I'm just really, really tired - emotionally exhausted and drained. Like everything from the past years has all caught up with me. It is hard to explain. People don't seem to understand and I don't want to post negativity. Really, I've reached the point where I want to put a lot of my past behind and focus on the future.
But times are a bit rough right now. Trying to stay on the path and plug on through. In actuality, only have about a month and a half until relocating/moving.
I'll try to convey what is inside me - maybe others have been there. I think some of it has to do with long-term widowhood. The nitty-gritty of having to always face the little normal aspects of life alone. And then having to face the more turbulent aspects of life also alone.
Worrying about tax filings, paying the rent, keeping the cars running and maintained, washing the laundry, signing field trip permission forms, cooking, cleaning, managing the other bills including college fees...
The other night my youngest woke me up for comfort after a nightmare. Then my oldest frequently calls me from college for advice or support. I'm happy to be there for my boys but at the same time there is a part of me that longs for a supportive adult to comfort me after one of my frequent nightmares.
My youngest is facing shoulder surgery and a part of me kind of crumbled with this development. Dealing with insurance, physical therapy, doctor referrals, etc. on my own, yet again. I worry about making a wrong decision and not having someone to consult with on a personal level. That is what I mean about the emotional tiredness.
Since being widowed the merry-go-round has just never ceased. And for whatever reason I've reached a point where the endless spinning around has made me dizzier than usual.
In terms of posting about all this I've figured what is the point? It is what it is. Right now I'm just a bit low and drained and hopefully life will swing up again and I'll feel more alive.
There is also a part of me that feels horrible about my being so emotionally drained - and I suppose tired of the 10 or so years I've been only parenting. I think about the Octo Mom with 14 little ones and here I'm having trouble or complaining?
But again it is what it is. I'm feeling what I feel and dealing with life as I'm experiencing it. For a long time I thought that the worst part of widowhood was going to all those school events on my lonesome. I want to change that now to the worst part being handling EVERYTHING on one's own for year after long year. For me personally, I do better as a team player and don't enjoy all this solo flying.
So now all of the bad stuff is out and hopefully life will become more stable with a clearer picture of the forest and the trees.