Strength and Reslove

Tonight was the last Fall Curriculum Night I'll have to attend on my own. Mixed feelings but far more positive than negative. I really needed a shot of motivation to help me get through this next year because in a way, I've already checked out. But hearing my son's teachers praise the students and talk about how much they love teaching inspired me to put my nose to the grindstone and just get through this next year. I owe it to my son. I know it is hard for those outside our community to understand how special the boys' high school is but it is the ONE reason I've remained in this town.

Over and over tonight, I heard the teachers state how wonderful their school is, and the principal always mentions this every time she addresses the parents. The teachers all spoke of how fortunate they are to be able to teach at the school, and to have such top notch students and involved parents.

After getting my oldest off to college, I was feeling somewhat down and dreading having to get through one more year in this town. I am so ready to leave and move to a more affordable and rural location. Finances are very precarious for us right now and I am so very, very tired of struggling to barely make ends meet. That aspect of my life is just exhausting. But I have to keep my eyes and focus on the bigger picture. When all is said and done, later in my life, I hope the financial struggles will be a faint memory but that the memory of my sons attending and graduating from such a fine high school will be one of which I am most proud. Proud that I stuck out hardship to give my sons a solid education leading to college. Proud that they flourished and were popular students, especially after the losses in their lives. This school has been a beacon of stability and strength in our lives when that has been so lacking otherwise.

I have no doubt that the next months will be tough on my bank account and nerves. When times get really low I need to remember tonight. And the pride I felt for our little family, making it through hardship and focusing on quality education. My finances WILL eventually improve. What I've given my sons has been priceless and worth it.

My son's science teacher warned the parents (all of senior students) that the kids can't check out yet. College applications haven't been submitted - it isn't safe to slack off now. I thought that some of us parents are feeling the same way as our seniors right now so maybe my son and I can both motivate each other throughout this final year.

One teacher commented that life goes by so quickly. Senior year will be gone in a blink of an eye and to remind our students to enjoy this final year. In some ways I fear the year will go too slowly since we are struggling financially. I do hope it will be a fast year. As hard as it may get, I have to remember to enjoy these final seasons in a town I once so loved. But gosh, I am so ready to be out of here!!!

I was far less focused on being by myself tonight and tried not to look at all all the couples surrounding me. One mother asked a teacher if her kid could get extra credit since both she and her husband were attending. Lucky kid, I thought to myself to have both parents but a pretty stupid request from a silly woman. Then I thought that extra credit should be given to every kid at the school who had an only parent attend. Wish I had had the nerve to make my request like silly, married woman did.

Labor Day

When I was a kid, Labor Day really meant that no one was working except at the hospital. If you needed gas or groceries you waited until Tuesday or prepared by buying them over the weekend. No one went out to McDonald's - we had cookouts with our family. Today that has all changed and what makes me feel sad is that the people I think need and probably deserve the break the most - those working in the service industry of sales and fast food, are actually still working on the day created to give everyone a rest!

Speaking of a rest. My oldest came home from college for the weekend, but this was not a planned visit. He advised me he was coming home while already on the train back. When he texted that he was bringing laundry, I actually groaned out loud. Laundry? I have to do MORE laundry over this holiday weekend? I did the laundry, although one of the nicer aspects of his being away is that there is less to do now. And for those who'd say I should have made him do the laundry, well his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with him, and she was the reason he came home in the first place. I let him sleep in and have a bit of a break before heading back.

I've heard of women in my town who have gone to visit their kids away at school and have spent weekends cleaning their apartments. I don't think I'll ever end up doing that. For one thing, I'm just too tired these days for any more 'labor" or any more than I have to do. I do believe that my tiredness and weariness in regard to housework and such does relate directly to the many years I've been doing it by myself.

I just read that having to make decisions on one's own constantly is a huge responsibility and ends up causing significant life stress. I can attest to that. Apparently a lot of the stress ends up being in regard to fear of making the wrong decisions and then having to live with oneself when a wrong decision is made! Anyway, it is hard to always be the one deciding everything and having to make decisions without input.

So as for labor, I'm ready for retirement and a very long rest with my feet up! (I'm not kidding.)

Awards & Validation

My sons are transitioning well into college and the senior year of high school.

My oldest is considering joining a business fraternity that offers internships to all its members. He claims that the members last year all got jobs within 3 months of graduation. He is doing well socially, but I knew that would be one of his strengths. When he auditioned for admittance into the music dept., the head of the music college was there, and was so impressed he invited my son out to lunch off campus for an opportunity to get to know him.

There was a period of a week and a half, when my son wanted to drop a class he didn't feel he'd do well in and his adviser was against the request. But that has been worked out within the time deadline and my son is much happier with his new class. It was a good exercise for him to have to stand up for himself and go after what he knew in his heart was the right decision. And to accomplish that on his own.

My youngest, went through a few tough days himself at the start of the year when all of his teachers kept making references to his older brother. But he has received a few "awards" of his own. His graphic arts teacher told him that he is one of the top two, if not top graphic artist in the school. As such, he was drafted to design the cover for the Fall Band Festival Program, the Homecoming Tickets and the Fall Play Posters. He has been working on the band design first since it is due on Tuesday and I have to say that the design and format are pretty incredible. I couldn't do what he does creatively and then with the computer. Good for him to finally get some recognition in an area his brother is not a star.

I feel sad at times that the boys' dad isn't here to experience the talents and awards of his sons. When I tell people, the few in my life I do talk to about my sons there isn't the sense of pride and warmth that would come from a parent experiencing the successes of one of their own. When my husband was alive it was enough to share the successes, talents and accomplishments of our boys with each other. With him gone, I find that I make and effort to tell someone the good news about my sons simply because I have to share it with someone. But oftentimes, the end result is one of disappointment because quite simply, no one can love your kids more than you do. They may nod and smile and say "that's nice," but it is somewhat rote and superficial. Just another "loss" to tick off on my list - for my sons and for me. And one that is taken for granted by those married or if not, still with a co-parent in which to share and bask in the joy that comes from having decent and pretty good kids. And I suppose I should add, that most kids are pretty good and decent. And most talented in something. So I do think that most parents share these moments together at certain points in their kids' lives - the soccer goals scored, the academic recognition, the band or orchestra solos...

Parents can get off on bragging about their offspring to each other. I sometimes fear that I may come across as a braggart or overly involved with my sons because when I talk to people I do mention the successes of my kids. But it's not like I'm going to dwell on what isn't going well for them (which thankfully has never been that much). Still, you know how there is always that PTA mom out there that has to brag about how her kids are in the gifted program (real example from my past). When she spreads it on thick it can get annoying. I spread it on because if I don't, I just might burst - I have to not because I'm overly singing my sons' praises. I think that when our kids do well, we can feel validated that we've also done something well. And boy of boy, do widows need to feel and hear that praise.

Realignment

When I dropped my son off at his dorm, they had a Route 66 decoration theme that I thought was very clever and cute. To me it is representative of these freshman students taking off on a road leading them to a new future. All summer long, we prepared for this adventure. I heard some of my friends complain that their kids were acting out by being defiant and rude. I struggled with my son being out til 2 a.m. hanging out with his friends. But otherwise he was a good kid all summer. Working hard at his job and playing baseball on a college league in his spare time which wasn't much. When I brought up how some of his friends were acting out, he scoffed and replied that our family didn't need him to be creating such drama - we'd already seen our share and we wouldn't put us through anymore.

I read in a book about parenting teens headed off to college, that the summer before departure is one of realigning relationships within the family. They also talked about this during our orientation at the college saying that kids act up to create distance between their families, which then makes it easier for them to leave.

One point in the book that I found especially interesting stressed that for single parents, this transition is especially difficult because of the multiple roles a single parent plays. Whenever I encounter a point like this I feel so validated. Someone out there understands how hard it is to be an only parent like I am. I am not crazy feeling so tired, drained, exhausted and frustrated after years of raising my sons on my own. Yes, there is a great part of me that is so proud of how successful my sons are turning out. But it is often trumped by those other feelings which seem to overpower the good.

In my opinion, based on personal experience and my training in psychology, widowhood is far more complicated than people expect or acknowledge. There are so many conflicting layers such as this one: a parent taking on multiple roles. Most people don't stop and think of the complications. They just make comparisons based on other parents. It is rare to come across anyone who makes the distinction between a two-parent unit and a single or only parent one. I just find it an added burden to always be compared to the status quo when I'm so far from it. And I continue to wish that more people were aware of the issues facing only parents. I'm not sure any great changes would come of it. But simply for the public to have some more awareness of what only parent families face, may garner some sympathy and compassion for them in the future. And maybe that would be enough of a change to be helpful for others traveling this road that will follow me with younger children to raise.

Harvest Time

I passed these bursting berries on a tree and thought that they were a good representation of my sons being launched off into the world. Here it is harvest time and all of nature's bounty is ready to be harvested after the growing season and nourishment of Mother Earth. I guess I see myself as this tree, caring for and helping these berries grow until they reach their potential. The tree has done its job, as have I. One boy is off to college, the other leaving in a year for his college years.

As an only parent, mothering two fatherless sons for almost 10 years now (counting the two my husband was mostly hospitalized), I know that I have pretty much devoted my entire being and focus to raising these young men. It has really taken a lot out of me. Would I do it all over again? Without a doubt but I know first hand the challenges and hardships facing only parents and how much better a situation it is for all involved when two parents are actively raising a family vs. only one.

I am somewhat at odds with my life at this point. Realizing now for the first time how much I need to create a new life for myself because once this year is over, my primary job and focus will no longer exist as I have known and lived it for a decade. I have no hubby to distract me or plan trips with or retire with - I have no career to fall back on. My sons have been my everything and now I'm about to set them free into their first years of young adulthood.

What I am saying is that I need to get a life for myself pretty darn quick! I have a year. I am sure people could point out that the world is my oyster right now and I can dream to accomplish anything. But I don't think it is so easy sometimes. I'm very tired and drained from the past 10 years; I don't have a hubby to support my efforts to go back to school, move or get updated job training. My circle of friends has diminished to a very small circle indeed so at this point the world seems very immense and the oyster seems very, very minute in comparison.

Alone - Really Alone!

Yeah! I am able to post again! Some weeks ago I snapped this photo at a summer festival my girlfriend and I attended. I kept noticing anyone that was alone. For some reason I have really felt the effects of being on my own for a number of years now. I think it has to do with reaching the milestone of getting one son off to college and really having a perspective of how much that has taken to accomplish on my own.

Another revelation that happened occurred on July 4th. My girlfriend has a party/bbq that day since her divorce and my husband's death. This year my sons were in Lake Geneva, WI boating, but I still attended. Also there, was an old neighbor of my friend, a single mom of three adopted kids. She has had a tough time of it. Her children were born with numerous birth defects from a drug-addicted mom. Anyway, whenever we get together which is a couple of times a year, this mom monopolizes the conversation and goes on and on about how difficult her life is, etc. I try to offer constructive advice and I have to say that I even find it a change to listen to someone who is also struggling. But at the same time, about an hour or two into the conversation it gets pretty old and even I want to shut this woman up. "OK enough already! This is such a downer! I can't stand listening anymore to your problems. Please try and look at things with a more positive attitude..."

Then I remember that this woman doesn't have anyone to talk to, confide in or simply vent to. Getting together with my girlfriend and I are often the only times she has to ask for a second opinion or relate the obstacles she is trying to overcome. I realize that I might sound like a downer when I talk to others too, and that I probably have in the past. Basically, because when you live alone, you end up with all this stuff that needs to get out and to be shared with others. And when that happens you let loose.

It was an odd realization to find myself feeling annoyed with this woman, even when I understood the reasons for her monopolizing the conversation and why it had such a negative slant. Even worse to see myself in her behavior. And still worse to comprehend on a larger scale the effects of living alone and to see them play out before my eyes.

BOO!

Caught these costumed mice in my grocery store's floral dept. the other day and noted that Halloween is still over three months away! I love seeing how early I'll spot holiday items months before the actual date. But anyway, my youngest son mentioned that I haven't been blogging much and that is true of late. It is a strange and disorientating summer. I suppose a lot has to do with my oldest going off to college. They talked about family transitions at the college orientation and maybe for us/me it is even more of one.

I know that in the weeks leading up to my son's graduation I was journeying into a funky mood. It has not abated. The best I can do to describe it is to explain that for many, many years now my entire focus and energy has been on getting my sons out of high school successfully, and from this specific high school at that. Now that that day has come for my oldest with the youngest to follow next year, it is as though I have abruptly lost that focus. I feel at loose ends, without direction and unsure of my immediate future.

I do know that I cannot remain living in this area on my own. I don't make enough to live comfortably and just keeping our heads above water has become too wearing on my being and soul. The traffic and large population of our area is also getting to me. I long for a rural place, more quiet and slower paced. I have no idea what career direction I'll take. I want to work for 20 more years but have not done well figuring out how I can harness an out-dated master's degree in psychology into a position that will be personally rewarding to me and helpful to the world and others. I guess I can try and focus on that after my oldest goes off to college and I have more free time.

There is this huge part of me that just wants me to be gone from this place, right now, immediately! But I have promised to be here for my youngest, who already feels slighted by the successes of his older brother. I owe him that and I will honor that commitment. How can one year seem so endless in duration?

Part of me is just so darned tired too. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. The past eight years of only parenting have been very stressful and have taken a toll. I am lacking in spirit and energy. The excessive heat and endless storms we keep having here doesn't help.

People in the past have told me that I've been so strong. That is not true. I just did the best I could under sometimes pretty tough circumstances. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That is still happening now but I must say it is more of a rote/automatic process and I seem to have lost something. I had a goal I was working very hard toward (getting my sons through school) and now that I have almost fully accomplished that I am left hanging... Living alone, without a partner adds to the mix. There is no one here to divert my thoughts or to refocus on.

I have come to know that transitions are hard on us all. But maybe for widows they're a little harder to face and move through.