Sunday, February 15, 2009

Juggling too many things!

I was thinking about how this blog deals with so many things - death, grief, loss, divorce, poverty, single parenting, unemployment! The list looks too daunting but it is what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if I should just post on one topic but the fact is that they are all happening simultaneously and that is my life now so separating one out wouldn't be fair to my situation. But the fact that I am juggling all these aspects of life is causing me to function in a bit of a daze. I am getting through the days but don't remember much about them. The raw grief I experienced at the end of last month and start of this one has subsided considerably. It has been replaced by great anxiety over my upcoming divorce mediation this coming Thursday. I did my best to work out a settlement outside of mediation but in the end my attorney nixed the idea and did not present my proposal to Husband #2's attorney. The job search is not going too well because I find I am not able to focus on the task being so worried about the settlement. The house situation appears to be more optimistic. My real estate attorney has been in quite a bit of contact with the lender and feels strongly that they will renegotiate my loan so I can end up staying in the home. I think once I have a definite answer about both the mortgage and divorce settlement situations that I will be able to better focus on the job search. I have a friend who told me that I would probably be handling the divorce better if my financial condition wasn't so dire. It will be just a relief to have some answers and be able to move on. When husband #1 died I knew it was over and it provided some finality. This divorce dragging on has not been good for resolving my grief - it needs to be over so I can restart my life as hard as it will be! I am reading "Storms Can't Hurt the Sky" by Gabriel Cohen which describes the Buddhist perspective through divorce or any loss/change for that matter. I want to complete it by Thur. so I can be in a less angry/vindictive tone when mediating. I was going to do a post on how hard it is to get through Valentine's Day when you are alone, but since that day has already passed I will let it be. There was too much going on in my life for me to pay much attention to that day anyway. I did watch the Adam Sandler movie "Reign Over Me" about a grief stricken widower who lost his wife, three daughters and dog in the 9/11 Tragedy. There need to be more movies that deal with severe grief/loss issues in a compassionate and real manner.

Today I am grateful:

1. That human beings have the capacity to endure and survive great loss.
2. That there are writers and movie producers willing to take risks and address the unpopular/scary subjects of grief and loss.
3. That I have more sense and maturity than Husband #2 and my action in reading "Storms Can't Hurt the Sky" will somehow positively affect the mediation.

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