It's sometimes hard not to get overly caught up and dwell on my own worries and concerns. I try and give myself a break because there is a lot of stress and turmoil going on with my life right now and my life sure isn't easy. How can I not worry and despair? It's part and parcel of my life at this time, pretty unavoidable.
But I still think that widowhood has increased my selfishness to an extent. Not having a partner to be a sounding board and helpmate gives me an awful amount of time to engage in self-rumination. Blogging is also a pretty self-indulgent activity. It does come down to "me, me, me" much of the time. Is that a bad thing? I question my selfishness and don't like it but then I realize that I really don't have anything to give to anyone besides my sons anyway. Then I consider all my years of volunteering and working in social services and I tell myself it is okay to concentrate on myself right now.
Widowhood has seemed to shrink my world. I no longer have a husband to consider and devote attention to. I know there are many, many others out there feeling the pain of grief and loss and struggling financially but a part of me remains disconnected since I am so in need myself.
I'm reflecting on my sidebar, where I relate that what really matters is love. And that is today's topic. It is all about love. The love that comes from inside us can be released and multiply into a universal energy if let it. If we make that our goal. It totally starts from each of us within. It is a spark that can erupt into a flame.
I say do all things with love, think all things with love, be love. I truly believe that but yet I lose sight of that in the day to day struggles of survival and getting by on my own. I need to remember and be more conscious of this belief. Love will rule out or at least soften anger. So if I am upset and crabby and can feel those emotions with an ounce of love for myself, that pain to myself and what I transmit to the world will be lessened.
Even in the face of hardship and difficulty I can choose to think about and react to most every conceivable situation with love. All this summer I struggled so much with feelings of resentment and envy toward other moms my age and in my community seemingly living easier and happier lives. I could have turned that energy over to love by concentrating on being more self-nurturing instead of trying to obtain external validation. This great concept is the brainchild of Julie who recently suggested it to me in her comments about an earlier post. Pure genius! The act of soothing my internal pain would have most likely helped extinguish some of the bitterness I was experiencing at the time. Just one example of how love can heal and that healing lead to being able to love others in addition to ourselves - the ultimate goal - to spread and sow the seeds of love to the best of our abilities, each and every day. Even being aware of our shortcomings and trying to work on them helps. We all need to refocus, regroup and recommit to our goals.
Today, I pledge to do my best to honor what I have learned about love, to make it the driving force of my spirit and being in and to all things.