As we gear toward selling the house and moving, I am doing my best to put on and wear my game face. I suppose it is a good thing that I have had to go to my retail job over the summer. Granted, it is not a job in my field but it has forced me to interact with the world, manage my time and learn new skills. I can look at it as a training period for my next job which will hopefully be full time and in my field. It may also be possible that working has helped elevate my mood and forced me to keep on going when it would have been so much easier to mope, brood and cry around the house.
The timing of my husband's death prevented much self-pity or even sufficient grieving. The boys were only nine and ten and required too much of my time and attention. All of the whirlwind events that followed, also prevented any real opportunity for self-reflection or healing. I spent what little free time there was caring for others. In a sense I do feel like I was cheated out of a mourning period. And that has caused its own issues because when my second husband filed for divorce, I think the full extent of my grief over everything from the past hit me far harder than it would have, had I had a chance to deal with the older losses when they'd occurred.
As it stands now, there is a huge pit in my stomach and I hurt and I am scared. I am still dealing with the utter sadness and betrayal I feel from the situation with my second husband. I just can't dismiss these feelings - I am still in pain. The agony of my failed second marriage is tied in with all of the anguish I feel about my husband's death, the hardship of being an only parent, my parent's aging issues, my Mom's death, the estrangement from my siblings and the financial issues. All in all, when I review the past seven years, it is all such a dark, gloomy, trying and utterly bleak period of suffering. For me, there has been a huge struggle in having had to deal with so many tragedies. It was not just my husband's death - it morphed into multiple losses and heartache. I am also understanding that my second marriage symbolized a new beginning and hope for me - when it crumbled, my faith and hope in the future seemed to also vanish.
So as the clock clicks down to our closing date on September 8, I am doing my best to face the world and this new loss. But while the game face I am presenting may hide to the world my inner turmoil, it is churning and churning deep inside me.
Today I am grateful:
1. For shelter from the elements and food in the pantry.
2. For my education - no one can ever take that away from me.
3. For baked beans - there is not a more tasty, cheap filling food out there in a can.
4. For the power of music to lift the spirit.
5. That my boys have many friends and are socially adjusted.