Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A Snickers Bar Instead Of A Hug

I'm needing emotional support, encouragement and just plain someone to take over the reigns for a minute or two. But where does someone like me, the only adult in the home and parent to two male teens get some of that?

I knew not seeing Sam this weekend would emotionally set me back. I don't think he fully realizes as do others who haven't lost a spouse, just how depleting living alone (without another adult in the home) can be. I needed to be with Sam to emotionally recharge, feel wanted, desired, and share adult conversation in person.

I'm concentrating on the job search right now which is a drain. You have to pump yourself up and board that train of optimism. But then when you get home there isn't anyone there to pat your back, give you a hug, provide a pep talk or rub your feet.

Snow showers on and off today. Worried about not being able to afford food. That $336.00 car repair bill and then the $95.00 needed for my son's overnight field trip killed the food budget. This may be the month I have to beg the boys to try and eat at their friend's houses. Having to carry this worry and dread around with me all day on my own adds to my tension and stress.

What can I say, what can I do but take a few moments to vent about my predicament here. I have to try and remain hopeful that I'll be hired for a job quickly. I applied at two places Monday but only one today because of the snow. I plan on hitting three places tomorrow. My goal is to physically apply at two places daily. I'm avoiding the on-line applications for now believing personal interaction will be more effective.

Part of me is trying to keep myself pumped by believing that I have great job skills, experience and education so eventually I'll find something. I will be a great asset to an employer. There is just this gun to my head with the reality that it is imperative I find a job quickly simply because I have to feed my sons. They are my sole responsibility. It all rests on my shoulders. Their care and well being along with my own.

Tonight there were no hugs or words of "It'll be okay." Instead I rummaged around in the old trick and treat candy and had a couple smashed in individual-sized Snickers bars. I would take the hug any day.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the Valentine Day's heart cutouts I saw on some doors and windows as decorations.
2. For the light dusting of snow that covered the ground and trees looking very pretty and serene.
3. For the smell of Noxema skin care cream.
4. For the turkey tenderloin roast I got for only $1.99.
5. For leftover Halloween candy worth one more look before tossing.


  1. Hi ... I'm in the HR field, so I can't help but comment re: your job search ... it's nice to apply for jobs in person, and a personal touch is great ... but just so you're covering all of your bases, be sure to apply online as well. Just speaking for my own company, we no longer accept walk-ins or mailed-in resumes from folks ... due to all kinds of new federal recordkeeping and affirmative action requirements, all candidates must apply through our online system. I know this may not be the case for every company, but I just want you to use all the avenues available to you, to maximize your chances of getting a job as quickly as possible!

    I hope you find something fast ... I think it will do wonders for you in every way -- and hopefully help ease the financial stress you've been dealing with! Good luck and big hugs ...

  2. I was thinking the same thing as CCC. In addition to hitting 2 place physically, why not put in a few online as well. You can probably do many more online than in person and that just ups the odds in your favor.

    I LOVE Snickers! Sometimes I will sometimes buy one just to feel better. It fills the tummy and sometimes the soul. I have a bad habit of turning to food when down. But heck, no one is looking at me these days anyway, lol.

    I did get out tonight and take a 30 min walk around the neighborhood after it got dark. Sometimes I enjoy the dark and the peace it emits. Another front came through today so it is on the chilly side tonight. The brisk air helped to clear my mind and just gave me a sense of tranquility that I can't seem to find inside the house.

  3. CCC - Thank you for the advice. I am only going to the places that indicate personal applications will be accepted. It is a strategy to boost my energy and focus this week. Sitting at home glued to the computer is not something that I find motivating. I'll jump start this way and move to the online applications next week. Since I haven't looked for full-time work in 10 years I am finding this whole process pretty daunting. Lots has changed in 10 years!

  4. Kelly - I am so looking forward to when I can finally start taking walks outside again! Comfort food has its place, Snickers included.

  5. Dan - You knew what I was really saying here. Your words "It'll be okay," hit the spot! Thank you for sending them to me.

  6. You're doing remarkable, no not underestimate what you have accomplished. Just keeping the roof over your head (and the boys) and food on the table is a major thing. The only thing I can offer is that perhaps the roof and food are the major hurdles to achieve each month (until and I do say until) you get your full time job. By that any extras would have to be fulfilled after the bills. As hard as it would be for the boys, it just comes down to making choices. Still give yourself that big hug YOU deserve it.

  7. So much has changed in 10 years really resonated with me. I think that really sums up so many aspects of widowhood!! It's like this massive culture shock on so many different levels. It's like we just stepped out of a time warp. Welcome to the future. Now we just have to figure out how to conquer it!

  8. Debra - I cannot express how much your kind words of encouragement truly mean to me. They make a huge difference and I appreciate that you took the time to say them. Some days, words like these are what end up helping me make it through.

    Kelly - You hit the nail on the head! Absolutely perfectly! I feel like I am in this crazy world and supposed to figure out these new rules. But no one is giving me any crib notes or extra time. I'm sinking even though I'm trying my best. Massive culture shock on so many levels - every day we're bombarded by it and we have to face and conquer it all on our own which is yet another *hit aspect of this whole raw deal!

    God, it is so great to be able to communicate with someone out there who truly knows what this is like. Thanks so much for your comments. Today I will not feel so alone.