Sunday, January 3, 2010

Rocky Road

Sam and I spoke at length last night and this morning he called and the first words out of his mouth were that he thinks we should stay here and not move to him. It was a disheartening conversation. Part of his feelings result from the three weeks we spent living with him in December. He feels the boys and I were very unhappy and as a result, it did change his views about marrying me. We had spoken of marrying in January but now he does not feel "comfortable" doing so and wants to wait to "build up trust" again and to "make sure it is the right thing to do" for all of us.

I would have to say that this is all pretty distressing to me. I told him I'd wished he'd said something to me sooner and he replied that back in Dec. he had been hoping things would improve/change. I admit I was having a hard time of things and pretty depressed at that time. I thought he understood where I was coming from and would give me some leeway in getting through the tangle of emotions that surrounded me.

The move and my decision to enroll the boys in the new school for a kind of trial run was made very quickly and I had just completed the intensive 5-week Nursing Asst. training course. We literally left for our move hours after my last clinical class on Sun. and the boys started school on Mon. During the three weeks we lived with Sam I was also driving home on the weekends to finish my two-week notice with the big box store. It was very stressful and I did the best I could. Now I feel I am being judged by a set of criteria that is not fair.

Sam says the door to his home is still open and nothing else has changed except for his not wanting to get married right now. I told him that from my perspective the whole point of moving is to get married, be with him, share life and rebuild our family together. His view is that I should be moving to have a better life. I believe a better life will come out of being with him. He says marriage will come down the road out of a better life.

Well, I feel as though another curve ball as come my way. I am trying to understand and be patient with Sam for his outlook right now. But I still feel a little betrayed since the tune has changed here. Part of the reason I made the decision to move in Dec. was because marriage was on the table. I have never believed in living together and know that is not a comfortable option for me.

If we move now it will seem like I am on trial or have to prove myself and in my opinion that is the backwards approach to take to this commitment together. It seems as though we should feel strongly about our intentions to one another before I move, not have me move and then see how things develop.

I have never questioned my feelings about Sam. What I have questioned has been having to move the boys at this point in their lives. Sam said he thought I would be settling by moving to be with him. I'm not sure why he feels this way now when some months ago he told me that I had to move since I had no other choice. Wasn't that settling back then? I've never looked at it that way. It is a difficult situation because of moving out-of-state with the boys having to transfer schools.

I still have no question of Sam's integrity or intentions. He told me he was speaking from the heart. He has always been a man of his word and I trust him. But it was painful for me to hear him say last night that it would be easier to split up if it doesn't work out if we're not married than if we are.

Now I feel as though a can of worms has been opened. If we relocate and it doesn't work out, it would be incredibly difficult to come back, especially from a financial position. I have to consider that too. I also have to come to terms with my indecision over this and how it has impacted Sam. But that is all part of the only parent curse. He has an ex-wife with whom to co-parent. I don't and that has resulted in much agony the past weeks.

I was in the common area doing laundry and met a lovely, grandmother also doing her wash. We got to talking and I told her a little about what is going on. She knowingly nodded her head and shared that she moved out of the area when her son was 17. He ended up running back to Chicago and lived with a friend. He was not going to school and she moved back to get him straightened out and in school again. She was like an angel sent to me, a gift. She related that it is a difficult situation with kids the ages of my boys and maybe all we need is some more time to adjust. Sam has suggested that maybe we give the moving another try at the end of the school year or summer and see if that will make it easier for the boys.

Sam told me he would send me what money he can to help out and that we will see how our relationship progresses with the distance between us. He is trying to be as open-minded as possible. But in the meantime I am still stressing to the max about finances and the fear of just not being able to make it here. My angel said that it is hard trying to make it on one's own without a spouse. It was so nice to be speaking face-to-face with someone who knows and understands. She told me I was lucky to have found someone. I totally agree.

Part of me just wants to run into Sam's arms tonight and say we will make it. It might be hard, there may be a period of adjustment but it will work out. I don't want to lose this man but as my angel said, I don't want to lose my sons either.

There would be no conflict here is Sam had remained in the area. His move out-of-state has been the monkey wrench. I feel angry and resentful about that. Why would the Universe bring me this guy and then have him move away? Why does this widow have to endure even more hardship? When will it ever end? What I long for is a life with a partner and some basic financial security. I don't understand why there has to be so much torment to reach that goal. I don't think I'm asking for all that much. I don't want to be rich, just secure. I just want a decent, nice man (he can have flaws and be imperfect). After traveling so long on roads that are rocky, unplowed and dangerous, it would just be nice to have one in front of me where there are no potholes - a smooth and easy drive, even for a little stretch.


  1. I think I should stop reading. I've been reading for some time now and have keep hoping that you'll eventually stop thinking of yourself always as the victim. That clearly isn't happening. I get so frustrated by your woe is me, the world is out to get me, why me mantra. I've wanted to post numerous times before, but have refrained. Most of those responding are overly kind and compassionate, at least in my eyes.

    There are a zillion only parents out there - many with deceased spouses and many with non-existent ex-spouses; none of whom get support, financially or emotionally, or get the benefits of co-parenting.

    How you can be upset with Sam is beyond me. He has gone above and beyond. You expect him to be patient, loving, and supportive. What does he get in return? A miserable, depressed woman who caters to her disrespectful and demanding children. You are mad that Sam had to take a job out of state, rather than being grateful that he has a job (when so many don't). A now you are upset that he has temporarily taken marriage off the table. I think you are forgetting his side to all of this, only thinking how great he has it by not having to financially struggle like you and how he has an ex-wife to co-parent his children with. I'm sure his life is not all peaches and cream either. We all have our own crosses to bear.

    Like you said yourself, you want to have your cake and eat it too. Life is not fair. You know that yourself. So do I. Life is never going to be fair. It is time to make the best of it. Believe it or not, there are people out there that would trade to have your life in a heartbeat. You describe yourself as "widowed, divorced, depressed and destitute." How very sad that you continue to let those descriptors identify yourself.

    I know this isn't the usual kind and compassionate response you are used to receiving, but I think you need to begin to look at your life from a different angle. Your husband was ill and died, you took care of your aging parents, you have no familial support, you got divorced, you lost your home, you are in dire financial straits. You repeat that over and over. You are stuck on all the negatives of your life. When are you going to move on? Life is passing you by while you are bemoaning the fact that it is not fair.

    I sincerely hope that you find happiness eventually. I, for one, don't believe happiness is just going to fall into your lap. You're going to have to pursue it. And I hope you do!

  2. Well, I did have a pretty happy, peaceful and content life up until my husband died. And then my whole reality and existence was shattered. Blogging was an attempt to examine and deal with the real issues in my life which did include widowhood, divorce, depression and being destitute. When you're facing such challenges it is darn difficult to rise above them and see the good and positives in life. There are many people here who are having a tough time just getting through the death of a loved one. When you add the other factors, it can put someone over the edge.

    I think anyone parenting on their own faces a tough battle and I'd hoped to describe it within my posts not for a pity party but for a dose of reality. That is all I have ever wanted this blog to be. An honest portrayal of what I have been living.

    The people I have connected to are all struggling with their own demons and I always try to be supportive and compassionate. We are already hurting and suffering enough. We can all use a dose of kindness and sympathy.

    Yes, I certainly do not want to continue to suffer. Of course, I want to be happy again. But I truly do not think that for some of us it is as easily attainable. There are challenges to struggle through and endure. You can't just wave a magic wand and wish for your problems and difficulties to disappear. And those realities do impact one's outlook on life.

    I thank you for posting and giving me another perspective to consider.

  3. Afterthought -

    For some of us, blogging is a way to try and work through our patterns of thinking/adapting and our life challenges so we can rise above the muck of our despair and be at a place where happiness can be again welcomed into our lives with open arms. It doesn't happen on its own. There has to be growth and insight first. At least that is my view.

  4. I very much see in your blog that you're using it to work through all the difficulties in your life, and I think it's brave of you to share this process. A few years ago I was there, too. Or nearly. In the year of my husband's illness, my mother died, my son had a heart attack, I was working full time--8:00 to 6:30--then going to the hospital every evening. I was doing part of the office work, too, as we no longer had a secretary. During my husband's hospitalization, he was given a lumbar puncture which paralyzed his legs, he developed a pressure wound which grew in size and stayed infected, he fell out of a wheelchair when someone didn't belt him in and hit his head on the concrete which caused a hematoma and dysphagia (inability to swallow)...and then the leukemia came back. His business affairs were in a total mess, his Medicare had run out and we owed the hospital $260,000, and I was not used to handling things on my own. But I did get through it and you will get through your troubles, too, I'm certain. My own blog is different since I'm in a different place. I think of it as a place of hope. I know eventually yours will be, too. Keep plugging.

  5. Thelma - I cannot tell you how much I truly appreciate your words. You do understand my blogging efforts and what this has been like. When you're hit with a great deal of grief at once or within a short period of time, it is very difficult to extricate yourself from major feelings of despair, including "woe is me." It just permeates your life at all levels and cannot be escaped!

    I have noticed that you are at a different place than I, and it is nice to visit your blog and pick up the hope you inspire. One aspect of blogging that I like is that we can connect with many people at varying places on the same journey and all of us can provide support, learn and grow from one another.

    A hug and thanks to you!