It was not my intent to rage, rant, vent or snipe when I wrote yesterday's post. Rather, it was an almost desperate measure to try and cope with overwhelming grief brought on by the prospect of leaving the house I have resided in for the past 19 years; having sold it for only $500.00 more than what it was appraised at 20 years ago; and being flung into the unknown future with the reality of not having a familial safety net to rely on or fall onto. That the past six years since my husband's death have been chaotic and unpredictable has no doubt strengthened the feelings of loss I have surrounding my home. These four physical walls have represented the only stability the boys and I have really had since my husband's death and now even that is being torn from us.
I know everyone has their own problems and demons. A married couple I am friends with is in the process of foreclosure also. But they have one another to lean on for comfort and support. Another friend is losing the day-to-day contact with his 11-year-old son, as his ex-wife has remarried and moved to a town out-of-state, six hours away. I sympathize with my friend at his loss but at the same time consider him fortunate that he and his ex-wife jointly share parenting responsibilities to some extent. Try waking up every morning being the sole worrier about your children's health, grades, socialization, safety and on top of that being frantic about the need to house, feed and clothe them.
For me personally, part of life's challenge has been the struggle to move forward despite having to confront so much pain in a brief period of time - multiple grief losses and secondary grief losses is how I refer to them. Every loss brings up new pain and reactivates the hurt of the old ones. My divorce contributed to the financial nightmare I am currently experiencing, as well as bringing up feelings of abandonment, rejection, instability and insecurity that no doubt have their roots in my long ago past. I am so weary...
If only my husband hadn't died - I wouldn't be in this position nor would I even be writing this post. And probably all of those miserable feelings of childhood pain and loss would still be deeply buried.