Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Unmotivated and Hot, so Hot!

Garden Inspiration
I long to have a garden next summer and am hoping that by that time I am rested, restored and reinvigorated enough to have the energy to create one. As of now, I am unmotivated and very, very hot. This summer's heat wave has not been a good thing in regard to moving. The apartment is often 95 degrees even with the air on and I just can't get my energy up to start going through stuff and then packing it. This move has me feeling utterly overwhelmed to the point of inaction. I just don't want to have to do anything "hard" again on my own. 

My last move, a heavy box feel on my foot and although it was probably not broken, I was unable to walk for a good two weeks. I was so bruised over my body as well from the physical carrying and lifting of boxes. I remember the physical and emotional exhaustion of that time, and quite frankly am resisting going back there. I know I am a broken record about this but doing everything on one's own 24/7 doesn't in my opinion make someone stronger - I just feel myself getting weaker and now just totally wanting to escape from the responsibility of yet another major task solo.

I wish I could leave all my possessions and belongings behind - literally not have to deal with them. But that is not practical or possible because I don't have the money to be able to buy new furnishings and such. 

I know that I should just start packing up a box - anything, anywhere, just do something. But I seem to be stalling til the last minute. I truly feel emotionally and physically drained from the experiences over the years involving my husband's illness, death and then only parenting. I need some advice on how to quickly regain some fighting spirit to get me through this move and will consult with my counselor tomorro


  1. My dear Friend:

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I am there with you. I have been trying to move from my house for a year now. It has been hard to do with running back and forth from this house to my parents' to help with my mom, still taking care of my youngest who will be in her senior year and knowing what that all entails, preparing for my son to head out to the military, and being totally exhausted from the "normal" and not so normal tasks of everyday living.

    I have made some progress but it goes in spurts. I have a storage facility and have moved things there, thrown away things, given away things, but somehow, it just doesn't look like much has been accomplished. It seems to grow!

    My husband and I made a great team when it came to moving. We moved several times earlier in our marriage, then our last move into this house a year and a half before he died. Never would I have dreamed that I would have to move out of here alone. I do not have the finances for someone to move me, so it is on me to keep sorting, throwing, giving, packing, moving. I, like you, are exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. I GET IT!!!

    I hope and pray that this will be your last move for quite awhile and that you will find that special place that you can call your home, where you can plant a garden, feel peace and security and share it with new friends.

    I am glad you are going to a counselor. I have recently returned to mine after several years of not needing to go. Some tough things I need to sort out.

    I hope you will always know that you are a very courageous woman and that reading your blog encourages me, in that you have not given up. You keep going no matter what. You speak for many who struggle and just aren't able to share. I am cheering you on!

    And by the way, I hate the heat, which makes it so much harder! :(

    Much love to you!!

  2. Beth - It means the world to me, truly, to know that someone else out there gets all this. While I hate to know that there is another woman dealing with this, knowing that you feel some of the same things as I, makes me less worried that there is something wrong with me because I am just so plain exhausted!

    I, too, have been going through things etc., yet there doesn't seem to be much progress. It is a slow process and more so doing it on one's own.

    The weather is supposed to be cooler the next few days and I have promised myself to go at it and pack up as much as possible. Then I'll step back after the weekend to evaluate my progress.

    I really, really wish I could afford a packer and mover. When I moved three years ago just across town it cost me $2,000.00 and I said never again. This time I am doing all my own packing and renting one of those U-Haul trucks. I will have to find someone to help me take apart my Queen size bed and remove the mirror from the back of the dresser.

    I am glad you are back with your counselor. I felt a bit defeated that I had the need to go back, but today my counselor told me she is so happy to be working with me and that I still have a lot of anger over the unfairness of my life to get through. I need to learn how to channel my anger constructively.

    I think of you with your mom and son, all that is on your plate and your transitions too. Tomorrow I'll send you out a prayer as I'm packing. Your message to me has been a great inspiration to me today!

  3. Just amazing. I am so wonder after visit your post. You've done really excellent work. I'll visit your blog again.

  4. My little piece of advice: Please, please, please believe you will have a garden next summer. Then, fixing this in your mind, know that the wretchedness of this moving experience will pass, and the new garden will be yours, offering you nourishment and peace.

    I wish I lived closer to help you through this. I'll be in your area the second week of September. If this is useful, let me know!!

  5. Thanks for your kind comment LAD and for yours too, Flo.