Sunday, April 29, 2012

Spring Update

So here is an update on the past few weeks. Speaking of updates, I notice that since I've been gone, there have been some to Blogger. Change is hard for me, especially computer-related ones. So I'm a bit down about losing what has been familiar to me for a number of years. But I do get that change is good and out with the old, in with the new and all that too. But anyway...:

Survived taxes. Have never completed a return on my own EVER! But due to lack of funds to pay H&R Block this year had to buckle down and complete six! Three Federal (the boys and I) and three State. It was a scary and tough ordeal. On Friday the 13th, received tax info. in the mail that required me to basically redo the returns. And end up paying taxes along with the boys. Unexpected and nerve racking. All in all it took me about a week and eight trips to two libraries for forms. My youngest did make a point of telling me that he was impressed with my ability to face the job. And in the end, I have to say that I learned a lot. But I will gladly hand back the job to H&R Block next year. I can see why they are in business. Doing the taxes on your own can be confusing and I'm worried of errors.

Survived Prom with my youngest. Survived my oldest needing money to pay off some of his college balance so he could register for next year's classes. Survived a lot of medical visits and consultations, physical therapy and MRI with my youngest concerning an internal left shoulder tear. Surgery has now been recommended.

My youngest has only a few weeks left of school before graduation. He has basically checked out of high school and can't wait for college to begin. But we still have to work out the surgery...

Sitting in the physical therapist's waiting room I overhear the secretary make reminder appointment calls. I get a pang hearing that most of the calls involve someone on the other end taking a message and assisting the patient. Most of the people coming into the office are with someone to assist them as well. Especially the older people. I miss not having someone to lean on and am just very, very tired. I think it is a reflection of where I am in this journey. Getting the younger son out of high school and off to college. It has been a long road. It has been more difficult than easy. It has been lonely and challenging.

I want to whoop it up and celebrate. But I still am facing moving and finding a new place to live. Also, need to seek employment once I'm settled. And try to make a new life for myself with both boys away at college. It is a period of adjustment and change. As if there hasn't been enough of that already over the past years!

I'm trying to listen to my inner soul and being. What it is telling me now is to take a big long rest and vacation as soon as I have the means to do so. And to laugh and smile more while worrying and frowning less. Not there yet.

Having reached this point of my journey I have a new respect for myself. I kind of don't care what anyone thinks about me or my flaws or decisions I've made over the past years. Raising two young boys to adulthood along with all the other challenges that have presented themselves over the years on my own is an accomplishment and I should be holding my head up high. There is no one waiting for me at home when I return from the doctor's office - or to take a message to remind me of an appointment. I don't totally buy into the belief that doing things on one's own leads to strength and power. Yes, of course, some. But on the other hand, it also leads to exhaustion and severe stress. Let's not forget that.

At the post prom party old photos of all the Seniors were up on the walls including Kindergarten and 5th grade photos. Seeing my son's 5th grade photo, I was struck by the realization that when that photo had been taken, his dad had been deceased almost a year. That hit a nerve with me. That he was nine when his dad died and will turn 18 in a few weeks. Nine years that I've been sole nurturer, parent, care taker, bread winner, role model, disciplinarian. No wonder I need that vacation STAT!!! And I'm not afraid to admit that either!


  1. Give yourself a big hug and say WooHoo to all of the things you accomplished last week! Wow! I feel the same way you do often about "doing it on my own", but try to look at this way, (and it's helped me a lot..... )You could be doing it on your own, inside of a marriage or relationship. I have a lot of friends who have living husbands who aren't helpful, supportive or the other half to make a whole. From one widow whose been doing it alone for 12 years now, I say WooHoo to us.... you deserve that vacation!

  2. Thanks Rebecca for your WooHoo! It is so nice to have contact with a widow who has been out there a longer period of time. I totally see what you are saying about being in an unequal marriage or relationship. But my feelings and perceptions are based on what I've experienced. And personally, I don't have any friends or know of anyone who hasn't had a decent marriage. And the women I know who are divorced have very involved ex-husbands. But so be that. Whatever our experiences, if we have been successful at getting through life despite the hurdles, that is cause for great respect and celebration!