I'm needing emotional support, encouragement and just plain someone to take over the reigns for a minute or two. But where does someone like me, the only adult in the home and parent to two male teens get some of that?
I knew not seeing Sam this weekend would emotionally set me back. I don't think he fully realizes as do others who haven't lost a spouse, just how depleting living alone (without another adult in the home) can be. I needed to be with Sam to emotionally recharge, feel wanted, desired, and share adult conversation in person.
I'm concentrating on the job search right now which is a drain. You have to pump yourself up and board that train of optimism. But then when you get home there isn't anyone there to pat your back, give you a hug, provide a pep talk or rub your feet.
Snow showers on and off today. Worried about not being able to afford food. That $336.00 car repair bill and then the $95.00 needed for my son's overnight field trip killed the food budget. This may be the month I have to beg the boys to try and eat at their friend's houses. Having to carry this worry and dread around with me all day on my own adds to my tension and stress.
What can I say, what can I do but take a few moments to vent about my predicament here. I have to try and remain hopeful that I'll be hired for a job quickly. I applied at two places Monday but only one today because of the snow. I plan on hitting three places tomorrow. My goal is to physically apply at two places daily. I'm avoiding the on-line applications for now believing personal interaction will be more effective.
Part of me is trying to keep myself pumped by believing that I have great job skills, experience and education so eventually I'll find something. I will be a great asset to an employer. There is just this gun to my head with the reality that it is imperative I find a job quickly simply because I have to feed my sons. They are my sole responsibility. It all rests on my shoulders. Their care and well being along with my own.
Tonight there were no hugs or words of "It'll be okay." Instead I rummaged around in the old trick and treat candy and had a couple smashed in individual-sized Snickers bars. I would take the hug any day.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the Valentine Day's heart cutouts I saw on some doors and windows as decorations.
2. For the light dusting of snow that covered the ground and trees looking very pretty and serene.
3. For the smell of Noxema skin care cream.
4. For the turkey tenderloin roast I got for only $1.99.
5. For leftover Halloween candy worth one more look before tossing.