Tuesday, June 30, 2009


When my husband was dying, I cried all day for a month straight! I would arrive at the hospital around 9:00 a.m. and the tears would begin streaming soundlessly down my face when I hit the lobby area. They would continue to fall as I spoke with doctors and nurses (no one ever said a word about them). Then, when it was time for me to leave the hospital at 5:00 p.m. to pick the boys up from their after school program, the tears would magically stop as soon as I went down the elevator and reached the main floor lobby again.

I remember being amazed that I could cry so much - that my body could contain so many tears! I couldn't stop or control them - they just flowed from my eyes. Yet during the funeral and memorial services, I didn't cry much.

I am crying a lot now as I mourn the loss of my home. The tears are again coming out of no where at unpredictable times. I again can't seem to control them although I do get through my work shifts without crying. Maybe tears will well up a bit in my eyes, but I'm able to restrain them.

Right now my emotions consist of shame, mourning and fear. I am ashamed to be in foreclosure. Even though the situation involves the death of my husband, current economic conditions and other matters, I still look at myself as a failure for somehow not being able to save the house. I am deeply upset to be losing my home which has been the one remaining symbol of security/stability in my life since my husband's death. And I am afraid of what the future holds - I don't know where we will be living. Sometimes when I am crying, I don't know the specific reason except that it is somehow tied into this new loss.

I am also aware that some of my tears also are from pity and sadness that I don't have someone to lean on through this. That it is an ordeal I have to face on my own while being strong and a parent to the boys. It is a hard burden to bear.

Today I am grateful:

1. For lush forest preserves.
2. For the four changing seasons.
3. For stormy weather which has a beauty of its own.
4. For orange tiger lily flowers.
5. For all the magnificent colors of nature - the blue of the sky, green of the grass, yellow of the sun, white of the clouds, red, orange, purple of the flowers, brown of the soil, black of the night, grey of the twilight.


  1. You are not a failure - you are a survivor. Other people would not be doing half as well as you are, despite your circumstances. I can tell by your writing that you are a good mom, loving daughter and wife, and a good person. I am inspired by your strength and perseverence.


  2. Hugs and kind words are always accepted and appreciated! I have tried to be a good mom, wife, daughter, friend and person - I've made some mistakes but I've always really tried to do my best.
    I think this is like those times in school where you'd get an A for effort but your grade was only a C!
    I believe that I've only done the best I can within some pretty tough circumstances.
    Thank you for writing and sending encouragement.