Wisdom From the Arch

I fell in love with St. Louis. It is a clean, pretty city, very easy to travel in. After living in the Chicago area all my life, the traffic there was nothing! Lots of pretty plants, flowers and parks. I felt safe.

While visiting the Arch, we spent some time in the gift store looking at the books. I was captivated by the large number of diary accounts from women who'd gone West. Part of me knows I'd have made a lousy pioneer. Think about how rustic life was back then. I can't get through a day without showering. Back then they only washed up once a week if that. And how would I live without some makeup? Good thing I'm living now though of course modern life brings on a different set of difficulties.

I love the whole symbolism of the Arch. That it is a tribute to those who went Westward despite the dangers and passed through St. Louis as the gateway to a new life. The shape of the Arch is derived from the bridge that was built over the river because St. Louis was missing out on much needed trade to Chicago because they were cut off from trade routes. The designer of the bridge had never built one before and used arches in the construction. Even today, bridges follow his structural design.

Even way back then, men and women advertised for mates in the personals. But I saw that most advertising were widows, usually with a child or two. They were willing to travel Westward for another chance at marriage. This just confirms my belief that there is something inside us that seeks companionship on an imtimate level.

One of the diary accounts I was leafing through ended with this: the authour was at the end of her life somewhere on the West coast. She had lived as a rancher admitting that her life at times had been very hard. But she added, a life without challenges didn't seem to her to be as full when compared to an easier life when everything always went well.

Grief vs. Restructuring

This may be the most important post I ever write on this blog. I'm reading the new grief book that has been in the news, Ruth Davis Konigsberg's, "The Truth About Grief." Basically, the author asserts that new research, of which there is not a whole lot, points to the fact that "most" people suffering a loss can "get through it" in the course of six months to a year without extensive therapy, endless blogging or "walking into the pain." I won't dispute this assertion. In my case, the day my husband died I knew he was gone. I did mourn for him but never longed for him after his death because I knew he was gone. So why have I resorted to blogging and detailing my life as a widow?

This book in one small paragraph mentions the "restructuring" that widows and widowers have to go through after the death of their spouse. This involves creating new lives as singles, only parenting if there are kids, creating new identities, having to learn new skills, handling new tasks, dating again and so on. This is all referred to as restructuring. I have called it secondary grief losses in previous posts but I think restructuring is a far more descriptive term.

I think what happens is that most people do probably get through the grieving portion of a loss but then get tripped up on the restructuring part. At least that is how I'd describe it in my life. I really have had a challenging time in picking up the pieces and going forward. My restructuring skills haven't been that strong and dealing with financial issues stemming from a recession and more loss from failed relationships hasn't helped.

So some people may see my struggling as grief but I do believe that has long passed and what is really at issue is the fact that I've just had a tough time living and raising my sons on my own. Just one small paragraph is a book. Funny, when I first went to therapy it had nothing to do with grieving for my husband but figuring out what I was going to do with my job - whether to quit because the hours were unsuitable for my life as an only parent.

Anyway, that is my take on it. And I guess holding this perspective I'd hope that there may be more emphasis on how to help people like me better handle the restructuring aspect of widowhood because so many years later I'm still in the thick of it with not a whole lot of light at the end of the tunnel. I keep looking for that light though...

Happy 4th of July!

This photo was taken on one of my antiquing trips out into the countryside. I stop and take photos of anything that catches my eye. What a cool sculpture!

My boys are in Lake Geneva, which is a lovely resort town on the Illinois/Wisconsin line with their older brother and his wife, whose family has a lakehouse there. Lucky them! They went tubing this a.m. and will be boating. I will soon go out to my girlfriend's annual July 4th BBQ. She has had it for years and I am fortunate to have a place to relax, eat tasty food and celebrate.

There will be grilled chicken, burgers, hot dogs, brats, various chips and fruit salad. I am contributing potato salad, baked beans, coleslaw, cheery and blueberry cobblers with ice cream. AND there will be enough leftovers for when the boys get home!

I hope everyone reading has good food to eat and a chance to put your feet up and relax. Hopefully, you'll spend some time with friends and/or family. Really, in the end, this is what truly matters - food. family/friends, and the opportunity to enjoy some downtime after putting in a rewarding week of work be it at home or after punching a time clock. Fancy things come way down on the list.

St. Louis Road Trip

The boys and I took a short road trip to St. Louis this past weekend, culminating with a tryout for American Idol on Tuesday for my oldest. I have just gotten to the point where I feel like going and doing things for the pure heck of it. No, my son didn't make it on to the finals but we weren't anticipating he would. We did it for the adventure, the experience and in hopes of him conncenting with people in the industry - not to mention, it gave us an excuse to finally go on a much-needed vacation, as it has been eight years for us without one.

My son was complimented whenever he sang, even by the Idol judges. He organized nightly sing-a-alongs at our hotel where the kids competing sang for the guests during Happy Hour. He also helped set-up the group to sing in the line while waiting to go in for the auditions - that was at 5 a.m., making it onto the local news and being taped by the Idol crew. I received some compliments by fellow moms about my two boys - how nice, well-mannered, handsome, friendly, good kids they are.

In just two days we went to the Arch, the zoo and a baseball game. Alot seen and done. It just was the tip of the iceberg for me. Now I realize that we need to make time in the future for these get-aways, even if they are local.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained," was the phrase that kept repeating in my mind during this trip. How many people can say they've been to an American Idol audition? I should add, that it is nothing like what ends up being seen on t.v. - all very staged and set up but still a neat experience. None of the 45 kids staying in our hotel made it forward, and I'd have to say most were extrodinary singers. I told my son that the majority of kids there were ones with good voices singing cover songs. But my son is composing instrumental and vocal pieces and has enough material to get a CD out right now. Every opportunity is another step along the way.

I even met a nice mom from Texas and she and I hung out together. That was unexpected but nice. I hope we can stay in touch. We've already received an offer from her to visit.

So all in all a great experience but tiring. At the Arch I started to cry seeing all the families together and remembering how much my late husband enjoyed traveling. He would have loved to have been on that trip with us. I realized that since we've never been on a vacation before that this reaction has been slow in coming - almost eight years after his death. So I think that sometimes it can take us longer to pass through all the avenues of loss because we've managed to bypass that exit. And then we do drive down that avenue and even the passage of time provides no buffer.

My husband and I did so much traveling and whenever I got back I'd be so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to stetch my wings and viewpoint. Staying in our little neck of the woods the past years has resulted in my being somewhat stagnant. Meeting new people and seeing new places and things is a way to grow and expand ourselves. I can see how I've hidden away in this very insulating community out of fear and sadness. Even with my boys being older it was hard for me to take responsibility on my own for this short trip and get us all packed, and out, etc. It might be easier to stay put and live with the status quo but I can't do that anymore. And I'm glad my son is of the same nature, fighting back nerves and dealing with disappointment to take a chance and audition for Idol.

Lost Minds and Cookbooks

You know it is bad PMS when you go ahead and order the XL frozen hot chocolate. $4.00 well spent.

Had a bad week. Was getting worried since I felt so down and out, not to mention fatigued/drained. What was getting me the most down was even just the thought of doing all the household chores - laundry, cleaning, cooking. shopping, taking the garbage/recycling out. Didn't have it in me to do any of this stuff - virtually no energy. Also, feel some testiness which means general annoyance at stupid people, e.g. semitruck drivers who don't wait in line like the rest of us for 15 minutes in construction zones and just cut in.

I do get depressed at having to do everything on my own and living alone. It seems so endless and I'm so tired from the previous years of doing everything. It is a big fat myth that adversity makes one stronger. In my opinion, it just makes you more depleted with less hope and energy. The exact opposite of what people always perkily quip.

Tonight I was ready to make two dinners with sale ingredients from the store, but then I couldn't find the cookbook I needed to use. I was so dispirited after this. Not being able to find things is pretty much a daily occurrence in my home. I would say that it stems from a combination of not enough time to stay on top of clutter as an only parent always running around after teen boys and trying to maintain a household without another parental unit for support or teamwork.

So I decided to stop fretting about the cookbook - I mean where can a cookbook go if it is not on the bookshelf, or floor (looked under all furniture and the bed) and in the kitchen and even went out to the cars, but how or why it would have ended up there didn't seem likely. I decided to whip up a huge batch of French Toast to use up some eggs. But then I couldn't find the vanilla extract when I'm sure there was a full bottle around just the other day. Where would a bottle of vanilla go if it isn't in the cabinets or with the spices? Maybe I am really out of it and just don't remeber using it all? That's another side effect of always having to stay on top of life by your lonesome - sometimes you do lose it, you just can't help it, the cards come tumbling down.

I try to keep the stress of my life as a long-term only parent out of the equation of my moods but find that sometimes I can't. Why should I put on my happy face all the time? "It is what it is," everyone always says. Combine life with PMS and it can feel pretty insurmountable.

Security

I was at Barnes and Noble last week for a browse (can't buy anything there when there is a half-price book store down the street) and flipped through "Throw Out Fifty Things: Clear the Clutter, Find Your Life" by Gail Blanke. There was a chapter that caught my attention titled "Letting Go of Needing to Feel Secure." Really, I mused. What's so wrong with wanting to feel secure? Isn't it an almost instinctive quality within us?

Think about how some have been told to marry for security over love. Or even my parents urging me to change my college major from Music Therapy to basically anything else because they didn't think I'd find a job. Or if I did, it wouldn't pay the rent.

After losing my home, which provied me a tremenous amount of security and a sense of identity along with two husbands (ditto the security and identity) I think it would be questionable if I just threw up my hands and said, "Let life take me where it will. I'm ready for the ride!"

Somehow these losses have made me less open to the randomness of the future. I want to feel some level of security within my life be it a strong, loving relationship. solid home around me or decent job in which I feel valued and productive. I think when these things are lacking it is very difficult to feel content and "happy" in one's life. I guess I believe that there has to be a certain level of stability surrounding someone or all bets are off for personal happiness.

Maybe it is easier for people who have a decent level of structure and security already existing as a foundation to throw more caution to the wind. But I believe when your foundation has been shaken and you have lost what has been of value to you, that there is no harm in seeking what makes you feel secure. I am finding that as I continue this widowhood path, the more I seem to disagree with all the advice, like this, out there. I'm finding it all doesn't pass muster with what I have felt and experienced. As for this advice, no way am I going to give up on my search for attaining more security in my life.

Father's Day

I never had any observations for my late husband after the funeral and memorial service. The immediate years following his death resulted in my caring for my youngest who'd been diagnosed with a heart condition and then my parents. There wasn't much time or energy to think, reflect or honor our past. We were all just so tied in with the current chaos.

Now that has all ebbed and so today there was some time for reflection while we were at our baseball game - the boys play in a summer league with the same team they've been on since their dad died. I will admit that there was a small pang seeing all the kids with their fathers and to be sitting on the bleachers without a hubby by my side. After the game, the boys and I went to Red Lobster for that 4-course $15.00 meal special. A splurge I know, but I felt like going out and wanted to experience the special before it ended.

I asked my sons how they felt today, what it is like to be a fatherless kid on Father's Day on the way to the restaurant. At one point, I mentioned how I have always hated hearing that pat phrase that kids are so resilient. What does that really mean anyway? I find it interesting that those who relate that statement to me are people who haven't experienced a major loss in their lives. I have come to believe that if they had, they wouldn't be spitting out this phrase to me. Because it means nothing. It doesn't take away the fact that my kids grew up without a father for most of their lives (he was sick for three years before his death).

Losing a father is a major loss and it should be respectfully acknowledged as such, not brushed away by the belief that kids will survive and go on. Yes, they will but their childhoods do influence their futures. Instead of being told that kids are resilient I would have rather heard some statement validating our reality - something along the lines of: "Your kids suffered a tough blow and it is too bad." Don't try to gloss over their situation and make it better by spewing out these statments we have come to believe as being true without having the personal experience to verify them as such.

My youngest son replied, "People are so naive. They have no idea." It got to the point that when people would say things to me like, "There are lots of widows out there funcitioning just fine" and so on, that I would hotly reply, "Oh, really? How many widows my age do you personally know?" Then when they would admit "None" I would just look at them - enough said.