Monday, May 31, 2010

It's All A Crap Shoot

This weekend at the nursing home, a lot of wives were in visiting with their husbands. For the first time, I felt some anger and resentment simmering underneath my kind and composed exterior. I was reminded of the role I played as loving/devoted wife caring for my sick husband the years he was hospitalized and in rehab. These are older couples - one of the men is 93. My poor husband died at age 54 and I was 44. I definitely felt some unfairness with the fact that these couples ended up having more time together than my husband and I had. Their children are grown, there are grandchildren, the mortgage has been paid off. They were fortunate to have traveled and played golf together in retirement. It astounds me when I think about my husband maybe having lived to age 93 - how short his life really ended up being.

In the natural order of things, my husband and I should have had that regular and predictable life these couples were fortunate enough to have had. But we didn't and I know there are other younger couples out there dealing with sick spouses and young kids too. It's all a crap shoot in the end. Bitching out about the unfairness playing out in front of my eyes doesn't get me anywhere.

I saw myself in these wives and I put aside my anger for the extra time they've had and brought out the compassion because I know what lies ahead for them.


  1. Good take on this. I'm going to try to remember this, so that I can reframe when I am feeling this type of bitterness, or resentment.

  2. Thanks Dan, I just read your post about the comments you got from your son and dad and had the same reaction from your words! They helped me reframe my situation as well. Nice that both of us got something beneficial from each other tonight!

  3. I often think about "what could have been." I have a little bit of a different situation where my husband was an alcoholic who died of staph infection (because he was an alcoholic who didn't take care of himself). I always wonder what our lives would be like if he hadn't picked up the bottle again. I have read many of your posts and can relate to almost every one of them. Thank you for being so open and honest in your feelings. It has helped me tremendously deal with my resentment (reading this and doing my own blogging too.)

  4. TNT - I just read your recent post about the trip you and your daughter took and found myself identifying very much with you. I felt so happy that you were able to have some nice time away. You've inspired me to ask my girlfriend who goes to a cottage in Michigan if I might be able to tag along this summer - why not?

    Thanks for reading and commenting!

  5. Please do it! It is so worth getting away, even for a night or two. Best of luck!