Monday, July 9, 2012

Taking Summer Stock

Grilling Season
Today I woke up with the intention of forcing myself to face the day. Groaning and moaning aren't going to accomplish anything. I am working on some financial aid matters for my youngest and even called for some information about school for me. Again, I was informed of the same bad news - my master's degree is essentially worthless and if I want to practice as a licensed counselor in Illinois, I'll have to get another master's in psych/counseling. The school I talked to today quoted me a cost of 60 grand for their 2-year program, which is of course out of the question at this point. I will have to attend a state school for financial reasons if I do decide to go back.

The reality of this news is just crushing me. I knew about this a few years back but was able to keep it away some distance by concentrating on parenting my sons. Now that I'll be facing the job market this issue needs to be confronted head-on. I can't keep it at bay any longer. My career goal is to be able to have my own practice in the areas of grief/elder care. But to accomplish that I'll have to get training/education. 

The empty-nest transition I'm looking at dead in the eye would be easier I think if I had a career or job to hang on to. But I'm hitting this empty-nest life without one, along with moving to a new community. I don't have a partner/husband/guy friend to help fill the soon-to-be free hours with time and attention either. I'm starting to feel scared and empty.

This is all becoming a bit more for me to bear on my lonesome. I called my health insurance plan this a.m. to see if I have mental counseling coverage and my plan allows for UNLIMITED coverage. So I got a local referral so I can start talking to someone about all these changes to my life. I will post about any revelations related to longer-term widowhood and the transitions that result.

Interestingly, I am becoming very teary-eyed of late. I feel as though I am emotionally regressing. I have strong feelings of anger about my husband's death, which you'd think after 8 years would have lessened. Now that I don't have the boys to think about so much, my mind is going back to the bad stuff. I feel such sadness and loss that my husband isn't here to share in the boys' academic successes. And I am also upset and cross about feeling so tired and worn down. I think the real RX is a vacation STAT!

But anyway, I'll update about any new developments to mood and outlook.


  1. Really tough stuff to go through!! I can relate to the empty nest after having gone through it last year. All you can do is take baby steps...and reach out to people. At times you WILL be rejected, but that's the price you pay to find a few 'gems':)

    What about the knitting group you belonged to? Could you find a volunteer organization you would ENJOY spending time with? I tried a few before I found one that was a 'fit' for me. Also, that could help you find employement (until you decide on options for continuing your education). A directorship at a social services agency perhaps... just throwing out ideas to you, I apologize if I am overstepping my bounds!!

    Anyhow, it took time, but I built a life, step by step. Have a few 'old friends' (left), made some new ones and re-affirmed some family relationships. (I am in a romantic relationship now too, but I think that is a result of working on "me" first!) By the way, a fabulous counselor helped me take control of my life. I wish you the same luck:)

    That's what worked for me...I hope you find what works for you, because you deserve a happy, happy life! You can do it...

  2. Almost thirteen years, I still have feelings of anger towards my wonderful, deceased husband... For many things.... not leaving enough money to take care of my needs- He was only 39 when he died, I was 44. Leaving me with a huge house with big bills to take care of. In the same year, I lost a job I had for 17 years and loved, and made great money doing, my beautiful daughter graduated from College, and got married, and he died. Talk about empty nest! I even get mad at him occassionally, because I think he just isn't listening and sending some crumbs from heaven... you know a lottery win, a better job, new friends. LOL. It is OKAY to feel the way you are feeling... angry, alone, scared.... Feel 'em all. Vent away.... Just don't stay in those feelings for too long. And, the romance, I've learned when I have operated from a place of being needy, and wanting love and companionship so much, I've attracted the kind of men who are operating from the same lack. Not a good thing. Those have never ended well. When romance enters my life again (and I believe it will) it will be because I am strong, competent, and whole... and that is exactly the kind of man I will attract as well! Hang in there. You deserve a great life too and it is on the horizon....

  3. Wow, thanks ladies for your fabulous comments! I am looking forward to checking out a social group that volunteers at a different location every week - that might help me with job contacts too. Also, I will attend a couple churches to try and find one with a good fit for me. So that will be fun.

    I am wary of starting any kind of romantic relationships until my life is more solid, whole and settled. I do not want to be in a place of neediness and weakness. My youngest told me he knows what my therapist will end up saying to me - that this is my time and to enjoy it, etc. My problem is that I just don't know how to go about taking control of my life. So hopefully, counseling will help with that direction.