Moonlit Walk

Took my walk a little later than I normally do and was surprised by how early it got dark. Saw the lights twinkling in people's homes and imagined couples and families greeting one another with something warm and cozy on the stove. My walk was quiet, sad and reflective. I cut it short because I started to get spooked out as the moon rose higher and the night got darker - I didn't feel safe out in the woods by myself.

It is not that I feel lonely. Just that I feel alone. Looking back now on my months of blogging and 400 some entries, I would say that the reason I do so is to be heard. To tell someone my story, my feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. There aren't many people in my life who really listen or care and I guess in the end, that is what I am most seeking. To have interactions with people who want to listen, who care, who are interested and to whom I matter. Many days I feel that if I simply disappeared, the only ones affected would be my two sons. And I want to matter to someone else. I want to feel the connection again that I had with my husband. I also want to help another human being feel important, nurtured and loved. To know with certainty that there is someone in the world to come home to who'll be waiting with open arms of acceptance.

Seven years ago I would never have imagined the intensity of feeling alone or how draining that aspect of widowhood is. To want something more in terms of a personal relationship but to have it elude you can be a hard reality to accept at times.

Tonight both my sons are at home as football is over and they are playing a sports video game together that my youngest bought with his job earnings today. They haven't had an operating game system in a year and have missed it. Today's purchase was a used 360. They are happy with the novelty of the game and it is peaceful and quiet. And I get time to myself on the computer. There is a pizza and some cake for dinner, along with ice cream. I am indulging in a rare glass of wine. I am trying to be mellow and to think ahead to a time when I will be able to talk in person with someone who cares about my story and will listen without judgment.

The Sameness of Days

I think most of our days are ordinary and filled with the dull job of simply living ordinary lives. Special days like Christmas, birthdays, births, death, the radiant changing leaves and blossoming flowers only come once a year. I used to want Christmas to be all year long because people are in better moods but then I realized that if we had the holidays all year, they would no longer be special. These events become special because they are rare and we need to really treasure them as such when we are living through them.

It is up to us to find contentment (the word I'd rather use than happiness) in our day-to-day lives. Some years back, before widowhood, I read the suggestion to find joy while doing the dishes. I totally scoffed at the notion. Then in grad school I had a wise professor who used to always say that the best part of life was in the process, not the end result. The process or what we are going through ends up being ultimately more valuable. She was referring to our education vs. the degree and again I couldn't really understand what she meant.

I do get it now. Maybe having been widowed and now as someone who has lived up to middle age. But I see that it has to do with valuing all of our days and not just the ones off in the future that we think are most special - weddings, graduations, school dances, vacations. Our lives are made up of a whole lot more ordinary days than special ones. Filled with a lot more drudgery like doing dishes than going off on the town.

How does all this relate to widowhood and life? I guess I'm just trying to do the best I can even under strife and difficulty to be more fully present in the here and now. To appreciate every day and to make the smallest moments count.

Fragility

There is a tree I see on my path during my nature walks. It has caught my eye because it is a broken tree, cracked in half. Yet at the sight of the break, new shoots have sprouted and grown.

I see this tree as a metaphor or symbol of widowhood. I was struck down and became broken. Yet had to go on with new sprouts that emerged and took root from my brokenness.

What always strikes me is how fragile, new and young these shoots look against the strong main trunk of the tree. That has gotten me to thinking about how fragile we all are in our positions. Yet why is there sometimes this assumption that our loss and losses have made us stronger? You hear it in the phrases "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle."

In my opinion, grief and loss hasn't toughened me up or made me stronger. Most days, I feel like these new tree shoots - fragile, weak, tentative, growing. Definitely not who I was once before.

I'm humbly amazed passing by this tree. Looking at these new shoots which are now their own branches coming from a tree struck down and fallen, yet still reaching for the sky. And I'm reminded of how fragile life can be, how fragile we can be. There is a necessity for us to be kind, compassionate and nurturing to ourselves. These poor shoots came up on their own taking root out in nature and surviving. There is a need for us to nurture ourselves through the growth that comes after loss. To see ourselves as fragile and new, not strong and hardy. We've been struck down and are still fragile as we continue to live on past our loss.

Nature Walks

Find Beauty in the Mundane and Joy in the Ordinary!

Be surprised by the hidden colors waiting for your glance of wonder and delight!

I have started taking photos on my daily nature walks. Those daily half-hour walks are helping keep me sane! Thank goodness the weather will be mild next week.

Yeah for me! I've figured out how to use my camera phone but did need help from my youngest in getting these photos onto the blog. But some technical progress!

Round and Round She Goes

I wish it were all easier. I feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not finding entry level jobs, nor higher level jobs. Where are the ones that would fit me right now? Those in the middle? I'm apparently not qualified enough for the more professional jobs and yet when I see who is working at the entry level ones, it is clear that I don't fit in there at all. I applied for two positions at the local grocery store. No interest in me, even with my Big Box Store experience. When I shopped there the other day, there were three middle-aged cashiers gabbing, waiting on no one and the one at my register didn't start waiting on me until they stopped chatting. I just stood there waiting to see how long it would take and didn't say a word. So here is who is working there and someone like me who jumped on taking care of customers gets passed over. Very frustrating!

A couple of weeks after my husband died, I was in the grocery store reaching for some pears. And a quite elderly woman's hand brushed against mine. She had come to the store from the retirement home and I remember thinking to myself, I am sure this woman is a widow. And yet, here am I a widow also, at age 44, probably 40 years her junior. That is the first time I referred to myself as Widow in the Middle. I wasn't an widow as she was but nor was I a widow with little babies, a young widow.

Now I don't even know where I fit in. Certainly no longer in this community of intact families. I have sadly learned that a community doesn't make a home no matter how quaint and pretty it is if you're lonely and have no one to share life with. I've stayed here for the boys and high school but at this point am ready to relocate. Living here is a hindrance for me. I understand now why people say it can be a good thing to move and start over fresh in a new location.

I have never disclosed the real reason I plunged into a deep depression at the end of the summer. I found out that my Master's degree qualifications to sit for counseling licensing in my state were changed about two years ago. They increased the number of hours in the Master's program and I don't have enough to sit for the license. So in a way, my MA is worthless at least from the perspective of being a licensed professional counselor in Illinois. This absolutely devastated me.

Now my mood is more stable and the dust has settled. I will have to use my Master's in Psych/Counseling as a launching point into a new career. I suppose I can find a social services job in the field but with all the managed care requirements for payment, they want licensed professionals. I doubt I'll find work as a counselor since I am not license eligible. Very distressing.

Having gone to all these financial aid meetings for my son going on to college, I am considering going back to school myself for some job retraining. A program just at the community college level - maybe the Library Aide or something in health care management. I don't know what else to do to progress so I can make somewhat of a decent living for myself and my sons.

What also upset me in the past months is the disconnect I have felt with Sam - we haven't seen one another since mid-August and a main issue between us is his inability to commit to some sort of exclusive relationship status. I am tired of that and want more. I deserve better. Widowhood is hard enough than to be dealing with a guyfriend not on the same page in regard to what the definition of a relationship is. I haven't given up on Sam because he still means something to me but I am discouraged.

I've already experienced a lot of ambiguity these past few years and to be in an "undefined" relationship, without work, on my own stumbling along here makes me long for some part of my life that is defined, known and predictable. I know none of us really know where we will be tomorrow. Nothing is ever a given. But I want to know that I have a decent job/career, a kind man in my life who loves and respects me and our relationship and I want to know that I'm headed out of this pit of uncertainty. I want to laugh more and feel joy (real joy) in my heart again. I want to have a man buy be a cup of tea or glass of wine and be interested in what I have to say (truly). I want to be of value to an employer again and to have my financial burdens eased.

All these steps I'm taking just to keep on living and going on and yet I only seem to be turning around in circles.

Husbands and Scarves

I subscribe to a couple daily crafting email newsletters that offer free patterns and I enjoy receiving them and browsing the creative possibilities. The other day, the following message from the editor was this: "Nothing makes me feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a knit garment (Sorry, Husband)." I'd like to rewrite that comment to: "Nothing makes ME feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a husband (Sorry, Scarf!)."

Well, what can you say to that comment? I suppose it is meant as a cute little joke and the married women can all smile and nod together. I've knit myself a really nice soft multi-toned scarf in autumn colors, a great rib pattern and last week knit the one for my oldest son's girlfriend. As much as I dearly love knitting and the products that I end up from just a ball of yarn and two sticks (I still am amazed at this), there is no comparison to a warn blooded decent guy sleeping next to me in bed. That is what makes me feel comfortable, cozy and safe. Forget the scarves! Oh, well! To have both the husband and the scarf, now that would really be comfort, coziness and safety!

I solved my dilemma about not having a project with me when having to wait at events by taking the time to come up with a simple project to keep in my purse. Now I'll never have to feel envious of other moms knitting away because I've been too busy or rushed to grab my project before "running" out the door. This is a simple k1, p1 rib in a lovely shade of Kiwi wool that I'll add flowers to in bright colors of orange, pink and red. So a little bit of planning solved that issue. And since putting it in my purse, I've yet had an opportunity to work on it - but I know it is there and I'll keep it with me all winter if need be, since it can also be worn in early spring if it takes that long to complete!

There is a Lion Brand scarf pattern that I have seen that is super long and I'm kind of motivated to craft it as a sign to the Universe to send that great, decent guy over my way. The scarf is so long it can be shared between two people. How cute! There is another cute pattern I've seen of a sweater knit for two people to wear at once and I've always thought that if I remarry that would be fun to wear but I have my doubts that a guy would go for my sense of creativity and humor. I've had the nice wedding at the hotel and the big church extravaganza. Next time I'd love something fun and very different - Vegas wearing the sweater and scarf for two!

3 x 10 = 30

I am making the effort to try and stay focused and more positive this month, now that my gloomy month of annual anniversaries has passed. Although today is the anniversary of my husband's funeral and the 7th was his memorial service.

1. I need to be more proactive in finding some kind of new job. I've been out there pounding the pavement but nothing has come through. I'll take a store sales job just to bring in some extra funds for the holidays right now.

2. I am still dealing or trying to deal with the aftermath of moving and all the storage shed crap. So many boxes, bags, totes and baskets of stuff to go through. Recipe for disaster - moving from large five bedroom home into small two bedroom apartment. On the bright side, I figure I am doing what would need to be done when moving into a retirement home, so I am accomplishing all of this a few years ahead of time and saving my sons the aggravation besides of having to face it!

So on that note I am trying to give/donate 10 things a day away this month. And throw away/recycle 10 things as well. And to get through 10 of my craft magazines daily since they seem to take over the bookshelves. I'd like to tear out any patterns that inspire me and file them, then pass on the other patterns to others who may use them.

10 x 3 = 30. 30 x 7 = 210. 210 x 4 -= 840. Wouldn't that be great to have reduced my "stuff" by that number by the end of the month! What a gift to start Christmas with and the new year/new life!

3. I'd like to knit/crochet some Christmas ornaments so the boys and I can decorate a small tree this year. And to keep costs down I'd like to occupy my hands by creating my own decorations. We'll see how that goes. I need to come up with some kind of theme and so far nothing is hitting me. Snowflakes with blue baubles? Birds and hearts? Felted apples? Old-fashioned toys? Whatever it ends up being it'll need to be quick and easy and I need to be able to use whatever stash yarn I have on hand. Maybe something really different like a hot pink themed tree? It would also be fun to make an ornament a day from now through the end of the month in between my searching to throw stuff away. Ha, ha!

Well, we'll see how these goals go. They are what I'm aiming for. If a day goes by where I don't reach quota I won't knock myself. Any progress in these areas is progress.