Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Where is the Forest?

Having trouble seeing the forest through the trees right now. Didn't mean to worry anyone. Thank you for all of your kind and caring concern.

I'm just really, really tired - emotionally exhausted and drained. Like everything from the past years has all caught up with me. It is hard to explain. People don't seem to understand and I don't want to post negativity. Really, I've reached the point where I want to put a lot of my past behind and focus on the future.

But times are a bit rough right now. Trying to stay on the path and plug on through. In actuality, only have about a month and a half until relocating/moving.

I'll try to convey what is inside me - maybe others have been there. I think some of it has to do with long-term widowhood. The nitty-gritty of having to always face the little normal aspects of life alone. And then having to face the more turbulent aspects of life also alone.

Worrying about tax filings, paying the rent, keeping the cars running and maintained, washing the laundry, signing field trip permission forms, cooking, cleaning, managing the other bills including college fees...

The other night my youngest woke me up for comfort after a nightmare. Then my oldest frequently calls me from college for advice or support. I'm happy to be there for my boys but at the same time there is a part of me that longs for a supportive adult to comfort me after one of my frequent nightmares.

My youngest is facing shoulder surgery and a part of me kind of crumbled with this development. Dealing with insurance, physical therapy, doctor referrals, etc. on my own, yet again. I worry about making a wrong decision and not having someone to consult with on a personal level. That is what I mean about the emotional tiredness.

Since being widowed the merry-go-round has just never ceased. And for whatever reason I've reached a point where the endless spinning around has made me dizzier than usual.

In terms of posting about all this I've figured what is the point? It is what it is. Right now I'm just a bit low and drained and hopefully life will swing up again and I'll feel more alive.

There is also a part of me that feels horrible about my being so emotionally drained - and I suppose tired of the 10 or so years I've been only parenting. I think about the Octo Mom with 14 little ones and here I'm having trouble or complaining?

But again it is what it is. I'm feeling what I feel and dealing with life as I'm experiencing it. For a long time I thought that the worst part of widowhood was going to all those school events on my lonesome. I want to change that now to the worst part being handling EVERYTHING on one's own for year after long year. For me personally, I do better as a team player and don't enjoy all this solo flying.

So now all of the bad stuff is out and hopefully life will become more stable with a clearer picture of the forest and the trees.


  1. I'm glad you shared, even though you don't feel on top of ANYTHING right now. Although I'm no help with the nitty gritty of your life, I'm rooting for you. In a month and a half you will begin entering a 'new normal' and can kiss some of this good bye. Between relocating to more pleasant surroundings and being an empty nester you may feel lighter. But know that we're in there with you now, when hugs are needed most!

  2. So sorry, its awful to feel so low...If felt that way for about two years after my husband died and I was left with two teenagers and 1 pre-teen. Then, I began feeling a little sronger - and even proud - that I could handle things on my own. It took me five years to feel like a confident person again. I have a sister who is an amazing support, but she is out of town - other than that, I have friends. (My parents died within a few years of my husband.) Do you reach out to anyone? Its hard...its really hard admitting you need support, and most of the time, its emotional support. Not everyone can give it, either. Some people are born with the 'compassion' gene - others are not and they can't help it! Its hurtful, I know, but we learn to deal with it...

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to lecture, I just thought I'd give you a little advice that helped me...Good luck:):)

  3. ...and the one person we want to discuss all this with is not here! I am having hip surgery in a couple of weeks and I don't know I am going to get through it without Fred. I guess I just have to ride the wave and see where it drops me? I do not like being alone and no one around here understands. Oh well--what choice do we have? Onward--ever onward.

  4. Hiya. I think you're fantastic. I came across your blog in my desperate efforts to see if anyone was experiencing anything similar to me. your blog is the only one I've found that I can relate to, not just life circumstances, but the way you write and express yourself... you're simply wonderful. Deb

  5. Thank you for sharing...widohood is a lonely and tough voyage.
    With my best wishes

  6. Stumbled across your blog when I was having one of those "poor widow me" moments. It's been 12 years, and I too was 45 when my husband died of colon cancer. The worst part, STILL, is the doing everything on your own. It is hard work, and it seems so unfair. I know. Hang in there, though. I have found, that through it all, the heartbreak, the isolation, the grief, the just plain worn it... my LIFE has gotten better.... more meaningful and precious. I don't know you, but I am sending some great energy your way.

  7. Thanks all for sharing your experiences and conveying support! You all deserve the best!

  8. It is refreshing to read someone who is willing to be honest about the fact that their life is not all "hats and horns," as my friend Kate would say. I'm tired of reading blogs with perfectly decorated houses, cute little kids, women who have husbands who support them while they are artists/weavers/potters/whatever...

    My heart goes out to you. My dad died 24 years ago at age 50, and my mom went through a LOT of readjustment. She also was only 50, with three children. She had to learn to do taxes on her own, like you, drive herself places alone (she could drive but preferred not to), make a new life for herself, take care of her home, and the list goes on. One thing that helped her was going to a "retreat" for widowed, divorced and separated people. She also joined a couple of "social clubs" to make new friends.

    As for me, I am married, but we are both out of work and have been for some time. I've been wondering "why me? why us?" but as you said, "If not me, who else?" It's hard to keep going, but I keep trying. If it were not for the kindness of friends, and some strangers, perhaps I would not be able to persist.

    I wish you peace. Hang in there...

  9. Sandra - I really appreciate your comments. I've taken criticism in the past for being too honest, but I'm conveying what is and hope that by doing so, I can reach others out there struggling with various issues. Peace back to you as well and to everyone else out there!

  10. I feel so alone since my husband passed away five years ago. I never appreciated all he did around here. Having to take care of a house, pool, car, and finances is exhausting. I have managed these things rather well, but, the emptiness is awful. I need my best friend to comfort me, make me laugh, plan with, and he is not here. I hate being alone.