Final Push

My youngest asked me why I hadn't decorated for Halloween, which I haven't - prior widowhood, I was Mrs. Holiday Decorator with a capital "D." I told him that honestly I just don't feel up to it this year. We are in the final year of our apt. lease here and this time next year will have moved. I haven't ever considered this place home - it has always been viewed as a temporary stop on the road and now, all I want is to be away.

The thought of lugging out decorations from the storage shed absolutely overwhelms me. Then setting them up and having to put them away again. I try and put a homemade wreath on the door every month and that is the extent of my holiday spirit, whichever holiday we're celebrating.

I've started to worry about Christmas because I'll do a little something for the boys. But it will be very little and a homespun, homemade celebration.

I've been contemplating my feelings about being so anxious to move and leave this community. It is way past time to do so. In just four months I plan to start looking for a new home! That's it - only four months! On one hand those months seem like a blink of an eye. On the other, they seem endless, especially since they involve the two coldest months of the year to get through.

I know what they say about living fully in the present and not dwelling on the past or future. But I can't seem to stop myself from looking on Realtor.com on a daily basis and focusing on the spring.

Part of me is totally sick of this life as it exists here and has for the past few years. I've reached my limit on holding it all together. I feel upset with myself for being weak in the sense that I'm not able to balance my life right now. By that I mean, appreciate and concentrate on the here and now. If anyone has any suggestions, hints or ideas feel free to add a comment.

I can remember those first few years of widowhood, when looking to the future was torment. I just wish widowhood didn't bring with it such imbalance. It would be nice to have a more even keel life where past, present and future can be neatly arranged and lived. But maybe all that flew out the window when I became widowed. I don't know, just musings...

What Happens to the Widows?

I was thinking today of the widows who used to blog but have not done so in numerous months. It makes me wonder what happened to them and how they are doing. One was a woman my age, widowed for about the same amount of time with her son off to college. Did she start a business or go back to school? Have others become more used to their situations or met someone and become so busy they don't have the interest or need to blog anymore?

Would I even continue blogging if I was going out or had a fuller career right now? I'm not sure I would. Some of my blogging comes from the amount of free time I have when I'm home alone. I hope that all changes when I go back to school and have to write papers and study.

I am moving into a new era of my life, thankfully. But I'm not there yet. A few more months to go... Until that time I will blog about widowhood as I see and experience it. And I hope to find out what happened to the other widows because it is important to hear their voices and gain from their growth, experience and perspectives.

A New Path

My youngest has completed and sent off his college applications (5) and the computer is finally free for my use. Now is the waiting game to see where he gets accepted. And now it is my turn for that process. I played around last night looking for schools offering social work programs. Nothing with the right fit - and I was a bit worried today thinking about it. There weren't a lot of schools offering the program at the graduate level. A benefit of living in the Chicago suburbs is that there are numerous schools in and around Chicago to attend.

A plus of looking at school possibilities was that today I was less consumed with worry about finances. It felt good to be thinking of something else regarding my future and hope for my new life.

This afternoon after work, I was at it again determined to make some headway in trying to find potential schools. And I found a program that starts this summer and looks as if I would be easily accepted into. I called the university at 5:15 and someone actually answered the phone taking my number for a call back on Monday with more info. But it is exciting to be actively focused and involved in trying to move forward for a better life. The program is an evening program, which has some attraction to me. I also like that it starts in the summer and I wouldn't have to wait until next fall.

Mid-life brings change. Empty-nesters go back to school or pursue new interests. I have heard of another mom going to school for social work now that her kids are all in college. I think it is different though and harder for widows. The mom I know of has a husband, she hasn't had to face financial trials or move from her home. Widows bear the brunt of having to recreate themselves totally on their own without the support of spouses. And that can be a trial.

I want to be and feel vital, vibrant and productive again. I know to achieve that I will need to keep traveling down this new path. And I do wish it were easier. I wish I had a supportive husband behind me. I wish I weren't even having to make these life choices and changes. If my husband hadn't died, I doubt I would be contemplating going back to school or moving. Widowhood forces one to take a path unplanned and unwanted. But there is no other choice.

Hope Wherever I Can Find It

It was a very emotional Dancing With The Stars week. Each contestant devoted their dance to a meaningful year in their life. Ricki Lake related that she had lost her home to a fire and had reached a point in her life where she felt she would never remarry again. But she said, "Never say never." Because it was during this period of hardship that she did find love again! She told the audience that she was sharing this to give others hope, so they will not give up. All in all, it was a very touching segment and I felt stronger and inspired by Ricki's story.

Had to go to the dreaded local Walmart to pickup a prescription for my son. As usual, the line in the pharmacy is a 45-minute wait. I picked up an all you magazine at the counter and had finished it by the time I finally got my turn. I decided to purchase it because of a couple good recipes in the issue that I'd like to try. And there were some cute Fall crafts. Most importantly, there was a story about a divorced mom of three, around my age, who ended up moving to a small town and downsizing to a 1,300 square foot home - exactly the house size I am aiming for! I liked what what the woman had to say about downsizing and frugal living and again reading the story inspired me and gave me strength.

I will get through the next school year while my son finishes his senior high school year. I will move to a small town community and will be living there next year at this time! I will go back to school to get back into a social services career. And love will be a part of my future!

Long-term Widowhood

This is a wreath I made my girlfriend some years back. It was on her door when I went by last Saturday night. We have a standing ritual that after every "school-parent-activity," such as taking Homecoming Dance photos, we either go out for wine or stay in with snacks and wine.

September is gone. Wow! Fast and furious. I was out of the loop most of the month - under the weather with this terrible chest cold thing. It wasn't until this weekend that I'm feeling more myself. And the cough is still lingering... Then there were still those problems posting my posts, so I kind of gave up blogging and took the month off in a way. Still went to work, tended to my son at home and so on. But was pretty lackluster and unmotivated. No walks in my little forest preserve, no knitting. Only wanting to rest, I would just lie on the bed and think.

This past month I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting. I've come to the conclusion that I'm very, very worn down, physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I would say some it is long-term widowhood and solo parenting. I'm just bushed and tired of this life.

When I was at the photo shoot for Homecoming and in the middle of all the married couples and intact families last week, a part of me called out that I don't want this solo life any longer. Yet coming off my recent bout of illness, I truly lack the motivation or seem to have the energy to move toward a new tomorrow.

I obviously have to start making strides toward getting a new job and advancing my career options. I am not going to die with a defunct Master's Degree working as a crummy chain restaurant hostess. Lying in bed, I concluded that what is actually worse for my self-esteem is not that I'm not married, but that I am not working as a professional. That fact eats at me every day.

I took the Soaring Spirits sponsored survey on widowhood over the summer. I thought it was important for there to be a view from a longer-term widow, which is how I would describe myself 8 years out. One of the questions was something like, "What would you most like the public to know about widowhood?" I can't remember the choices except that mine was that widowhood is extremely difficult. It is not some romp through life. Eight years out having parented two sons going on 10 years, and I am truly wiped out. I've blogged about this before - the fatigue and exhaustion of widowhood. Because it is not only physical but also such a mental drain. Doing everything on one's own, always making the decisions, figuring out the problems, sleeping alone, trying to recover from being under the weather without someone soothing you with a cup of hot tea or warm bowl of soup. Getting it yourself just isn't the same kind of TLC.

My energy levels are just kaput, but I think that I need to start moving in the direction or creating a new life for myself, even if I'm only taking baby steps. I think I need to get back into the mental health field and am contemplating social work and in particular working in a hospital or nursing home setting. Yesterday, I forced myself to take a walk in my little hidden forest - 30 minutes. I'm focusing on eating healthy this month and not stressing out too much.

In summary and conclusion, long-term widowhood for me has been very draining. But then the reality of the matter is that even when you're so depleted and on the ground, you've got to muster up that strength and energy to pull yourself back up again. And I think that for some of us, that is the true nature of widowhood. Falling and always having to pick oneself back up. No wonder I am so drained and depleted. My battery seems to have really worn out.

The Need to Heal

I have been ill since my son's high school orientation night, when I could feel myself coming down with it. Symptoms: cough, sinus stuff, lost voice and blocked breathing passages. I'm not sure what you would call this - sinus infection, flu, cold? Not good symptoms to be experiencing with that extrtemely scary movie "Contagion" recently coming out.

Today, I feel the symptoms starting to lift but still feel weak and not myself. Yesterday I went to JC Penney with my son who asked me to go with him to pick out some clothes. With his work earnings he purchased a vest, shirt and dress slacks to wear for his Senior photo. He had researched clothing costs and sales online and deemed Penney's the place to shop. That in and of iitself makes me so proud but also almost wanting to weep (because of the necessity to count every penny...). Anyway, while at the store I couldn't stand but there weren't any chairs to sit down on. Nor might I add, any sales people around to answer questions or help...

Being down and out 12 days has put some perspective on things. I am more aware of the vulnerablilty connected to our health. And how it is more difficult to live on one's own. Being the sole adult in a household and sick is tough no doubt about it.

I spent some early nights in bed unable to sleep because of the congestion and coughing and just wishing I could sleep the next six months away. Being sick saps your physical and emotional strength. Then I'd feel guilty because I had no desire or ability to go to a couple job leads I'd heard about. My son asked me if I was going to apply. Given that I couldn't even talk, I didn't think it would make a good starting impression. Yet despite being legitimately down and out, I still found myself striving toward something not possible. Here of all times, I need to cut myself some slack and allow myself to be sick then heal.

Somehow over the years of hearing people tell me I can't give up and I have to remain strong and yes, accomplish the work of more that one on my own it has morphed into having unreasonable expectaitons for myself. Although, in my view, society holds unrealistic expectations for widows in general.

When we live with someone who is ill, we tell them to rest up, take it easy, take care. We pick up the slack and try to pamper with tea and tissues. I am just doing the dishes which I've left in the sink the past few days, not caring, not being able to stand up anyway.

I have come to believe through the years that all those platitudes that people say to bolster us up are full of air. The crap about being stronger because you've experienced hardship. Or that everyone can keep it up and keep on going. The crap about never ever giving up. Do you know what? I think people do peeter out. That sometimes we give up out of pure exhaustion and hopelessness. And what of it? Is it really so bad to hang it up and step out of the rat race of life for a moment. To take a break from the madness?

In widowhood, we're advised to pick ourselves back up and keep on trudging to make meaningful lives for ourselves. Of course, we need to do that. But I think at the same time, there are times when it is ok to step back and out; to retreat and instead of plodding forward tread instead of moving forward. Or maybe even take a step back. Why do we always have to be moving forward and improve? Getting sick I realize that there are life moments when it may be necessary to hunker down and just be. To maintain status quo may be a feat in itself.

The Comfort of Fall

This year I seem more attuned to the approaching Fall season. We have been so blessed the past few days with cooler, Fall-like weather. Here, there is just a hint of the changing season in the air. The tops of some trees are starting to turn. I'd have to say that this is the part of Fall I most love, before it gets full-blown in October. Once the leaves really turn, one heavy rain is all it takes for it to be over. Now I have the chance to really savor this wondrous season.

I love seeing all the advertising and signs in the stores welcoming this time of year. The food choices including apples. I've already tried the new caramel apple sundaes at both McDonald's and Wendy's. Small, simple pleasures to help take the edge away from the worry I feel every day over getting through the next year financially. Now that my son is in college, I have to add some college expenses to the budget and they have turned out higher than originally expected.

Over the years, I have come to realize that for me, one of the surefire ways to ease my anxiety and misery is through nature. A walk in the woods especially. My soul longs for a rural existence and it is where I am relocating when this year is completed for my son in high school.

Each season brings its own comforts, but as the Starbuck's ad relates, Fall is perhaps most special. "Indulge in the comforts of Fall," the ad directs. Makes sense to me. Bring on that pumpkin latte. I am drinking spiced apple tea in the mornings and baked a batch of my Awesome Apple Bread. I gave a loaf to my girlfriend along with a cute apple potholder I knit. My friend liked the potholder so much, she told me she is going to frame it!

The summer was so hot I only went walking in my little hidden forest a few times. Now I can start walking every day again. That will give me great pleasure. I saw my first Halloween outdoor decorations today. A flock of witches in a circle in a yard. This year I will try and focus on these displays with lightness and laughter. Anything to help me stay sane and grounded as we move through this year. I feel on my last legs emotionally and financially. I asked for more hours at work and will have to go out looking for another job next week. Illinois has the highest unemployment rate in the country along with the highest gas prices (Chicago area). Yet my apartment rent just went up $100.00!

The comforts of Fall. More than ever I will use the beauty and hope nature inspires to give me courage and strength. It is free (except for the pumpkin lattes) and abundant. I'm not sure I can say that over the next month I'll be happy (too much stress and strain for that). But I can try and be cheerful despite the hardships. And by making a concerted effort to focus on nature, maybe I can be distracted and propelled on to the beauty of the holiday season.

Getting though one day at a time, one month at a time, one season at a time.