Cumulative Effects

This is going to be a crappy post - be forewarned - you don't have to read if you're looking for positive stuff. That's just not in me today. Over the years I've gotten a fair share of criticism that these posts are far too negative. So I feel guilty for blogging. And then I feel a need to explain myself. Which I don't really think is necessary. I mean this is my blog, my posts, my thoughts. I should be able to do whatever I want with this. But I guess I do want to clarify that for the most part I try and put on a good game face - most of the time. There are still times like this though when like the photo of the tree, I just feel so broken, down and out - dispirited and lonely. Sick and tired of holding up the fort for the boys and I, weary of the day-to-day doing it all on my own...

Then the tide shifts and I'm back at it with more confidence and strength. Though the point is, I think that people do break down from the load. They snap and tumble. There seems to be this belief (false) that widows need to keep strong and at it. Whenever I break and fall it is like I have failed and people aren't sympathetic - sometimes even other widows. "Too bad," I say. This is the nature of extended widowhood. All the crap about becoming stronger because you have to do everything on your own. Years ago I used to respond to that silly phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" with the exact opposite - "What doesn't make you stronger does indeed kill you." Or maybe I should say instead of killing you, weakens you. 

 Widowhood can be a very wearying life because of the emotional and physical intensity involved. It is taxing. I have nothing positive to say about the widowhood experience. Hence, since I'm blogging about long-term widowhood, my posts tend to have a negative vibe. This has begun to really bother me. Maybe it is better to stop posting - I've struggled with this on and off since I've been posting. But I will leave that contemplation for another time.

Here in greater Chicago suburbia, we were hit with a violent storm last Sunday that knocked out power for many for days - til Thursday! Our community fire works and 4th of July parade and celebrations were all cancelled, which was sad. Then there was the excessive heat - a record of 3, 100-degree days in a row for this area. The heat was hellish. It made me think about extremes. Since widowhood, I have just hated anything that is extreme - frigid cold that is 40 degrees below zero; 12 inch snow storms and in summer crazy storms and hideous heat. 

I just want life to be smooth sailing without the extremes - day after day of predictable 70 degree weather with no rain and only sun.

Someone recently reminded me that real life isn't like this - for most of us, it involves dealing with major bumps along the road. Upon thinking about this I believe for me, that I don't do well handling significant stress (bumps in the road) on my own. In school I always preferred working in a group vs. on my own. The same for marriage or being in a relationship. Even in high school/college, I did not like being alone and sought out relationships.

When last Sunday's storm hit, I thought it was a tornado and I was frightened. Part of me inside said, "Oh no, I have to deal with this alone - I don't want to do this alone - I want someone here beside me helping me figure out what to do. I want and need someone to provide mutual comfort and support."

I think a lot of this current state of mind comes from my starting to become even more freaked out by both my sons going off to college. The realization that I will really be living alone, on my own, in a home completely alone for most of the year is really dawning on me. All these years I've been so focused on my boys and getting them raised on my own - that was my main job and occupation. And I realize now that for the most part I won't have that daily focus anymore. I've been alone in parenthood the past years but now I'm going to be really, really alone. This transition is disconcerting to me. 

I read recently that some people "hide" behind their marriages. Perhaps I'm guilty of hiding behind my parenting. It did become a focus and source of my energy to go on after my husband's death. I've put pretty much all of my focus and energy into it. So I am realizing that there isn't a lot of substance remaining in terms of a job or friends or new partner. Of course I am aware that now I will have the freedom and energy to devote time to myself - meet new friends, maybe travel a bit, have fun, be a little selfish, explore job options. And that is exciting and good. 

But bottom line, there is still loss involved in this new phase of my life. And along with "extremes," I'm not up for more loss. My personal insight into that comment about everyone having to face stress in life and bumps along the road, is that of course that is true. But maybe the difference between facing the bumps or "extremes" as I am feeling them is that life can be easier faced with the love, support and hands of others be they partners, family or friends. Facing life endlessly alone isn't healthy or productive. Widows hopefully can call on others for some support and help. But there is still a gap - like those 10 minutes of experiencing 90-per-mile winds alone.

Well, I could go on and on in this vein because it is one of those things that doesn't really have an immediate resolution. It is what it sadly is.

The heat wave broke late last night and it is about 83 degrees right now. Yeah! As it is in nature, the storm passes and normalcy is restored. I've vented and released some of the fear and sadness I'm experiencing about this new phase of my life. I just remembered something the weather people kept referring to over the week - "cumulative effects of the heat." Our bodies keep increasing the effects of the heat over time leading to more stress and strain on our systems. The same could be likened to widowhood and its cumulative effects as well.

Creating Intimacy

Two by Two

When I was married, I never felt alone. I had an adult partner to talk to, interact and sleep with. My husband was a companion and helpmate, a co-parent. Since his death I have realized that in order to have emotional interactions with others, I have to make the effort to create intimacy. It just isn't there like it was when I lived with a married partner. I have also since realized the great necessity we all have for emotional intimacy. I believe it is a deep human need and truly important for our emotional well being, health and survival.

It is hard to always have to create what we need. It becomes a job, an effort. I have been reflecting on these feelings since an encounter with a fellow widow, a mom my age of two daughters, both in college. We have been trying to get together for about a year now. She has been widowed five years to my eight. I was really looking forward to talking to her, especially about her empty-nest experiences and feelings.

This woman was at a recent graduation party I attended and I made a point to set up a "date." She invited me to her home for a pizza dinner. Now her sister overheard us making our plans and "invited" herself to join us. The woman looked about as distressed as I felt with this development - we had wanted an opportunity to talk and relate privately about our lives with someone on our same page. She assured me that she would take care of her sister so we could meet alone.

When I showed up at her home I was actually angry and bitter to see the sister there. I felt irritated and resentful. It took a few moments for me to compose myself and go with the flow so I had a decent evening. Then to top it off, the widow's mom showed up as well! But by that time I was resigned to the situation. Fellow widow and I didn't get the opportunity to share and support one another. The conversation flowing was more general than I hoped. Widow's youngest daughter was there too and we talked a lot about her Freshman year experience.

But what I had really hoped for was some time to let my hair down with another widow and compare notes so to speak. This didn't happen and it made me sad because it is difficult to arrange intimate encounters - they don't occur every day and it seemed that an opportunity had been lost to uplift two widows in need.

This other widow has a very close and supportive family and that was sure evident. I thought that her family was actually kind of intrusive and I had to control myself from speaking my mind. What would I have said? Probably something along the line of people needing to be more considerate of a widow's need to vent with someone who shares her circumstances. I also would have said something about how married people have a built-in intimacy factor, even if they aren't particularly close. Just living with another adult under the same roof    provides some level of intimacy. My divorced girlfriend has become so aware of this that it is difficult for her to be in social situations where the wives put down their hubbies. She actually has to leave if this happens.

This whole situation just soured me. We'd all just been together at the graduation party so this was supposed to be a time of private healing for fellow widow and I. Instead, it was just another group event without the one-on-one intimacy I crave and miss in my current life. There was definitely irritation at the sister who is married and invited herself to join us - a sort of mean reaction by me against this woman for not being able to get past what she needed (selfishness).

As I left for the evening, fellow widow whispered to me that we'd go out to dinner next time alone. Hopefully we can manage to get together sooner than the year it took last time.

On the Road

Where am I going?

I am beginning to feel a bit anxious about the upcoming empty-nest aspect of my life soon approaching. The articles I have found online do indicate that widowed empty-nesters may have a more difficult time adjusting than those who are coupled.

I realize how much of my life energy I have poured into raising my sons the past years. That focus is what kept me going through some pretty challenging times. But now that that focus is lessened, I do feel empty and kind of without a purpose. It doesn't help that I'm not employed and still don't have a place to call my future home, although I am working on that.

So, I need to find a job and then figure out what to do with my career - go back to school for yet another degree? Why not? I'll have lots of free time to research and write papers.

Then I need to revamp my social life which is sadly lifeless at this point. I will have to relearn how to take care of my needs and wants for a change. I'm actually wondering if that is even possible at this point - I've been such a caregiver of others all my life.

Those tasks now seem rather daunting to me. And they are on top of still managing all the little details of life on my own.

I'm extremely tired and weary. The only-parenting took a toll out of me - much more than the grief of my husband's death.

It appears that this next chapter will continue to include some bumps in the road. I'm trying to feel excited and energized about free time and less financial strain. But while I can see some of the pluses, I also realize that they come with even more loss - both of my boys at college and me really ALONE. It is a joyful time in celebrating my sons' successes, yet bittersweet because it is a time of adjustment and change - YET AGAIN! I just feel that widowhood has been this endless journey of adjustment and change and what I need and long for is a period of predictable stability and sameness. Without the loneliness and being alone too.

Country View

Peace in the Country

I have been busy the past few weeks looking after my youngest who had surgery on his shoulder May 30th. My older son and I have also been hitting the highway in my search for a new home in the country. Relocating to a rural setting, which has been my dream the past three years is turning out not to be such an enjoyable experience. I think this is because I have such a short deadline in which to find a place to live, as my current lease expires at the end of July and I have given notice. I am also experiencing first hand that old reality that when you need something you can't find it, whereas when you don't need it, there it is! Over the past year when I couldn't move yet, I found numerous great opportunities. Now it seems that well is dry and I feel a bit discouraged.  

Got to keep the faith and all that. Being able to move out of suburban Chicago sprawl and into a more laid-back and relaxed location has been the dream I've held on to the past three years since having to sell and move from my home. That dream kept me going during some pretty trying times so I've got to hold on now that I really am ready and able to move. But this weekend I am taking a break from the stress and fatigue of travel and house hunting to hang around and cook a nice meal, catch up on the ever constant laundry cycle and so on.

What Really Matters

"The _________ Scholarship is awarded to three students. The students selected for this award have exhibited the following traits; integrity, loyalty to friends, responsibility, industriousness, competitive involvement in school activities, sincerity and honesty. This year's recipients will receive a scholarship which will be paid to the university of their choice. This year's recipients are:
1. __________
2. __________
3. My younger son!"

I was surprised at the Senior Honors Assembly when my son received this award. I had attended the function, thinking he was going to receive a plaque for community involvement. It turns out that will be sent to him. And as it turns out, this award is far, far better because it involves a substantial monetary amount that will alleviate my freaking out over the cost of college textbooks for both Freshman year semesters and then some!

In a way, this award is a fitting symbol of our journey up to this point. It really signifies what has been most important to me in raising my sons on my own. Not that these traits wouldn't have been important had my husband remained alive. It is that since his death, I have realized how much more of value these traits are.

When I related these traits to someone who knows my son, he nodded and agreed that they are an accurate description of him.

Integrity
Loyalty
Responsibility
Industriousness
Involvement
Sincerity
Honesty

To know that my son, as well as my eldest, have learned and incorporated these traits into their beliefs and actions makes me truly proud. Because these are traits that I have tried to live my life by. Widowhood has been a great challenge for me. I joke that I have not been a particularly successful widow. But joking aside, to reach this point with the knowledge that despite all the hardships and difficulties, there is some success, brings a measure of comfort.

A Bit of Comfort and Peace

It is hard for me to believe that my oldest has successfully completed his first year of college! He just got his second semester grades - all As except for a C+ in English. His professor was very difficult - she failed him on one paper for using the wrong font and another because he only turned in 4 1/2 pages instead of 5. I told him it wouldn't be a full college experience without having a tough professor. He'll be telling stories about her 10 years from now!

When I dropped him off last August I didn't really know how he would do academically. He was a lack luster high schooler. I hoped for the best and he exceeded my expectations. There were plenty of kids on his dorm floor that flunked out first semester. One guy he told me, NEVER attended any of his classes! So I am proud and relieved! It all worked out. And it did go quickly looking back.

My youngest has just two days of official school left. I was called on Wednesday by the school and invited to the Senior Honors Assembly because my son will be receiving an award. The school told me not to tell him because they want the kids to be surprised but he suspects he will be getting something. He is in a very strange, moody spell. I know he isn't happy that he has to have surgery on his shoulder the end of this month but it is not an option. Anyway, he told me he doesn't want me to attend the honors assembly because "high school is stupid." And now he doesn't want to even walk in his graduation although he will be receiving a special tassel. I suspect the award is for community involvement and citizenship - when the guidance office called, they didn't know what the kids were getting. They just got a list of the student names. Now he is telling me that he did a lot of his high school activities to help bolster his college applications so because his efforts weren't entirely unselfish, he shouldn't be getting an award.

Right now my son is participating in the American Cancer Relay for Life. Yes, it is because his Dad died of cancer. My oldest son, has been a big participant in this event too. And yes, my son is a regular blood donor as was his father. But the way I look at it, he is up and doing something - not sitting on his bottom like other kids. Last year there wasn't an award given for community involvement. I am proud and honored my son will be receiving it this year and only wish he wasn't in so much of a weird, end-of-senior-year-funk.

Raising two boys through late childhood and their teenage years on my own has sure had its trying moments! I keep trying to believe when all is said and done, that what I'll remember the most will be the good times and not the bad. That 10 years from now, hopefully what I'll most recall is the award my son received and not his demand that I not see him receive it.

Wings

I have some spare time waiting for laundry so will post about a topic that usually makes me happy - my sons. I'll be picking up my college boy soon. It is hard to believe that he has finished his first year of college! If you had told me two years ago that we'd be able to get him to college at a state school instead of the local community college I would not have believed you. But we did it! And he has done so well!

I will purposely omit the story about his going to Volleyball Nationals in Kansas City for a week in March and only having a loaf of bread and package of cold cuts to eat along with some Ramen Noodles...

But anyway, when your kids leave home you end up hoping for the best - that they will be good citizens, law abiding, fair, honest, decent and so on. Not to mention hard working. My son became very concerned about his grades and GPA. In part, because he is paying for a large share of his schooling. He worked productively and was one of only about 7 students to get a job at the college Athletic Center for next year. He will be working in the equipment room and the head of the center told him that he interviewed the best out of the applicants. By the way, about 150 students applied for the Athletic Center jobs!

I asked him about his music composing because he has been so gifted at that. He told me that he has branched off in a new direction doing DJ stuff on the computer. He learned how to play the piano in three weeks and just got an A on his piano final. In his Vocal Jury, his professor came to him afterward which is not the norm, to tell him how well the jury all felt he had done. His music adviser heard his DJ compositions and told him to try selling them online now for commercial use. She said it is pretty amazing that he has only been involved in that type of composing since starting college, and has come up with some very top notch pieces. She further told him that music is a very tough business to be in but she believes that he truly has the talent to continue successfully in the field. So he is very fired up about continuing his music major.

My son worked as many hours as he could during all his school breaks and will continue at his local job here at home. But he can start at the Athletic Center early over the summer and is eager for that to begin. They love him there - he worked out every day and practiced for the volleyball team two nights a week so he already knows a lot of people there.

Although he would love to join a fraternity, he feels it might be too much to do so with his campus job and being on the volley ball team. Oh, I forgot to add, that they only took 9 team members to Nationals - as a Freshman that was a pretty exciting opportunity.

My son is happy to have a break from studying and is happy to see his friends from high school. But I told him that after a week he will probably want to go back to school! Haha.

My youngest has his shoulder surgery scheduled for May 30th. He only has 8 more days left of school and is so ready to be at college. He plans on becoming a Dorm Resident Adviser. He has done well academically the last years of high school and will be studying Business Marketing and Advertising. There is also interest in teaching like his dad so he might pursue that as well.

ALL of us are ready to find a new place to live out in the country. It would be ideal if we can get a place halfway between both of the boys' colleges. I will be looking at two places when I pick up my son. At this point we have only two more months left on my lease and time is of the essence to find a new home. It is becoming an exciting time of transition for all of us. Moving away is actually a good thing for all of us right now. It is symbolic of us going forward and reaching toward new directions. Moving also gives us a fresh, new start and that is something positive for my family as well.

Here is to the future and new beginnings - and to my sons continuing to open their wings - and to me flying forward!