love? It would seem so. Children thrive on love and security. How secure will the boys be if you remain so they can keep their school but go hungry or God forbid become homeless? I can see these stressors effecting them academically as well as emotionally.

    You stated in a previous post that one of your sons, the one who had the concert, was chit chatting with the other kids on the stage prior to the performance. Sounds to me like he is adapting. Now, will he want you to know he is adapting if he thinks there is even the slightest chance you will move them back? What do you think? My boys have done this same type of behavior over the past year. They are going to be moving again, out of necessity, at the end of this school year. Do I think it will all start again? Yes. But it will also die down eventually as they settle into a new routine. Do we hate moving them again, making them make new friends a second time since their Dad died? Of course, but it is what is best for the family as a whole financially. Things will be able to improve all around if they move. In the long run, things like where is the next meal coming from and can I pay the rent will become a thing of the past and will no longer stress the entire family. Maybe just maybe, a meal at McDonald's can occur once in a while again. If they stay, it will not. There will be less and less. So, they are moving, again.

    It's ok to have to do this AND be angry about it. I think that after you have committed yourself to moving and staying moved you will find that slowly things get better. You will learn the new system (your are an incredibly smart woman) and colleges all work the same from state to state, it's a uniformed system. When the time comes I will be happy to help you navigate all that having just graduated a daughter.

    I have no doubt that you will make the right decision for you and the boys. You may not LIKE the decision at the moment but you will come to a point in time where you will be glad you did it. Life has been anything but fair to you. You have had to face more lessons in a short span of time than most face in an entire lifetime. BTW, I think you've done incredibly well up to now. Look how much you help me just by writing what your feeling. Hang in there.

  3. Boo - I kid you not, there are no cute little homes in this town. We got the best of what was available and it is just minutes from the high school so it will have to do. I keep trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter where or what kind of house you live in as long as there is love inside! Also, after both of us having had to make moves so recently, we just can't afford it again. Oh, well. Sam says he does not want to live in the new town forever, just for a year or two. Maybe the economy will have improved by then and we can move back to Illinois/Chicagoland?

    Kelly - I'm not sure you will read this but if you do I would sure appreciate knowing more about the boys having to move. When was the decision reached? How far will they be from you? What were the financial reasons involved? I understand if there are some things you won't be able to say but it would sure help me to know of someone else's story and situation. It just makes one feel not so alone when knowing that others have had to deal with this too. Thank you.