I knew this would be a tough weekend in terms of feeling alone. But I am surprised at the intensity of my loneliness. I guess I need to try and find diversions for myself to get out and about in the future because here on my own I just seem to simmer and stew. Not that I'm unproductive. I've been going through the boxes of my parent's paperwork that has been in the storage shed. Tonight one of the boxes I concentrated on was full of cassette tapes of my dad's. This is a depressing job because none of the tapes are labeled. There have to be around 100. So I am playing them on a cassette recorder before tossing in case he recorded one of our high school band or orchestra performances. I got to hear Richard Nixon's resignation speech and a couple of band concerts, although which one or year is unknown. Then the cassette player broke, probably because the tapes I am trying to play are circa 1975.
In a sense, the mere fact that I am taking the time to listen to these tapes is depressing in and of itself. But I know he taped us kids talking at the dinner table and I do not want one of those thrown out. I came across a bunch of old slides from a trip he took in the late 1950s and some taken of he and my Mom on a trip they took a few months before I was born. Then there were some wedding photos of my father's brother. So in between the junk are a few treasures.
Because the boys are out I decided to make do with what is in the pantry for my dinner and save what I was going to fix for tomorrow. That way I can stretch out the food budget. But there really isn't anything tasty except odd flavored soups such as leek and bean with bacon that I now have no idea why I ever purchased. I am going to try the leek soup but wish there was some split pea or veggie.
There are times it is good to be reflective, contemplative and by yourself. But right now with the gloom of winter upon us, I need to be surrounded by loving warmth and company. I wish I didn't have to be home alone tonight. I am down about that. And the leek soup doesn't help! It would be better if there were some carbs around to uplift my spirits a bit. I should motivate myself to bake some blueberry muffins or some oatmeal cookies but hearing the Nixon speech kind of put a damper on my enthusiasm. I'm holding out for Saturday Night Live which I hope will bring me a laugh or two. Having some popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate while watching might revive me a little.
Today I am grateful:
1. That although it is cold it is not bitterly so.
2. For the moon overhead - hauntingly beautiful tonight.
3. For the cute ovenmitt I got at the dollar store. I needed one since all my towels and such are hidden somewhere in the depths of the storage shed.
4. That my oldest had a good time on his overnight band trip.
5. For the opportunity and means to vent about my pathetic Saturday night on my own!