Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Caught these costumed mice in my grocery store's floral dept. the other day and noted that Halloween is still over three months away! I love seeing how early I'll spot holiday items months before the actual date. But anyway, my youngest son mentioned that I haven't been blogging much and that is true of late. It is a strange and disorientating summer. I suppose a lot has to do with my oldest going off to college. They talked about family transitions at the college orientation and maybe for us/me it is even more of one.
I know that in the weeks leading up to my son's graduation I was journeying into a funky mood. It has not abated. The best I can do to describe it is to explain that for many, many years now my entire focus and energy has been on getting my sons out of high school successfully, and from this specific high school at that. Now that that day has come for my oldest with the youngest to follow next year, it is as though I have abruptly lost that focus. I feel at loose ends, without direction and unsure of my immediate future.
I do know that I cannot remain living in this area on my own. I don't make enough to live comfortably and just keeping our heads above water has become too wearing on my being and soul. The traffic and large population of our area is also getting to me. I long for a rural place, more quiet and slower paced. I have no idea what career direction I'll take. I want to work for 20 more years but have not done well figuring out how I can harness an out-dated master's degree in psychology into a position that will be personally rewarding to me and helpful to the world and others. I guess I can try and focus on that after my oldest goes off to college and I have more free time.
There is this huge part of me that just wants me to be gone from this place, right now, immediately! But I have promised to be here for my youngest, who already feels slighted by the successes of his older brother. I owe him that and I will honor that commitment. How can one year seem so endless in duration?
Part of me is just so darned tired too. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. The past eight years of only parenting have been very stressful and have taken a toll. I am lacking in spirit and energy. The excessive heat and endless storms we keep having here doesn't help.
People in the past have told me that I've been so strong. That is not true. I just did the best I could under sometimes pretty tough circumstances. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That is still happening now but I must say it is more of a rote/automatic process and I seem to have lost something. I had a goal I was working very hard toward (getting my sons through school) and now that I have almost fully accomplished that I am left hanging... Living alone, without a partner adds to the mix. There is no one here to divert my thoughts or to refocus on.
I have come to know that transitions are hard on us all. But maybe for widows they're a little harder to face and move through.


  1. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? None of my business of course, but I missed you!

  2. You put thoughts/feelings into words so well. Raising kids as an'only' parent is such a challenge. You put your heart and soul into it. Be proud.

    I took my third and youngest child to college last week. My middle son, who just graduated from college, secured a great job, but a few thousand miles away! (My oldest graduated a few years ago and lives/works nearby). What changes! However, right now, I feel as though I'm on vacation. The weight of the world is off my shoulders ... I hope that you feel these same things one year from now; knowing that MAYBE you did a decent job as a parent:) A little advice I was given last year: plan for life after June, 2012. Have a few ideas of what you'd like to do for yourself...and ENJOY YOUR SON'S SENIOR YEAR

  3. Nancy - Heartfelt congratualtions for the success of your children. That is pretty much all I want when all is said and done. To know my sons are happy, safe and successful in an occupation meaningful to them. I am right with you in starting to try and plan a new life for myself but it seems pretty daunting and I'm not even sure how to start! Let me in on any ideas you may have on how you started to prepare for your "vacation." I already feel less pressure with the oldest off at school and only the youngest at home.

    Judy - Thanks for your concern. I couldn't get the computer to publish any posts so I was out of commission for a month. But the computer seems to be functioning again so here I am.