Recharging/Replanting Needed

I feel like I can't win. I complain that I don't have a social life, yet am too tired to participate in one. I've been invited out for drinks and dancing tomorrow night with my new friends from the complex, but now want to just stay home and watch Dateline. It is the end of the week and as usual, so much going on between work, show choir, school, dr. visits, picking up prescriptions, making dinner, doing laundry...

My son will be performing on local t.v. tomorrow and has to be at school no later than 5:45. I am at the dry cleaner every other day to make sure his multiple show choir costumes are clean and pressed! Then on Sat. the group will be performing locally. I plan on being at the contest all day and am looking forward to it. But again, I'll have to see my son off early in the a.m., etc.

The nice people who have invited me to join them tomorrow are not currently raising children and some do not work. Still, I feel so guilty for not wanting to go out with them. Well, I'll rephrase that. I'd like to join them but I'm so tired and not in the mood for a crowded bar/restaurant type place with loud conversation, drinking and dancing.

I hate that widowhood brings with it all this new stuff to worry about. When I was married, on Friday night it was a given that my husband and I would just be at home relaxing with the kids. It was happy, comfortable family time. We let down our hair and just were ourselves. Now I have concern that I'll be offending these people and can't understand why it is so hard for me to do what I want to do which is to stay home and relax after a hectic week.

I guess the right way to define it is that widowhood has made my life so much more complicated as illustrated by just his one example. I am trying to make a valiant effort to only do things that I want to do and if my heart isn't in an activity I'm not going to force myself. As lovely as it would be to go out and socialize, I'm not a machine or robot. My battery has run down and recharging is needed. Yet I still struggle with that internal voice that tells me I have to be superwoman and make new friends and get out there and do the Friday night social thing... Many women struggle to say "no." Widowhood doesn't make that trait disappear, although I sure wish it had given me more strength to not care so much about what others think and pay more attention to my own feelings. I have found that widowhood has made me more sensitive to the opinions of others. I am constantly justifying my actions and thoughts. You'd think that the hardships I've faced would have toughened me up a bit. Funny that it hasn't worked out that way. I can already feel myself wavering and considering going just for one drink or just for an hour...

The Ice Melts

The ice eventually melted and all day there were sparkles in the tops of trees shining off the sunlight. I tried to capture some of the magic but didn't come close. So I suppose a lesson here is that life goes on and even in the aftermath of a storm, there can be unexpected beauty.

Flo commented that it is okay for us to have some self-pity every once in a while and I want to say a "here here" to that sentiment. We live in this society where it is looked down on to mope or complain. But I read somewhere that in actuality, it is rather healthy to do so on occasion - doesn't make us weaker but actually stronger because we are trying to comfort ourselves (when there isn't anyone else around to do so).

Stupid Ice Storm!

So in the end it all comes down to this. A blog constantly complaining about the trials and tribulations of being a widowed, middle-aged mom. I am on a freaking merry-go-round and just can't seem to get off. Round and round she goes...

This morning awakened to an ice storm from last night and can't get the vehicles scraped off. My car doors were stuck shut and I asked the nice young dad from downstairs for his muscle strength since the boys had already left for school. He got one of the doors opened but I looked at my ice covered windows and came back in for a cup of tea and a blogging gripe session before heading out to do the job. I don't want to. It will probably take me a half hour in the cold and then I'm off to work. I'm already tired and it is only Monday morning. How can someone be tired on Monday morning? I'm tired and drained every day!

I know that I've been posting more positive posts of late, but then an ice storm comes and it just blasts me back 10 steps. Everyone here is sick of winter. When they announced the winter storm advisory last night my youngest groaned out loud.

I wish I had the personality to turn this around with a more positive spin. Thinking/saying that having to go out and scrape a thick layer of ice off my vehicle to get to my "temporary low level job" makes me feel alive because I'm using my muscles and exerting myself in the fresh air. But I'm not that person in the first place and after a number of years of widowhood I haven't become stronger doing everything on my own, just more tired and depleted.

It is not the grief and loss that gets to you in the end - it is the living and doing and coping and struggling on one's own that does you in. At least that is my opinion on this widowhood road. Far more hardships than pleasures and somehow always having the scale tip downward seems a darn shame. Widowhood life is just so unbalanced. There needs to be more "evenkeeledness." But how can there ever be more balance when one is always behind, running to catch up, low on rest, sleep and relaxation and always doing the work of two? It's a no win situation if you ask me. And then throw in a freaking ice storm when it is almost impossible to just keep up when life is "normal" and I'm ready to throw in the towel or should I say ice scraper!

V-Day Joke On Me!

In part, this was a better Valentine's Day because with working now, there was a little money for some V-Day treats, purchased the day after for half-price of course, but none-the-less treats for the boys. And it is nice to have a bit of spending money to afford seasonal luxuries once in a while.

At the grocery store sifting through the bags of left over candy, I came across this amazing card by the Palmer candy company and immediately got it for me. Because I thought I had found an actual card made for a person to give to themselves! After all, the front of the card had the words, "To Me..." on it. I liked that the card had a cat on it and then inside there was a ball of yarn. I will admit I was a little confused because there was a "To/From" inside. But I didn't let that deter me from buying myself the card.

I thought it was a brilliant idea. Perfect for people like me - a middle-aged widow not receiving many gifts throughout the year. I have posted about this topic a number of times. How widowhood finds you lacking in the gift department. So why not have a line of cards and gifts we single people can give to ourselves on special days? I remained excited that an actual big company out there had figured all this out and would lead/pave the way for other companies like Hallmark to follow.

I was so happy about this card I brought it with me to a concert my son performed at this week to show my girlfriend during intermission. She is a teacher and just laughed when she saw my card. She reminisced that one of her young students gave her this same card many years ago! She had to kindly explain to me that I had misread the card wording so to speak. I had put the emphasis on the word "To." But if you put the emphasis on the word "Me," there is a whole different meaning! So the card ended up not being one for someone to give to themselves after all.

Well, this is all pretty funny to me in retrospect now. I am still glad I got myself the card because I think this is a darn good idea that someone out there should latch onto - gifts and cards that can be purchased for individuals to give to themselves. Who else is going to tell us we're great, fabulous or fantastic unless it is us when we're experiencing the single life. It felt so empowering for me to get myself an actual Valentine for myself (even the day after) with a positive sentiment on it.

I know that in actuality, there are more people together than there are singles so this isn't probably a profitable idea. And that some would say, just go buy yourself a gift, that it doesn't need to say specific words for it to be meaningful. But there was something special about finding (or thinking I'd found) an actual Valentine to give to myself from myself that was fun while it lasted!

Valentine's Day Observations

I think I better post about Valentine's Day before the month of February is over. For the first time in many years, I did not feel the sense of pain and longing this day usually brings. Instead, I felt more of a universal focus of love rather than an emphasis on romantic relationships.

My close girlfriend and I had dinner at the restaurant I work at, which featured a special three-course meal and exchanged small gifts. I had to go to Target to purchase a set of sheets and passed by the card section. There was no longing or sadness as I looked at the large crowd surrounding the cards. What I did find of interest was that there was only one card to "My Boyfriend," although there were so many to "My spouse or better half." It just provided me with more evidence of how much our society recognizes couples and excludes or puts down singles.

The day approached and ended with me feeling happy and glad that there is a day recognizing love in all its forms and that is what I tried to keep in my heart during that time. I sent messages of good will to the people buying cards for their spouses and felt gratefulness for the love of my sons, the friendship and love of my girlfriend. Love has far more meaning and goes so much more beyond the limited boundaries of romantic/couple love our society elevates.

Table For One

Was busier than normal at work today so didn't get out as early as I usually do. Rushed to the store for the "Friday Family" $5.00 dinner special, which tonight was fish and chips. Added some coleslaw, then off to the dry cleaners to pick up my son's show choir outfit as they leave tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. to perform in Wisconsin. My youngest called me en route to ask when I'd be home as he was very hungry. Ditto for the oldest boy.

Started dinner as soon as I was in the door, which only consisted of heating the oven to 450 and getting the fish and chips on a baking tray and putting them in. But the half hour baking time turned out to be too much for my sons to wait for. The youngest got picked up for a trip to the mall and then my oldest flew off to a 4-H meeting. When did he join 4-H? He is in too many activities as it is!

So I'm left with a pan of cooked fish and chips that will no doubt end up soggy by the time the boys get home. And I'm on my own again, tired with a sink full of dirty dishes, laundry to get done since my son needs some things washed for the show choir performance (his special undershirt that the boys need since they wear sequined shirts which are itchy).

I have my own fish and chips dinner - but a Jenny Craig version. Just feeling a bit down and out that it is another Friday night on my lonesome. I can't even imagine going out for dinner or on a date right now. I'm tired and have to work again tomorrow. On the bright side I hope Dateline is on and I can knit and/or read. But I never was prepared for evenings like this. I always thought that once the boys were this age and off and about with their friends, my husband and I would have the freedom to catch a movie or show together. This wasn't supposed to be the plan. Gosh, even making a quick dinner together and playing a game of cards with my husband would be preferable to the silence that permeates my home space and brings on a touch of sadness right now.

"Gleet" Expectations

Great day Sat. We all went downstate for my oldest son's first show choir competition. The group placed first in their division and my youngest and I shared some quality private time. The competition was held near my old university so my youngest and I visited the campus and I got the boys some t-shirts. The show choir had lunch at the famous college eatery known for their bread and subs. My youngest and I got lunch there too and even took some bread home, which is the tradition of alumni when visiting.

The show choir was gone from 5:00 a.m. and didn't get home until 3:00 a.m. because the charter bus got stuck in a snowbank. My youngest and I only stayed for the first performance. On the way home, we stopped at an antique mall which was a real treat for me since I haven't gone to one in so long.

My youngest shared a lot with me about how hard it has been for him to follow in his brother's footsteps. He told me that he wants to forge his own identity but at school everyone expects him to be like his brother, etc. The teachers constantly compare the two. I gained a much better understanding of my youngest son's feelings and perspective.

He had me in stitches with his commentary on the show choir performance. One of the things he admitted was that he doesn't think the group is all that good. But then he clarified that by stating that perhaps watching the Fox show "Glee" has ruined it for him (and maybe others) because he expects my son's group to sound like the Glee group. I laughed and told my son that the Glee kids are professional actors and older, which he knows anyway. But I found his observation very funny and told him I'd include it in my blog. I asked him what I could title this post and it was his suggestion with the creative play-on-words "Gleet" Expectations.

Driving around downstate Illinois with my little family together, visiting my old college campus, spending time with my youngest, watching a quality musical performance that resulted in 1st place, having a great lunch and then to top it off, visiting an antique mall! It was a good day and I felt happy! There seem to be more days now that are happier rather than sad, and I feel a page has turned in my life and the wheels are finally spinning forward!