Monday, October 11, 2010

Tired Zombie

Dear Cyber Friends -

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am just so tired. Not sure if it is the new medication adjusting itself to my body or if I am just really tired from all that has happened over the past years (or a combination of both). I am getting through the days doing what has to be done with making sure the boys are fed, have clean clothes, get to their various activities and so on but I am doing everything kind of like I'm on automatic pilot and without much emotion.

It is strange. I don't feel freaked out or like I'm going to explode but at the same time I don't feel much inspiration or happiness (for lack of a better word) either. I am just kind of blah, hum bug, even-keeled. Maybe that is where I should be right now, at least for the time being but I do miss really feeling more of my emotions. It is a little weird feeling so numb.

The best news is that the blood pressure medicine worked within just a week to get my blood pressure to a normal level. The doctor told me he felt the worry/anxiety I was experiencing was a definite factor in why my BP was so high. I am very grateful that it has gone down because being worried about that too just made my anxiety worse!

I continue to take a half hour or more nature walk and that has been a lifesaver to me. But most days I wake up with this low grade headache that doesn't seem to dissipate. I would like to go to bed for a week and just sleep for seven days straight!

There were some boxes that I couldn't fit into the storage shed and I had to bring them home to sort through and get rid of. Have been busy with that and making lots of Goodwill donations. But the house move still weighs heavy on my mind and heart. Moving from such a large home into a small place turned out to be a very challenging and unending task for me to handle and accomplish, as noted by the fact that I'm still at it a year later. Anyway, there is progress in that and progress in out looking for work in my field of social services. No bites yet but I'm at least casting out my line into the water which for me is a big step. I tend to bury my head in the sand because of my fear of failure and not making it.

I hope all of you are doing as well as can be expected in everyone's individual situations. At least the weather is lovely this time of year and there is joy in celebrating that. Happy fall to all.


  1. If I had to choose between the even-keel blahs or depression, I'd pick the blahs. But I know what you mean. I, too, have had periods of feeling ..... nothing, really. Not enjoyable, but livable, I guess.
    Here's to praying for a lift in your spirits .... and a lead to a better job.

  2. Janine - I'm glad you know what I mean about this. And like you, I'll take the blahs over the other.

  3. I have the blahs too. Anniversary of my husband's death coming up this week. And I have bronchitis.

  4. Sometimes the blahs are a way for the mind to shut down for a time and let the body heal. I think. I sure hope you get a job in the field you are qualified in. It sure would help keeps the blahs away, wouldn't it. Steady On, Friend.

  5. Thelma, I will be thinking of you throughout this week, especially on my nature walks. My husband's bday, our wedding date and his death all come the week after next so I'm right there along with you. Hope your bronchitis clears up - how horrible to have that right now.

    Judy - You raise a good point I hadn't considered. Now I won't look at my mind shutting down so negatively. Maybe it is a healing action needed for right now. Thank you for pointing this out.

  6. Glad that you posted! I believe you're feeling a combination of both -- meds and LIFE over the past years. I remember first going on meds and being very tired (my Dr. told me I would feel that way). I believe you must be totally exhausted with everything that has gone in your life that your body is now trying to catch up. Take time and rest when you can. So happy your BP is at normal levels -- one less thing to be concerned about. Praying that a job will open up that is less demanding, at least physically, and will give you some financial relief. I, too, am coming up to the anniversary of my husband's death. I always find this time of year a tug-of-war of feelings -- Fall is my favorite time of year but it is scarred by his death. Will be thinking of you - 7 years for me!

  7. Beth - I have the same feelings about fall. This is the first year that I have "let" myself go on these nature walks to try and soak up some of the atmosphere. I just wish I wasn't so tired/drained because as you are well aware, there is so much that needs attention to within the home and home life. I'm not getting as much done as I wish I could and then that guilt cycle starts up...

  8. Do you remember that song from the 60's that was from the Bible? It talks about there being a season for gathering, letting go, etc. I think that is what is happening to us. Yoo are in the season of rest. You worked hard, and it is time for you to rest. This is my season for letting go. I think both have been hard for each of us. I am glad to hear that all of you are reminded of different anniversary dates, and how you acknowledge them. I am new at all of this, and thought I was alone. That I was being too consuming in my thoughts of what I had, and what I lost. This past year has been hard, but as I remember how my life change last year during this time, it is taking me places that I can only marvel at, and wonder how I got through it all. Thank you for sharing this with me, and please (just for me) get all the rest that you can. God bless!!!!!

  9. Jeanne - Wow! I knew exactly what song you're talking about which was an adaptation of Pete Seeger's sung by The Byrds. In fact, I love the words/song so much I have the the book for children, "Turn, Turn, Turn" illustrated by Wendy Anderson Halperin. I immediately pulled it off the shelf - it is so gorgeous and put The Byrds up on YouTube. There isn't anything specific about "rest" in the lyrics but just about everything else.

    I like your idea about there being seasons to what we're going through. And I'm right there alongside you with the letting go part and facing the future more firmly. Thank you so much for commenting. I hope readers look up the song and lyrics - it's worth a look.

  10. Happy fall to you, too! The comments posted are so lovely and wise - truly gifts from friends. May they help in restoring your soul.