Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Feeling down and sad

Today I am feeling sad all round - disappointed that no one is reading this blog. I had really hoped for a way of connecting with others in similar situations and garnering some support but I am green at doing this sort of thing (computers, blogging) and am pretty much winging it. Blogging has served as a means of journaling my experiences/feelings and that has been extremely helpful on its own. I was having trouble putting pen to paper and found it much easier to blog so in that way this has served a purpose. I have been reading some blogs and have found it very helpful to realize that others share my feelings around the world. It has made me feel less alone and connected to the collective spirit of the Universe.

Last night a dear, close friend invited me to attend a dinner he is going to be having with clients but I passed on it because I just cannot put aside all the fear, grief and anxiety I am currently feeling. I just want to hang out with people I feel comfortable with and know. It seems unfair to everyone to be putting on an act to be in a social mood and all. And I have the worry that I won't be able to pull it off and end up ruining dinner for everyone (another worry is that I might drink too much because I am feeling fear, grief and anxiety) and will end up embarrassing my friend and ruining dinner for everyone that way.

So I suppose the question of the day is how to continue moving forward and living while being consumed with all these negative emotions. I presume the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Being honest with oneself and others as to the state of my situation and how I feel about it while not being morbid and clinically depressed and moping around all the time. Easier said than done. I guess I'll have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see how it goes. See what works and what doesn't.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I keep getting up and facing another day.
2. For friends that have stood by my side through this difficult journey.
3. For the opportunities (like this one) to connect to others around the world - that is pretty amazing!


  1. What impresses me most about what I read here, is that you know all the right answers. Even as you say you do such and such behavior, you know why you are doing it, or you feel a certain way even though you know it is groundless. I am much that way myself. It is an odd thing to know something is or isn’t true yet act on it anyway. We humans are a funny bunch.

    I can tell by your writing that you are a very bright woman. You are so in touch with your feelings and emotions and are very articulate in expressing them. Most women who have gone through what we have are not. It seems only fair that if we can express how we feel, we should get to STOP FEELING IT! But it doesn’t work that way. We are sometimes just going to feel bad until we don’t any more.

    What you learned from your first husband’s death – and yes, the two grief’s are very different – is that there is, if not an end, a transition, you will eventually come out the other side to discover you have once again survived.

    There is a song someone gave me after my husband died that I think applies here. I couldn’t hear it without weeping. It still makes me cry. The chorus goes like this:
    "This is what it means to held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is, to be loved, and to know, that the promise was, when everything fell, we’d be held."

    I have been blessed with great faith. My personal belief is that life continues after this one and that I will be with my husband once more. I have not lost him forever. There is a larger plan that I am unaware of. Part of that plan is a loving Heavenly Father who has promised to take care of me. I used to think that meant I would get everything I asked for – like a good husband. But when I read his promise, that is not what it says. Rather, like the song, when things get tough, He will be there to help me through. I WILL be held. (you too will be held) When you are feeling alone and sad, remember that you are NOT alone, it might seem odd to some, but I get great comfort from knowing I am loved and cared for by my Heavenly Father.

    But I’ll be honest. That doesn’t help when the car has a flat, and the sink is backed up and the kids are sick and I am all there is. Then, I still feel very much alone.

    And p.s. you have at least one person reading and enjoying your blog! Me!

  2. Ann - Thank you for your kindness, encouragement, insight and interest in my words and feelings. As you pointed out, we do get to a transition eventually - it just doesn't seem to happen soon enough. Although I do believe that we will be reunited with love ones when we pass over, I also strongly believe that we are meant to keep on living while we remain on Earth. And that the living we do is not consumed by misery and grief. I do not believe that there is some master plan to cause us to have to endlessly suffer - maybe some of the prolonged pain we feel is our unwillingness to part with grief and move on. It comes back to what you said about reaching a point where we can transition on. Navigating that path of transition is what is so tricky because it is different for each of us - there is no one size fits all plan. That is when we have to rely on our faith, friends, experience, inner strength and wisdom to carry us through. I think that is what you meant when you referred to your strong belief in God providing you with comfort and the knowledge that you are not alone. But it is still nice to know that there is someone out there here on Earth who understands and has been there. Just knowing that gives me courage.