Mood has been widely fluctuating as of late. Am glad I have started to speak with a counselor. Her take on things is that #1 Widowhood is a very lonely road, #2 Now that I've successfully raised the boys and they are both off to college, there is no one to thank me, appreciate my efforts or celebrate with me and #3 since I have more time to think, now that the focus is off getting both boys out of high school in this community, my mind can wander and go back to grief/loss/anger issues. She likened it to a door that has been closed now opening, meaning that I'd put some of the issues I need to deal with aside in lieu of concentrating on raising my sons.
I continue to just feel drained and exhausted. What is really getting me down is the prospect of moving in a few weeks - the actual physical packing and so on. I am really so sick and tired of facing all these major life transitions on my own. At the end of May I dealt with my youngest son's shoulder surgery. My close girlfriend had her ex-husband with her in the waiting room when her son had the exact same surgery back in January. She said she needed him there and wouldn't have been able to get through it on her own. Well, I can say she would have made it through because I got through it alone. She kindly offered to be there with me but then a conflict at her job arose. I insisted that she not take a day off from work. In fact, I told her that I have gotten used to being on my own. And maybe that is true that I'm used to it but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
So I'll get through the packing, hauling and moving. I have to. What needs to get done does get done. And in the meantime, I want to be more hopeful and positive about the future. To focus on new beginnings and all that. I will close by relating that I hope the future brings with it some stability. When I was married I felt content, secure and stable. Widowhood has brought with it such disparity and instability. Marriage was predictable for the most part - I knew what to expect and if something unusual came up, at least I had a partner with me to help navigate the unknown.
So I think simply by its nature, that widowhood is an erratic and unique experience. Here I am, having to make another major move during a time of intense transition (becoming an empty-nester). I am envious of married folks who haven't lost their homes and had to pack up their lives and possessions. That experience in and of itself has been a pretty damming one in my life.
Widowhood for me has been like falling off this cliff - the past years I've tried vainly to land someplace safe but I think that I've only been able to grab a temporary stronghold until that has broken loose and I've fallen again. I do so dearly hope, that this next chapter will allow me to land someplace a little more firmly so I can create a measure of peace and stability greatly desired and needed.
I am also somewhat frustrated by the huge range of emotions I feel widowhood and now this new transition have brought with it. I am trying to spin the situation positively but at the same time seem so overcome by what is coming out with the empty-nest stuff. The turmoil that goes on internally in all directions, the ups and downs of this life situation can be hard to face and manage.