Today I am feeling sad all round - disappointed that no one is reading this blog. I had really hoped for a way of connecting with others in similar situations and garnering some support but I am green at doing this sort of thing (computers, blogging) and am pretty much winging it. Blogging has served as a means of journaling my experiences/feelings and that has been extremely helpful on its own. I was having trouble putting pen to paper and found it much easier to blog so in that way this has served a purpose. I have been reading some blogs and have found it very helpful to realize that others share my feelings around the world. It has made me feel less alone and connected to the collective spirit of the Universe.
Last night a dear, close friend invited me to attend a dinner he is going to be having with clients but I passed on it because I just cannot put aside all the fear, grief and anxiety I am currently feeling. I just want to hang out with people I feel comfortable with and know. It seems unfair to everyone to be putting on an act to be in a social mood and all. And I have the worry that I won't be able to pull it off and end up ruining dinner for everyone (another worry is that I might drink too much because I am feeling fear, grief and anxiety) and will end up embarrassing my friend and ruining dinner for everyone that way.
So I suppose the question of the day is how to continue moving forward and living while being consumed with all these negative emotions. I presume the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Being honest with oneself and others as to the state of my situation and how I feel about it while not being morbid and clinically depressed and moping around all the time. Easier said than done. I guess I'll have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see how it goes. See what works and what doesn't.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I keep getting up and facing another day.
2. For friends that have stood by my side through this difficult journey.
3. For the opportunities (like this one) to connect to others around the world - that is pretty amazing!