Saturday, January 30, 2010

All By Myself

I knew this would be a tough weekend in terms of feeling alone. But I am surprised at the intensity of my loneliness. I guess I need to try and find diversions for myself to get out and about in the future because here on my own I just seem to simmer and stew. Not that I'm unproductive. I've been going through the boxes of my parent's paperwork that has been in the storage shed. Tonight one of the boxes I concentrated on was full of cassette tapes of my dad's. This is a depressing job because none of the tapes are labeled. There have to be around 100. So I am playing them on a cassette recorder before tossing in case he recorded one of our high school band or orchestra performances. I got to hear Richard Nixon's resignation speech and a couple of band concerts, although which one or year is unknown. Then the cassette player broke, probably because the tapes I am trying to play are circa 1975.

In a sense, the mere fact that I am taking the time to listen to these tapes is depressing in and of itself. But I know he taped us kids talking at the dinner table and I do not want one of those thrown out. I came across a bunch of old slides from a trip he took in the late 1950s and some taken of he and my Mom on a trip they took a few months before I was born. Then there were some wedding photos of my father's brother. So in between the junk are a few treasures.

Because the boys are out I decided to make do with what is in the pantry for my dinner and save what I was going to fix for tomorrow. That way I can stretch out the food budget. But there really isn't anything tasty except odd flavored soups such as leek and bean with bacon that I now have no idea why I ever purchased. I am going to try the leek soup but wish there was some split pea or veggie.

There are times it is good to be reflective, contemplative and by yourself. But right now with the gloom of winter upon us, I need to be surrounded by loving warmth and company. I wish I didn't have to be home alone tonight. I am down about that. And the leek soup doesn't help! It would be better if there were some carbs around to uplift my spirits a bit. I should motivate myself to bake some blueberry muffins or some oatmeal cookies but hearing the Nixon speech kind of put a damper on my enthusiasm. I'm holding out for Saturday Night Live which I hope will bring me a laugh or two. Having some popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate while watching might revive me a little.

Today I am grateful:

1. That although it is cold it is not bitterly so.
2. For the moon overhead - hauntingly beautiful tonight.
3. For the cute ovenmitt I got at the dollar store. I needed one since all my towels and such are hidden somewhere in the depths of the storage shed.
4. That my oldest had a good time on his overnight band trip.
5. For the opportunity and means to vent about my pathetic Saturday night on my own!


  1. Sorry your night has been so lonely. I too am sitting here in my room feeling down. I spent the whole day with my kids, and had a fun time. After dinner I decided I needed some quieter time alone, but it just brings my mood down.

    It's funny thinking about your soup choices available today. I too sometimes go through the pantry looking for something, and always come across the strangest options, never knowing how they got there in the first place. Michael lived in Norway for many years, and sometimes bought foods I would never even think of trying. Unfortunately he never quite got around to eating them either.

    I hope your late night TV viewing brought you some laughs.


  2. So sorry you are feeling alone. I agree with Dan, many times I start out thinking that I just want some alone time and then it turns into a sobfest. I find myself asking 'what was I thinking?'.
    Today is one of those days, but I went to the RedBox and treated myself to a $1 movie so hopefully that will help fill the time constructively.
    I hope you got some giggles from SNL.

  3. i'll join the chorus and say i'm sorry you're down. being alone for hours and hours, days, is something that takes time to get used to. you've mentioned knitting. do you have lots of small bits of yarn to put together a wild scarf? or enough for an afghan? i don't knit but my mother did. she used every bit of yarn for the mixed color combinations for me.

    Redbox is nice if you can have a car and can go out to get it. i don't know if it's in your budget but my son pays $8.99 a month for me to have Netflix. i love it. instant watch movies plus i get to order one movie by mail at a time. i've been able to see some of the popular movies that i would never be able to get to a theater to see.

    as for food that fills. i makes breakfast tacos and two fill me up for those days when i can only eat twice. flour tortillas with scrambled eggs, hash browns, bacon if you can afford it, grated cheese, and salsa. roll them up. they are tasty and filling. i'm on them and oatmeal this weekend until Monday. i get my allotment/allowance/whatever tonight via online transfer and i've already used the calendar for my list of food i will be able to get.

    you are in my thoughts.

  4. Dan - I appreciate you relating your own soup experiences. Too funny. I ended up tossing some odd ones out - they were past the expiration code, enough said. I am coming to understand that even while grieving, it is very important to have personal connections and sometimes we should not be alone.

    Kelly - I am going to check out the RedBox at my grocery store. I haven't used it. There just isn't a lot of down time in my life - I rarely watch videos. But I think I need to start to. It would be a good diversion and keep me more updated. Even I can afford a buck.

    I did a lot of crying this weekend but it was good and cleansing.

    wNs - I am making eggs and hash browns with blueberry muffins tonight for dinner. The Mexican eggs sound good and I will put them on my menu list. Now I am going to make a bowl of oatmeal myself.

    I am so glad you are seeing current movies and have some form of entertainment that you don't have to go out for. I need to see more movies - it would probably help lift my mood. I'll start with the RedBox. I have visions of knitting a rainbow rug with bright and cheery colors from my scrap stash. Right now I'm knitting some quick and easy wool bowls which I'll felt (also stash yarn). I'm going to fill the bowls with lemons, oranges and limes.

    Thank you everyone for commenting. It lifted my mood and made me feel less alone this weekend.

  5. It's funny how sometimes crying can be cathartic and other times it just makes you feel worse. I wonder why that is? After all, it is a release. Maybe there are time when we just put a negative connotation to it and shame ourselves for indulging?
    This weekend I turned on one of those Hallmark movies, a guaranteed box of kleenex. If the movie doesn't get you the commercials will! While I sometimes empathize with the characters mostly it just helps me to get in touch with my humanity. I have to remind myself that I am only human, despite what my kids might think! It's ok to be human and have frailties. I don't always have to be strong and I am entitled a weak moment when I can't do it all.
    Then, of course, I picked myself up, dust myself off and go back to being or trying to be super woman, LOL.

  6. Kelly - I was glad I cried and that I had a reason to get the tears started. There was a lot of pent up stuff that needed to be released.

    I even think watching a tearjerker movie sounds good because it lets us release without feeling guilty about it since we're crying over a plot involving others.

    I had a big laugh with your last sentence about picking yourself back up to resume being superwoman. But you make a very good point about allowing ourselves to have some weak moments. Don't you think overall that widows/widowers are expected to keep it all together most of the time? I like what you brought up here so much I'm going to try and incorporate some down time for myself where I can have some weak moments. I'll look for a Hallmark type movie in the Redbox as a start!