Friday, November 12, 2010
Took my walk a little later than I normally do and was surprised by how early it got dark. Saw the lights twinkling in people's homes and imagined couples and families greeting one another with something warm and cozy on the stove. My walk was quiet, sad and reflective. I cut it short because I started to get spooked out as the moon rose higher and the night got darker - I didn't feel safe out in the woods by myself.
It is not that I feel lonely. Just that I feel alone. Looking back now on my months of blogging and 400 some entries, I would say that the reason I do so is to be heard. To tell someone my story, my feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. There aren't many people in my life who really listen or care and I guess in the end, that is what I am most seeking. To have interactions with people who want to listen, who care, who are interested and to whom I matter. Many days I feel that if I simply disappeared, the only ones affected would be my two sons. And I want to matter to someone else. I want to feel the connection again that I had with my husband. I also want to help another human being feel important, nurtured and loved. To know with certainty that there is someone in the world to come home to who'll be waiting with open arms of acceptance.
Seven years ago I would never have imagined the intensity of feeling alone or how draining that aspect of widowhood is. To want something more in terms of a personal relationship but to have it elude you can be a hard reality to accept at times.
Tonight both my sons are at home as football is over and they are playing a sports video game together that my youngest bought with his job earnings today. They haven't had an operating game system in a year and have missed it. Today's purchase was a used 360. They are happy with the novelty of the game and it is peaceful and quiet. And I get time to myself on the computer. There is a pizza and some cake for dinner, along with ice cream. I am indulging in a rare glass of wine. I am trying to be mellow and to think ahead to a time when I will be able to talk in person with someone who cares about my story and will listen without judgment.